In A Moment
by Miss Peg
Summary: A month after Jack leaves, Maura gets some news that will change her life forever. Whilst Jane supports her, their relationship will come under strain that might tear them apart. (Don't expect a story full of Rizzles, or you will be disappointed.)
1. Chapter 1: Maura

**Author Note: This story is set after the season five finale. So everything that has happened up until that point has happened, a few weeks later, my story begins. This story will have a number of chapters, at the moment I predict sixteen, but that's more than likely to change. I hope you will read and enjoy.**

_**Please note, you might want to wait until you're **not** eating to read this chapter.**_

**Disclaimer: I've been playing in somebody else's sandbox, just for fun.**

* * *

In her office, Maura hunched over her desk hurriedly scribbling down notes from the latest case. Her stomach groaned despite it being only ten in the morning. She flipped back through the file, pausing momentarily on the crime scene photographs, regretting it when her stomach flipped. She dropped the pages and lifted the back of her hand to her mouth.

"You not finished with your paperwork yet?" Jane asked, without knocking on the door.

The tingling in her mouth continued. Maura held a hand out towards the chair opposite and placed the file under her notes.

"Not everyone writes illegibly and with acronyms nobody but you understands." Maura's heart thrummed inside her chest. She could feel her stomach contracting.

"If everyone used my acronyms then maybe they'd finish their paperwork sooner and nobody would get confused," said Jane, sitting down.

"One moment," said Maura, rushing out of the room.

She barely made it into the bathroom when her throat contracted. Maura opened her mouth and sent the contents of her stomach hurling towards the toilet bowl. She pushed the edge of her dress up and knelt on the cold, tiled floor. Her hands clutching the edges of the toilet seat. She gagged a couple of times, her throat ached from the pressure, then she vomited again.

The soap in the bathroom didn't take away the feel of uncleanliness from her fingers. The relief of her empty stomach battled against her desire to fill it again. She slipped back into her seat behind her desk and refocused her attention on the paperwork.

"I thought we could get some lunch," said Jane, making Maura jump.

"You're still here?"

"I didn't really get to the point," said Jane, her brow furrowing.

"I don't have time for lunch."

"It's not for another couple of hours."

Despite Maura's desire to eat, she didn't think she'd be able to cope with anything passing her lips beyond water. The question was how she could persuade Jane without admitting her ailment.

"Not today," Maura said. She scanned her notes. "Do you remember how old Billy was?"

Jane's eyebrows lifted. "You're asking me? You did the autopsy."

"Right." Maura stood up and took a couple of steps towards her filing cabinet. She paused, reaching a hand out to the wall to steady herself.

"Maura?" A hand clutched her upper arm. Maura turned around and pushed Jane's fingers away.

"I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. You look clammy."

She took one step at a time back towards her desk, finding the comfort of her desk chair a welcomed relief. Her head span and her heart raced inside her chest. She picked up her coffee cup and sipped it, before spitting it back into the cup.

"Maybe the sweat lodge didn't work," Jane said, perching on the corner of Maura's desk. She pushed her hand against Maura's forehead and narrowed her eyes.

Maura batted her hand away and focused on her breathing. "It worked just fine."

"Then what's wrong with you?"

"I'm pregnant."

She gave her revelation a moment to sink in. Aside from whispering it to herself that morning, it was the first time she'd said it aloud. Practicing the word on her lips was the only way she knew to process it.

"You're," Jane said, her mouth agape. She stood up beside Maura. "What?"

"Pregnant, Jane." Maura wiped her lips. She could feel the tingling in her mouth return, the mouthful of coffee no matter how brief played havoc with her usual routine. "I'm expecting a child."

"Since when?"

"Since between four and six weeks ago, probably." The very idea of getting pregnant had not even crossed Maura's mind. Her life was too varied and she was too unattached to consider it. "I have to wait for an appointment with an obstetrician to know for certain."

"I meant how long have you known?" Jane asked, never taking her eyes off Maura.

"I suspected for a few days. I took the test last night."

Jane tilted her head to the side, sending her curls down one shoulder. "You didn't have to do it alone."

"Why wouldn't I?" Maura hated the sympathetic tone of Jane's voice. She was pregnant, she was not ill. She might be alone but that wasn't exactly something that required sympathy. She'd made her bed and she was perfectly content lying in it. "Only I can do the test."

"For support, Maura."

Maura let out an involuntary chuckle. "You didn't seek out support when you fell pregnant."

"No, but I'm me. You're, you."

Her brow furrowed. Her unsettled stomach was fighting against her and it took more energy than Maura wished to sit there having a conversation.

"And being ourselves makes what difference, exactly?" she asked, placing her hand over her mouth.

"You loved Jack," said Jane. "If he didn't move to New Mexico the two of you might have made it. You don't find that every day."

A wave of sickness overcame Maura. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on her breathing, until the moment passed. She lowered her hand. "As I said earlier, the sweat lodge worked just fine. I'm not depressed over losing Jack. I'm just pregnant."

"With his child." Jane's eyes narrowed, Maura was the sole object of her attention. "It is his baby, right?"

Maura rolled her eyes and wiped at her lips. Despite the wave of sickness dissipating, saliva built up and she could feel her body fighting against her. "Who else's baby would it be?"

"I don't know. You don't tell me every person you sleep with." Maura nodded. "You do?"

"Of course I do," she said. "You're my best friend."

A smirk crept onto Jane's lips. "I guess I should tell you I slept with Joe from the fire department down the street, then."

Maura sat up straight. "When?"

"Few weeks ago," Jane said, with a small shrug. "After we worked on a case together."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Her shoulders sunk in partnership with her eyebrows. Maura's lips curved downwards.

"I didn't think it was an expectation of our friendship that we share every one night stand," said Jane, her smirk not quite faltering.

"Isn't that what friendship is?"

"Nah," said Jane with a shake of the head. "I don't think it is."

"That could explain the problem I had with my college room mate in freshman year. She said I was too overbearing."

"Probably," Jane said, without knowing the full story.

Silence followed. Maura's energy level dropped as the moisture in her mouth grew exponentially. Her stomach contracted. She stood up, taking a couple of slow steps towards the door, before she sped off towards the bathroom again.

She hunched over the toilet bowl, dry heaving, as her body's attempt to rid itself of whatever toxin the baby didn't like failed over and over again.

"You're okay," said Jane, stepping up beside her and sliding her hair back from her face. She used her other hand to run her hand in circles across her back.

Maura attempted to smile but her body lurched again, finally finding a small amount of relief. Her eyes filled with tears, her mouth wet with saliva and whatever else lingered on her skin. She sat back on her heels. Her heart rate had slowed but she felt like she'd just run a marathon.

"This is normal, right?" Jane asked. Maura nodded. "I must have got lucky."

She welcomed the feel of Jane's fingers on her cheek. She was too tired to care about the lack of dignity in having her friend wipe her face down with damp paper towels in a public restroom.

The couch in her office had always been a little uncomfortable to sit on, until Maura's energy level had dropped so low that it felt like the most comfortable place on Earth. She curled up at one end, a cream throw wrapped around her shoulders.

"Drink this," said Jane, handing her a mug of steaming liquid.

"Coffee?" Maura could feel her stomach groan at the very thought.

"Tea. Ginger and honey. Ma says ginger settles the stomach."

"She's right," said Maura, sipping the tea.

Jane slid her hand across Maura's knee. "How you feeling?"

"Better, thanks," she said, placing her tea cup on the table and leaning back against the couch.

"I meant about the pregnancy, but that too."

"I feel…I don't know."

In the chaos of the last twelve hours, Maura hadn't taken any time out to consider the implications of her current predicament. Whilst she always dreamt of being a mother, she also dreamt of being married first. She wanted to bring a child into a family unit, like the one she'd grown up. Being a single mother was not in that plan, it never had been. Then there was her age to consider. She wasn't getting any younger and her opportunities at having a family were severely dwindling.

"Whatever you decide," said Jane, rubbing Maura's upper arm. "I'll be here with you."

Tears pricked at the corners of Maura's eyes. She tried to smile but her lips barely moved, instead her chin juddered. She nodded her head and reached out for Jane's hand, clutching it in her own as she tried to find comfort in Jane's words.

* * *

**Author Note: Thank you for reading. I appreciate anything you want to give me - smiles, comments, favourites, follows, all of the above. I especially like comments, but no pressure.**


	2. Chapter 2: Jane

**Author Note: Thank you to everyone for following, favouriting and leaving a comment. As always, I appreciate you all so much. I think it's a little slow starting but I hope it'll get more exciting soon.**

* * *

It was the kind of day that reminded Jane of her childhood. She sat in the waiting room at the OB/GYN's office with Maura, her head disappearing into the clouds of doctor's appointments and trips to the hospital. That same scent of cleanliness lingered in the air. A small boy crawled around on the floor with a toy train he'd picked up from the children's corner. It was a lot smaller than the one they had at her paediatrician's office and the children's waiting room at the hospital.

"Did I ever tell you about the time I broke my leg whilst at the hospital?" she asked, filling the silence of the near-empty room. Maura shook her head. "I was there getting the cast off my arm which I broke playing flag football."

"Isn't that supposed to be a no-contact sport?"

"Tell that to eight year old me." Maura smiled. "I sneaked a can of cola out of the fridge at home and drank the whole lot on an empty stomach. When we got to the waiting area Ma had to fill in some paperwork. I decided to climb onto the back of the couch and jump off, only I was a little heavier than the couch could handle and it flipped up. I ended up on the floor with my leg in the air screaming blue murder."

Maura's smile faded. "Never give small children cola, check."

"That's all you have to say?"

"I'm sorry, Jane," said Maura, forging a smile. "I'm a little nervous, I'm using cognitive specific imagery to counteract it."

"And that is?"

"Visualisation of the event. Works better with sport or during interviews. I figure if I visualise a positive appointment then maybe that is what I will get."

Jane shrugged. "It's your first appointment, it's just routine."

She'd put off her own appointment for a few weeks after she discovered she was pregnant. Truth was, whether it was routine or not, Jane was petrified. The idea of going into a room where someone would tell her what she could and couldn't do for nine months made her so uncomfortable that she avoided it at all costs. Not that she was going to tell Maura that.

"I know," said Maura, folding her arms in her lap. "There's just so much to remember, a lot of tests and checks. What if I forget to ask the questions I have? What if there's not enough time? What if I'm too old to be a mother?"

Jane turned in her seat and rubbed Maura's shoulder. The last few days they'd been so busy that Jane hadn't had time to check in. They hadn't discussed how Maura felt about it and no amount of guesswork was going to help. Jane agreed to go to the doctor's appointment to support Maura, and that was exactly what she wanted to do.

"Is this how it's going to be?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"What do you mean?"

"Am I going to spend the next eight months with the most neurotic woman in Boston?"

"I'm not neurotic," Maura said, staring at the wall opposite. "I'm thorough."

"Neurotic," Jane whispered. Her voice trailing off as the doctor's door opened and she called Maura's name.

They went through the usual procedure; Maura's health and family health history, taking bloods, blood pressure, height and weight. Jane sat beside Maura and waited, listening for any information she could gather to help ease the pressure. After the pelvic exam, the doctor rolled up the ultrasound machine.

"Let's see what we can find," she said, pushing Maura's shirt up and squirting gel on her abdomen.

Maura reached out her hand and grabbed for Jane's nearest one. She cupped both hands around Maura's and watched the sonogram.

"You see this, here," said the doctor, pointing to a tiny shape on the screen. "That's the amniotic sac, and that's your baby."

The words echoed in Jane's mind, her own sonogram flooding her thoughts. She tried to match Maura's happiness but her mind drifted away from Maura and her baby, until it landed in the doctor's office during her own ultrasound. A similar picture on the screen, though her baby was a little larger. She felt tears prick at her eyes and chewed on her lip to distract herself.

"Why can't I hear a heartbeat?" Maura asked, her smile faltering, pulling Jane back into the room. Her heart fluttered inside her chest. Maura squeezed Jane's hand so tightly that she could feel the pressure on her bones. She prised Maura's fingers off and swapped her hand out for her other one, which received the same treatment.

"It's perfectly normal at this stage that your baby's heartbeat might be too faint to pick up," said the doctor. "We can do a transvaginal ultrasound to make sure."

"Please," said Maura.

Jane closed her eyes and listened to the two women exchange conversation. She could see Maura in her mind, sitting beside her at the hospital, when she discovered that her baby didn't make it. When the second ultrasound didn't pick up a heartbeat, Jane could feel herself falling apart. Maura's fingers were still clutched around her hand.

"Yes, I estimate you to be around five weeks," said the doctor. Jane opened her eyes and tried to emulate Maura's cautious smile. "Try not to worry too much, at this stage it's just too early to find a heartbeat. As long as you continue to do all of the things we talked about, the next time you come in we should be able to find one."

After taking a urine sample, Maura and Jane sat opposite the doctor's desk. Jane reached out to Maura's hand and hand it tightly. For her own comfort as much as Maura's.

"Given your age I'm sure you and your partner are well aware of the risks to pregnancy," the doctor said.

"I'm not her partner," Jane said, sitting up straight. She let go of Maura's hand.

"Jane is my best friend," said Maura, folding her hands back onto her lap. "She's here in place of the father, who is currently absent."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed."

"It's fine. I know I have a higher risk of my baby developing abnormalities," said Maura, her voice perfectly calm. Jane could feel her heart racing in her chest. "I should also be aware of preeclampsia and gestational diabetes."

"It's so much easier working with fellow doctors," the woman said, with a smile. "Try to keep an eye out for any symptoms. Don't stress yourself out unnecessarily. If you have any concerns, just book another appointment. If you'd like to come back in a week to hear the heartbeat, I'd be more than happy to fit you in."

"Thank you," said Maura, smiling at the doctor, then Jane. She attempted to smile back, though it didn't quite reach her eyes.

They walked to the car in complete silence. She knew that she should be the one to break the tension and encourage Maura that everything was going to be just fine. Instead, Jane could feel her hands shaking. After everything she'd been through, the thought of exploring that again made it a little harder to be there for Maura.

"I'm fine," said Maura, sitting in the car. "Doctor Kinsey is right, we shouldn't worry."

"No," said Jane, though her speeding heart said otherwise.

Back at Maura's office, Jane sunk into the leather couch, her gaze frozen on the Egyptian rug on the floor. She remembered how she felt at five weeks. She felt an overall weariness that she put down to the strain of her relationship breakdown, until she found out a week later.

"Have you told Jack?" Jane asked, fighting against her consuming thoughts.

"Not yet," said Maura, sitting down beside her. "I'm going to call him tonight and ask him to come to Boston. It doesn't seem right telling him over the phone."

"How are you feeling now?"

"Tired," said Maura, covering her mouth as she yawned. "I didn't sleep well yesterday, my mind's been too busy."

"What about the baby? It's been less than a week."

"I feel okay," said Maura, her face lit up. "I've always wanted to be a mother. Whether Jack is here or not. It feels like my only chance."

Jane leant back against the couch, reaching her hand out for Maura's. When their fingers connected, Jane squeezed Maura's hand between them. If she couldn't give her all of her enthusiasm, she would at least offer her as much as she could.

The return to work was a welcomed relief that Jane was grateful for. She refocused her attention on their newest case and attempted to put Maura and the baby out of her mind. When she went home that evening her distractions ceased and it all flooded back again.

"Not now, Jo Friday," she snapped, pushing the dog off her lap and onto the floor. She laced up her running shoes, filled Jo Friday's food bowl and left her apartment.

The night was dry and quiet. She blocked out the buzz of traffic in the distance and focused instead on putting one foot in front of the other. The exertion involved in her run pulled her brain away from her thoughts and onto the thrumming inside of her chest. With each step she felt her heart race along with her.

"Stab wound," she muttered, going through the latest case as she ran. "Sixteen. Orphan. No family."

When Jane slowed down to take a break she found herself stood in the same park she'd been in weeks before. The empty bench where she'd sat thinking about her unborn child. She ran her hands across her abdomen and imagined what she'd look like now, around eight months pregnant. Would the baby have already arrived? Would Casey have come back and supported her? She'd never know.

"What are you doing, Rizzoli?" she asked herself, sitting down on the bench and staring out across the park. Everything she'd been through lately had helped to heal her old wounds. She thought she'd reached a point where everything was going to be okay and now she didn't know what to think. Maybe she was only thinking about her pregnancy because of Maura, or maybe it was always going to come back to haunt her. The last thing she wanted was for it to stop her from supporting her best friend. She told her she'd be there for her. No matter how painful that might be, she couldn't just back out of that.


	3. Chapter 3: Maura

**Author Note: Thanks to all who favourited, followed, commented and/or read the last chapter. I'm so impatient that I've got another chapter already. The problem with planning a story is that I usually write snippets of dialogue in the planning stages, so I have a couple of scenes of dialogue that I just want to share right now. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I think we're finally getting to the nitty gritty.**

* * *

The slow heartbeat of her baby was enough to set her up for the day. Maura walked into the kitchen with a smile plastered across her face. Her appointment at the doctor's had been brief, but it settled her nerves. She pulled a cup out of the cupboard and dropped a teabag into it. The kettle boiled. As much as she loved a mug of coffee in the morning, the need to lower her caffeine intake had given her a newly acquired taste for tea.

"Brilliant, pour me a cup," said Jane, walking into the kitchen behind her.

"It's not coffee."

Jane's shoulders dropped. "You sure know how to disappoint a girl. How was your appointment?"

"It was wonderful," said Maura, her face lit up. She placed her cup on the kitchen counter. Her cheeks ached. "The baby's heartbeat was a little slow but Doctor Kinsey said it's within the normal range. It's like nothing I've ever heard before."

"I'm happy for you, Maur," Jane said. She picked up Maura's tea and took a sip. Her face scrunched up. "That is disgusting. Why would you drink that?"

"It's refreshing. You know I need to cut down on caffeine."

"They do make coffee without caffeine in it."

"Would you drink de-caff?"

"If I had no other option." Jane pushed the cup back towards Maura. "What time is Jack coming?"

"He'll be arriving in the next half hour."

"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"

For two days Maura had considered how she would play out her time with Jack. He seemed reluctant to fly out in the first place. The news was unexpected. She thought about postponing the trip frequently. Perhaps it was better he found out later. Then she deliberated telling him over the phone.

"I'll be fine, Jane," she said.

"I'll be in the Dirty Robber, call me if you need me and I'll come right back."

Jane took a couple of steps away, prompting Maura's stomach to flip. She felt queasy. Before Jane could get very far, Maura hooked her hand around Jane's arm and held her there. They stared into each other's eyes. The words she wanted to say dissipated with her thoughts.

"Maybe we could have lunch."

"I'd like that, I'll meet you at the Robber when you're done?" Maura nodded. Jane turned to leave.

"Don't go." Maura paused. "Not yet. Stay until he comes, please?"

She could feel tears glistening in her eyes. The uncontrollable response of her emotions fighting for their right to be heard. Maura sunk onto a stool, her shoulders lowered. She pawed at her eyes. When Jane placed a hand on her shoulder, Maura reached forward and wrapped her arms around Jane's back. She pressed her face to Jane's shoulder when she finally responded.

"Everything's going to be fine." Jane sighed. "You are a beautiful, strong woman. You can do this, no matter what happens."

She pulled back and lowered her head, brushing the tearstained from her cheeks. Attempted to smile, if only to show that she could handle it. Her whole body shook, from the tips of her fingers down to her toes. More tears slid down her cheeks.

"Hey," said Jane, scooping her back into her arms. "Come on Maur, don't do this. Jack is a good guy. He loves his daughter, he'll love your child too."

The doorbell rang. Maura climbed off the stool and stepped out of Jane's arms. She took a number of methodical breaths as she splashed water on her face and placed her tea cup in the sink. Once she'd wiped her face down with a paper towel, she brushed down her dress.

"Shall I?" Jane asked, Maura shook her head and went to the door.

When she opened the front door, Jack stood there wearing a blue sweater, chinos and carrying a small carry-on. Seeing him again after just a few weeks made Maura's heart beat faster. Stepping backwards would do nothing for her personal wellbeing, but she needed to see him to tell him, and there was no getting around that.

"I'll see you later," Jane said, glancing at the both of them as she squeezed Maura's shoulder and slipped past Jack.

"Hi Maura," Jack said, kissing her on the cheek.

"Come on in," she said, holding out her hand and stepping to one side. They walked into the living space. Maura made him some coffee and sat down beside him on the couch. "I know you're curious as to why I asked you to come."

"Sure am. If you've changed your mind."

Maura cut him off. "No. It's not like that. I, I miss you Jack. But that's not why I asked you here."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, not in the traditional sense of the word."

Jack smiled and shifted his position. His chin was shadowed in hairs and his sweater was new. But his eyes didn't change. For a moment Maura could feel herself moving in the direction she didn't want to go. The words wouldn't form on her lips and instead she found herself closing the gap between them.

"I'm pregnant," she whispered, stopping herself from making a huge mistake.

His ears moved in sync with his eyes opening a little wider. Maura's heart raced inside her chest. She was thankful she didn't get herself another drink because her hands shook too much. She held them carefully in her lap.

"My," Jack began to say, but his voice disappeared.

"Yes."

"How long?"

"I'm about six weeks." Maura's hand moved involuntarily to her stomach. "I know it's very early and because of my age I have a higher risk of miscarriage but should the foetus be viable, I wanted you to know as early as possible so that we can make plans."

"Plans?" Jack's eyes lost the light that was in them when Maura opened the door.

"I propose that I be the sole custodian, though I am willing to negotiate with you on that. You can be as involved as you like. I know given the circumstances that it's not going to be easy, with you having moved to New Mexico, but I think we can make it work."

"I need some time to think about this." Jack ran a hand through his hair and stood up. "Maura, I, why didn't you just tell me over the phone?"

"Some conversations are more suited to face to face."

"I thought we were safe."

Her heart sunk. Out of all of the things she expected Jack to say, or not say, she didn't expect him to scrutinise their choice of contraception. He knew as well as anyone how accidents could happen. It was how he ended up with Allie all those years ago.

"We were. I had a kidney infection a few weeks before you left and had to take a course of antibiotics. I assumed we'd be safe using the more conventional forms of contraception but apparently I was wrong."

"You knew there was a risk?" Jack asked, taking a step back.

"Well, no." Maura stood up. "I knew that I was taking medication that would decrease the effectiveness of the contraceptive pill. Given that we used condoms, we were still covered."

"Obviously not well enough."

"This is not my fault and I don't appreciate the implication that it is."

The air grew palpable as silence fell over them. Maura stared at Jack as he looked anywhere but at her.

He scratched the back of his head. "I'm just in shock."

"I don't expect anything from you, Jack. I understand that it may take some time to get used to."

"It's not that." He shook his head. "Maura, you drop this bombshell on me. I moved to New Mexico to be with my daughter. I don't even want to think about what she will say when she finds out. I don't know whether I want to be involved in a child who hasn't even been born at the expense of a child I moved my whole life for."

Maura reached out and touched his arm. "I don't expect you to throw your life away in New Mexico. All I ask is that you consider the options."

He lowered his arm, his tone a little harsher than Maura expected. "Oh I'll consider them."

"If you need more time," Maura said.

"I do." He paused. "You should have just called me, Maura. I came halfway across country just for you to tell me something you could have told me over the phone. I thought something bad had happened. I thought you wanted to get back together."

She stepped towards him. After everything they'd been through together. Her feelings for Jack still ran deep. She closed the gap further and cupped his cheek with her hand. "I didn't mean to worry you, or make you think…I just needed to tell you. I needed to see your face."

"I can't do this right now," he said, batting her hand away and turning towards the door. "I've just started a new job, I'm trying to make things work. My whole life has just changed. I miss you every single day. I can't do this."

"But," Maura began before Jack cut her off.

"No, Maura, you were wrong to have me come here," he said, turning back to face her. "I'll call you, or, whatever."

When the door closed behind him, Maura felt a tugging in her heart. Her hope had been that she would have no expectations about seeing him. The reality of which made it impossible. She wanted him to pull her up in his arms and tell her how much he loved her, that he wanted to move back to raise their child together. It was never going to be simple, not when he already had a teenager living interstate.

* * *

**Author Note: Thank you for reading. I hope you liked the chapter. I also hope you like commenting, because I love a comment or two. Though favouriting and following is also great.**


	4. Chapter 4: Jane

**Author Note: Thank you everyone, as always. You're so brilliant. I love that people are enjoying this enough to favourite and follow, etc. I thought I wasn't going to have time to upload a chapter today because I do volunteer work and I have a very early shift tomorrow (starting 5am); with losing an hour for daylight savings overnight (in the UK) and with taking a trip to a chocolate festival (YUM!) it's been a pretty time losing day. I really enjoyed writing this chapter, so I hope you will enjoy reading it. This is one of the ones I was most looking forward to writing.**

* * *

The buzz of her phone on the bedside table pulled Jane out of her sleep. She fumbled around in the dark for her cell phone. The phone buzzed again as she knocked it blindly onto the floor.

"Shit," she muttered, flicking the switch on the lamp. Under the dull light of the energy saving lightbulb, Jane found her phone in a pile of clothes she'd discarded the night before.

She unlocked the phone and read the messages from Maura.

_'Are you awake? I can't sleep.'_

_'Did you have this trouble when you were pregnant?'_

Jane rolled her eyes and lay back against her pillow. She scrolled through all of the messages they'd exchanged between them. There were six messages in two years.

_'Y ru sending sms?'_ she sent back.

_'I didn't want to wake you.' _

Stifling a yawn, Jane rearranged her pillows so that she was sitting up in bed. She pulled the sheets around her and when she was settled again, replied to Maura's message.

_'Is it imprtnt? I ddnt wnt 2 worry aftr u ddnt cum 2 the drty robbr. Thngs go well wth Jck?' _

She stared at her phone until it sprang to life again.

_'I don't know what you're saying when you don't use vowels.'_

Jane laughed. The sudden noise made her look around her room. It was dark, aside from her lamp which grew a little less dim with each passing minute. The room was silent, too silent, but there wasn't a lot Jane could do. The last time she got up in the middle of the night, her neighbours banged on the wall.

_'Y do I need 2 use vowls? Its sms not an Englsh rport.' _

_'Can you please write normally? I don't understand text language.' _

The difference in how they communicated was startling. Jane always suspected that Maura was a full word kind of person. Normally she put a little more effort into making words legible, but she was tired. Besides, it was entertaining.

_'A gnius who cnt undrstnd txt lang, whtevr nxt?' _

_'Jane.' _

_'Im sorry, we dont do sms.' _

A couple of minutes passed. Jane wondered if maybe Maura had fallen asleep, after all. She slipped down under the covers and reached across to turn the lamp off when her phone buzzed again.

_'Jack left. He said he doesn't know if he wants to be involved.' _

Jane's shoulders sunk against the mattress. Before she could respond, another message came through.

_'Do you want to get some tacos?' _

Jane frowned. _'At 2.30am?' _

_'I'm hungry.' _

_'Do u not hav somethin u can eat at home?' _

_'No tacos.'_

She pushed the bed sheets away and climbed out of bed. In the near-darkness she fumbled around for a pair of sweatpants and a jacket. If she was going to do this, she was going to do it comfortably. Then she sent a message back.

_'Wat do u want on ur taco? Coming now.'_

Jane picked up her car key and took the stairs down to the street. She unlocked the car and sat down in the driving seat. Before she set off she checked her phone again. Two more messages.

_'Chocolate spread. The nutty kind.'_

_'Did you fall asleep?'_

She smiled and quickly sent a message back.

_'Chocolate spread? On tacos? Not asleep.' _

She waited for another message.

_'I don't understand it either.'_

She turned the engine on as she sent a final message to Maura.

_'Anything else on your taco?' _

_'Just chocolate spread.'_

She put her foot on the gas and drove off through the streets of Boston. Her mind went through all of the places she knew of where she could find tacos in the middle of the night. There weren't any. After driving around for a few minutes she finally gave in and pulled over and checked Google on her phone. There was one take out restaurant still open.

"Hi," she said, walking up to the counter. She glanced around at the small room. Cleanliness left a lot to be desired, but she needed to find tacos.

"What do you want pretty lady?" the man asked, with a slimy grin.

"Could you, by any chance, make me a chocolate spread taco?"

"Chocolate spread?" His face cracked up into roarous laughter. "This is a Mexican joint, lady, we don't do no chocolate spread tacos. You crazy?"

Jane cursed under her breath. "I have a pregnant friend who wants tacos and that nutty chocolate spread. Can't you make something up?"

"Do I look like I got chocolate spread hanging around? This ain't no fancy pregnant lady joint."

"Can I get some plain tacos then?" she asked, leaning on the counter, then stepping back again. A layer of grime coated her wrists.

"We don't do plain."

Jane rolled her eyes. "I'm not asking you to bake them, just the taco shells."

"Can't do it, lady. It's not on the menu."

She thanked the man as politely as she could and walked out. On the drive towards Maura's she stopped by a twenty-four hour food mart where she picked up a box of taco shells and a tub of chocolate spread. Ten minutes later she knocked on Maura's door.

"Where have you been? Why didn't you message me again?" Maura asked when she opened the door.

Jane tried not to laugh. "I've been looking for chocolate spread tacos, where else would I be at three in the morning? Besides at home in bed, asleep."

"I sent you six messages."

"Were they important?"

"Not unless you consider the state of my mental health to be important," Maura said.

"You're pregnant, Maura, you're not sick."

Jane handed her the food and filled herself a glass of water. She watched avidly whilst Maura scooped chocolate spread out of the jar using the taco shells. The idea repulsed her. In the end, she couldn't watch any longer.

"Give me some," she said, taking a taco shell and scooping out some chocolate spread. She forced herself to swallow and placed the remainder of the shell on the counter. Then she finished her glass of water. "Maura, why would you eat that?"

"You know why."

"But tacos and chocolate spread?"

Maura swallowed a mouthful and held up a finger in front of her. "If I recall, you developed an unhealthy obsession with ice."

"You told me that was because of an iron deficiency."

"And chocolate cravings are linked to a lack of magnesium."

"Aren't you the fountain of pregnancy knowledge," said Jane.

"A lack of sleep makes me read. I read the whole chapter of the pregnancy book on pre-natal care."

"Speaking of sleep," said Jane. "Can we get some now?"

"I haven't made up the spare room," said Maura, closing the chocolate spread jar and reboxing the tacos.

"Like I care," said Jane, heading for the stairs. She trawled up them slowly, her limbs fought with their desire for rest. Jane hovered by Maura's door until she'd climbed back into bed. "Goodnight, Maura."

"Jane," Maura said.

She took a couple of steps into the room. "What is it, Maura?"

"I'm sorry I didn't call you. I needed some time on my own after Jack left."

She shrugged. In the hunt for tacos and her already frazzled mind, Jane had completely forgotten about Jack. "I assumed you were getting along fine and maybe that's why you didn't get in touch. I didn't want to disturb you so I left you alone."

Maura patted the bed beside her and Jane climbed on top of the covers. She leant back against the headboard.

"I really thought he'd be fine with the baby, happy even," Maura said, resting her head on Jane's shoulder. Jane wrapped an arm around her. "The way he moved across country for Allie."

"You hoped he'd do the same for your child," said Jane.

"It's silly," she said, lowering her gaze. "Allie needs him just as much. I thought better of him."

"Maybe he needs some time."

"Maybe."

In the silence, Jane stroked the side of Maura's head. She could feel a couple of tears landing on her fingers as she held her close. Her heart broke for Maura, for the disappointment she'd faced. After everything, she believed in Jack as much as Maura did, and he let her down.

"Did you know the baby is the size of a sweat pea?" Maura asked.

Jane frowned. "How big's a sweet pea?"

"A quarter inch. It's starting to get a nose, eyes, ears, chin and even cheeks."

"Those are some pretty tiny cheeks," said Jane.

"Yeah. Really tiny. Her hands are like paddles."

"Like boat paddles?"

"No, like ducks feet."

"Your baby is Donald Duck in utero?"

Maura's lips curved at the edges until her smile reached her eyes. She batted Jane on the shoulder and shook her head. Jane batted her back, her hand colliding with Maura's breast.

"Ow," Maura said, sitting upright and rubbing her chest.

"Sorry, Maura, did I hurt you?" Jane asked.

"I'm fine," she said. "Just really sore. It's all the extra blood. I feel like I'm about to get my period."

She slid down under the bed sheets and rested her head on the pillow. Jane watched her settle down, her eyelids already drooping. When she was certain Maura was about to go to sleep, she pulled the covers back and slid beside her. She rested her own head on the other pillow and faced her.

Maura opened her eyes and reached a hand out to Jane's. "Will you stay?"

"I thought I was," said Jane.

"No, in, when I go into labour. Will you stay with me then? I don't think I can do it alone."

"Course, Maura," Jane said, forging a smile. Maura smiled back. Her eyes closed and within seconds her breathing levelled out.

The previous desire to go back to sleep dissipated with every second she lay beside Maura. Jane's heart beat so loud that she could hear it passing through her ears. She closed her eyes and tried to block out the sound but it was too loud. She imagined herself holding Maura's hand as she gave birth. Then their positions reversed and Jane was the one pushing a baby out, with Maura by her side. A lump settled uncomfortably in the back of her throat.

* * *

**Author Note: Thank you for reading. So, did you enjoy it too? I hope so.**


	5. Chapter 5: Maura

**Author Note: I got a little carried away with this chapter, it's longer than the previous ones. Oops. Thank you to everyone for reading, commenting, etc. Here's another chapter. Not sure when the next one will be up as I'm rather tired, which will probably overrun into the rest of the week. I think I overdid it writing so much in a short space of time. Anyway, I'm certainly not going to leave it a while.**

* * *

Maura clutched her twelve week scan in her left hand, her other resting on her abdomen. For the first time she noticed a slightly more pronounced shape to her body, though she wondered if it was all in her head. Now that she'd hit the twelve week mark she could start telling people. She would _have_ to tell people. Over the next few weeks her body would continue to change. She'd already gone up two cup sizes. Shopping for lingerie was so far her favourite thing about being pregnant. Maternity wear was next on her agenda of things to buy for herself. Then there was the baby. Maura had avoided shopping for baby things until she felt more settled in her pregnancy, she could finally put a deposit on the crib she'd seen in Before Baby magazine.

"You look like you've got your head in the clouds," Angela said, when Maura walked into the kitchen. She slipped the sonogram into her purse and dropped it onto the counter.

"I have some news," said Maura, resting her hands on the counter in front of her. Angela stood opposite, silently waiting. "I'm pregnant."

"I knew it!" Angela screamed. She walked around the kitchen island and wrapped her arms around Maura. She allowed her a moment's contact before taking a step back. The distance was not enough when Angela reached out and cupped her face. "I knew it when I saw your big boobies. Tell me everything."

"I'm around twelve weeks," she said, taking another step back. "The sonogram was perfectly normal, the baby is the correct length and growing as it should."

"I am so happy for you," said Angela, wrapping her arms around her again and kissing both cheeks. Maura shifted her position. "Congratulations, Maura."

"Thank you."

Angela's smile never faltered. She tilted her head from one side to the other, analysing Maura. "You are going to make such an amazing mother. I bet your mom's excited about becoming a grandmother."

Her parenting ability had played on her mind multiple times since she discovered her pregnancy. As had informing her mother - both of them. Maura tried to smile and thank her. Her voice cracked under the strain of the lump settling in the back of her throat.

"I have to go," she said, picking up her bag and carrying it out of the house before Angela could react.

She drove across town and pulled up outside Jane's apartment. When she knocked on Jane's door, there was no answer. She pulled out her cell phone and dialled Jane's number. No answer again. She called the precinct and passed on a message. An hour later and Jane hadn't called her back. The pressure on Maura's bladder made her feel uncomfortable. Her feet ached from standing up for so long. She slipped off her heels and lowered herself onto the floor; she could dry clean her clothing later. At some point during her childhood she'd become very good at pushing niggling thoughts to one side, a skill she was thankful for. Instead she recited poetry and the periodic table to distract herself. When Jane finally arrived her eyes filled with tears.

"Maura?"

Jane reached out a hand and helped her to her feet. She didn't want to cry but her hormones fought against her natural defences. Seeing Jane was like coming home after a difficult week. Tears strolled down her cheeks. Maura swiped them away, but more continued to come. Her heart raced along with her thoughts. Her nerves were in tatters. When Jane opened her apartment door, Maura marched in. She walked across the room and back again, her eyes blurred from the increased number of tears.

"Hey, hey, slow down," said Jane, reaching out to stop her from walking. She shrugged her off and continued pacing.

She shook her head. "I don't think I can do this."

"Do what?" Jane asked, sitting on the back of her couch and watching her.

"Have a baby, how can I have a baby Jane? I'm not ready. I don't know how to have a baby. I know the science behind pregnancy and giving birth. I know how to express breast milk. I know how to build a crib. I know what diapers to buy depending on the baby's age and size. What I don't know is how to look after a baby."

Her breathing became laboured as she repeated more and more things she'd learnt through reading books or watching videos on YouTube. She continued to pace as she recited the knowledge she'd accumulated over the last few weeks.

"Did you know that stillbirth is still extremely common and sixty-eight babies die every day in the United States alone? Approximately four thousand babies die each year from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome or being strangled or suffocated accidentally before they're even a year old. And even if your baby makes it out of the womb and past its first birthday injury is the leading cause of death among children, with nearly half of accidents happening in the home?"

Her feet traced over the same square footage repeatedly, her heart raced and tears clung to her cheeks. When Jane's hands reached out to touch her, she flinched. But Jane didn't stop. Maura slowed her pacing and allowed Jane to pull her into her arms. She ceased reciting facts and gave into Jane's embrace. Her hand rested on the back of her head. Maura gasped as she fought for oxygen, a heavy weight rested on her chest.

"Maura, you need to stop," said Jane, whispering into her ear. "You need to stop reading about these things. It's not doing you any good."

"But I don't know how to be a mother," she said, pulling out of the embrace. Jane cupped her face and wiped tears from her cheeks. More tears replaced them until Jane gave up. She guided Maura to the couch and sat her down. She held her hands on her lap, hands that for a moment felt like someone else's.

"Maura," Jane said, sitting down. "Where is all of this coming from? I thought you were happy. I thought you'd found peace with Jack practically abandoning you."

"Don't mention Jack," said Maura, lowering her head. "I can't even think about him. I don't want to think about him. If I think about him I don't think I'll be able to think about anything else."

"Maura."

She stopped talking. With every breath she felt her heart rate begin to slow.

"What's gotten you into such a panic?" asked Jane, circling her fingers across the back of Maura's hands.

"Angela said," Maura began, but Jane cut her off.

"What did my mother do?"

"No," Maura said, her tears subsiding. "She didn't do anything. Angela said that I'm going to make an amazing mother. Then she asked about Constance and Hope."

"And now you're behaving like a neurotic mother."

"She made me think about what sort of mother I'll be." Her childhood lacked a lot of things, things that for a long time Maura had thought about in great depth. What would it have been like to be brought up by Hope? Would she be loved differently? Would she be the same person? "I don't know what that will look like. I have two conflicting role models and I don't think either have done the best job."

Jane shrugged. "Nobody knows what it'll look like."

"Why not?"

Some questions ceased to have meaning the second they were asked. Maura knew it was pointless to consider the why. The world was one way and though Maura's vision for it was another, sometimes, she still needed to question.

"Because you've never done it before," said Jane.

"I don't think I like that," Maura replied.

Certainty in the universe was what kept her whole. Social contact had always been her weakness. Maura knew that the universe was made up of seconds, minutes, hours, and days. She'd studied the behaviour of primates, researched cell duplication, and spent weekends in the observatory. Whilst she'd studied the psychology of the human mind, she lacked the social ability to function highly in a socially stimulating environment. Being the sole carer for a child who depended on her for everything from food and shelter, to love and encouragement, was a step too far.

"Maybe not, but that's just the way it is." Jane paused. "Come on, Maura. You are a sweet, kind, generous person who doesn't have a mean bone in her body. It's not like being in high school, your kid will love you for you. You are made to be a mother and you're going to do it well."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do."

"How?"

"You mother me all the time," Jane said.

"I do not."

"Really? Last week when I ate hamburger for dinner five nights in a row you told me what it will do to my body."

"That's not parenting," Maura said. "That's common sense."

"It stopped me from eating a sixth."

Maura raised her eyebrows. "The recommended weekly allowance for red meat is eighteen ounces, you easily eat a third of that in one burger. There's also an awful lot of fat in processed meats."

"See, you make sure I am learning something new all of the time."

"You bug me about that." Every time she opened her mouth to say something, Maura could see the look in Jane's eyes. She knew she loved her. She wouldn't have stuck around for a decade if she didn't. But she also knew that Jane disliked her enthusiasm for facts.

"Only because I don't care if a burger is six ounces, or twenty seven ounces," Jane said. "I'm still gonna eat one. That is my choice as an adult, but if I were your kid, you'd tell me no and I'd listen to you."

"Unlikely."

"That's because I grew up with my mother."

Maura allowed her lips to curl up into a smile. Her heart beat slowed. Each breath became a little easier to handle and she took in a few deep breaths to steady herself. Jane let go of her hands and she rested them on her stomach. She lowered her head and closed her eyes. The feel of her abdomen under her hands settled her further.

"I think what you need is a nice, large pizza," said Jane, picking up her phone. "Ham and pineapple?"

"No pineapple," said Maura, scrunching up her nose.

When the pizza arrived Maura ate it hungrily. The outburst of emotion had left her shattered. She felt insurmountably calmer.

"When you get home tomorrow," Jane said, swallowing a bite of pizza. "I'm going to remove every book you have on pregnancy."

"But what if I," Maura began. Jane cut her off.

"No. It's not doing you any good to memorise the risks. Besides, you already learnt every book word for word."

"Only the important parts."

"If you have any questions that you don't know the answer to," Jane said. "Ask me and I'll find out for you."

"But," Maura said, trailing off when Jane piped up.

"No, you can't beat yourself up about things that have not and probably will not ever happen. It's not good for you and it's not good for the baby."

"Fine." Maura lifted another slice of pizza from the box. "You can take the books, but only if you promise to read the part about the birth."

"Are there disgusting pictures?"

"There's pictures that depict the miracle of life."

"I thought so." Jane held her slice of pizza away for a moment, then dropped it into the box.

"It's a beautiful moment," said Maura, though she could appreciate Jane's distaste. Despite reading a whole chapter on pain management, Maura was none-the-wiser over her best course of action. Aside from cesarean, there was no pain-free way of giving birth.

"Says the woman who has never had to push a head the size of a bowling ball out of her vagina."

Maura thought about the tiny drawing in one of her books. The words tearing and fecal incontinence left her feeling queasy. "Neither have you."

"Thank God for that," said Jane, though her eyes didn't match the jokey atmosphere.

"You don't mean that," said Maura, watching her closely. It wasn't all that long ago that Jane was pregnant herself.

"Yes, I do. Having a baby is one thing, childbirth is something else entirely."

"So it's not okay for me to worry about the baby's life but it's okay for you to worry about how it looks for a woman to give birth?" Maura asked, taking Jane's lead and putting the baby question to one side.

"Childbirth is going to happen," she said. "Most of the other things probably won't."

"Unless I have a cesarean."

"Do you really want them to cut open your stomach?"

"Well, no." Unnecessary scarring and the risk of infection had put a cesarean out of Maura's mind. She planned to take a leave of absence from work after the birth, she didn't want to spend that time struggling to move. "Not unless it's necessary."

"That's settled then," Jane said. "Natural birth, except if medically necessary."

"Are you going to make all the decisions about my pregnancy?"

"You're the one who made me her birthing partner."

"For the birth, Jane, not the whole pregnancy."

"Except that I have to go to those stupid birthing classes with you."

A silence fell over them. Maura's mood had lifted considerably since she arrived and for that she was grateful. She reached out and took Jane's hand, holding it tightly.

"Thank you, Jane. For being here," she said.

"Always."


	6. Chapter 6: Maura

**Author Notes: Thank you to everyone for continuing to read and support my writing. I'm not entirely happy with this chapter but it didn't feel very easy to write. I'd rather get it out there as it is and move on. I hope you enjoy it, all the same. Apparently I messed the order up, also. This is another Maura chapter. I couldn't think of anything to fill between this one and the last one and it didn't feel right writing it from Jane's POV, so it is what it is.**

* * *

The smooth curve of Maura's enlarged abdomen moved beneath her hand. The first kick. She sat in the waiting area at the hospital, replaying the image of her baby on the sonogram.

"Hi baby," she muttered, rubbing her stomach where the baby moved.

The printed sonogram and DVD were in her purse. She'd become more cautious, too afraid of losing them, of forgetting the moment she found out one of the most significant parts of her child's identity. Whilst Jane still had possession over her books, Maura had taken to reading research papers on child development, and gender issues were her greatest worry.

"I'm so sorry," Jane said as she ran into the room, her hands on her hips, she doubled over gasping for breath. "We got a case."

"Why didn't you call me?" Maura asked, her brow creased.

"I didn't have time, we were out in the park and the next thing I know I'm in the parking lot running up four flights of stairs."

"Not about missing the ultrasound," said Maura, standing up. "I should have gotten a call about the case."

"I told them not to call you."

"You had no right," said Maura, slipping her purse over the end of her arm. "I'm still the Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts."

Jane rolled her eyes. "You also had a very important scan which I know you'd have been devastated to miss."

"I would not."

"Really, Maura?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. "You have every appointment scheduled to the day, in three different diaries. You'd really have been okay rescheduling?"

"Well, no, but you cannot make those kind of decisions about my work."

"It's not like anybody dies if you're not there," Jane said, her face cracked a smile and she bent forwards laughing. Maura didn't think the joke was very funny, then again, she rarely got Jane's sense of humour.

"How's the bun?" asked Jane. "Still cooking alright?"

Maura narrowed her eyes, a little crease forming at the corners. She attempted to push away a desire to laugh. She was still mad at Jane.

"Don't hold back, Doctor Isles," Jane said, staring at her until she allowed her face to soften and her lips to curve. "So, what's the score?"

"It's not baseball," said Maura, pulling the sonogram out of her purse and handing it to Jane. "Though someone will need to teach him how to play."

Jane held the sonogram in front of her. Her face lit up in much the same way Maura expected hers did when she was having the scan. She lowered the picture.

"You're having a boy?"

"I'm having a boy," she said, a smile plastered so far across her face, her cheeks ached.

"You're really going to let me teach him baseball?" Jane asked, raising an eyebrow.

Maura nodded. "Playing sport has a number of benefits. It will allow him to build confidence, learn how to work in a team and develop a positive body image. That's just the social side. Hand eye coordination, spacial awareness and fine motor skills are all things he will need to develop. I can't think of a better sport than baseball. There's no contact, unlike football."

"You've obviously never been to a pro ball game."

Maura's brow furrowed. "There's physical contact?"

"Not as much as in football," said Jane.

"Maybe I should reconsider, what do you know about hockey?"

"No, Maura," Jane said, shaking her head. She glanced down at her watch. "What time's the birthing class?"

"Two."

"We should go," said Jane, handing the sonogram back and heading for the door.

They walked down the corridor and followed the signs to the correct room.

"I thought the birthing classes start in the third trimester?" Jane asked, as they walked. "Why are we them at five months?"

Maura stopped, her face lit up. "Detective Rizzoli, have you been reading?"

"Why yes I have, Doctor Isles," Jane replied, with a roll of the eyes. "I had to do something to pass the hours in a seminar BPD insisted I take part in."

"I don't know whether to praise or admonish you," Maura said, raising her eyebrows.

They walked into the room just before the session was due to start. Maura reached for Jane's arm, wrapping her hand around it. She didn't know why she felt nervous. Growing used to unfamiliar and unexpected social environments had become almost second nature to her now.

"Hello, I'm Maureen Turner," the woman at the front of the room said. "I'm the childbirth educator, what's your name?"

"I'm Doctor Maura Isles," Maura said. Maureen ticked her name off a list. "I brought my partner, Jane Rizzoli."

Jane took a step forwards and shook hands with the woman. She nodded her head in greeting. Maureen made a note of her name and held her hand out towards the rest of the room.

"Feel free to make yourself a drink and take a seat, we'll be starting shortly."

Maura sat down beside an older man and his younger looking partner, their fingers interlinked between them. Nobody said a word. Jane joined her with a glass of orange juice, which she passed to Maura, and a coffee. The other couples were taking their seats, most of which showed their connection through physical contact. The thought of Jack in New Mexico, probably teaching a class, made her shoulders sink. They should have been doing it all together.

"Thank you," she whispered, taking a sip of the orange juice to distract herself from the threat of tears.

"If they weren't holding hands, I'd guess he was the grandfather," said Jane, sending a glance across to the older man.

Once the circle of chairs had been filled, Maureen sat down and introduced herself. Going round the circle, Maura could feel herself growing more and more anxious. They were all with their boyfriends or husbands. Not one other person had brought along a friend, or family member.

"I'm Jane Rizzoli," Jane said, holding up her right hand. "I'm here because I'm Maura's partner, I'm a detective at the Boston Police Department. I don't really know what to expect."

The circle of people stared at her silently. Maura took a long, deep breath in and out, her hand reaching for Jane's arm again.

"I'm Doctor Maura Isles," she said, reciting the words she'd practice many times when she needed to introduce herself to others. "I am the Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. I had my twenty week scan today, it's my first pregnancy and I'm having a boy. What am I expecting? to learn something."

Listening to Maureen explain the aim of the classes and the plan for the next few sessions gave Maura time to recompose herself. She finally let go of Jane when Maureen started to talk about the biology of pregnancy.

"If you'd like to take a ten minute break," said Maureen, once she'd explained the final weeks. Maura felt fairly confident that the information given was only solidifying everything she'd read before Jane took away her books.

"Are you sure we need to be here now?" Jane asked, leaning closer to Maura. "Everyone else is about to pop."

"I want to be prepared," Maura said.

"Most people prepare at seven months, not five."

"Most people aren't me."

"That's true," said Jane.

Two sets of eyes were watching them. Maura could feel the lack of comfort and turned to face a young couple who sat across the circle from them.

"Hello," Maura said, smiling up at them. They stood up and moved around the circle towards them.

"Hi, sorry," the man said, sitting down beside Jane. "We didn't mean to interrupt."

"You didn't," said Jane, sitting back. "Maura and I were just discussing that we need more pregnant people in our lives."

"We were?" Maura asked. Jane's eyes narrowed and Maura nodded. "Yes, we were."

"Considering it's our first too, we wanted to talk to you," said the woman. "Scott and I have been so nervous. How are you feeling about your first?"

"Nervous, I guess," said Maura and Jane raised an eyebrow. "I feel butterflies."

"Me too," the woman said, jumping a little in her seat.

"Carina and I have been trying for months," Scott said. "We didn't think it was going to happen, then when we took a break, bam."

"Bam," Jane repeated, her most false smile spread across her face.

"I don't mean to be rude," Carina said, looking at Scott and smiling. "But we just wanted to know, how did you, how does it work."

"How does what work?" Maura asked, her brow furrowing.

"Getting…pregnant," she said. "Did you use a sperm donor?"

Jane coughed, covering her mouth as she started to splutter. Maura frowned.

"I hope you don't mind us asking," Scott said. "My sister is hoping to start a family with her girlfriend. We don't know anyone else who's gay so when we saw you two, we wanted to get some tips from someone who's been there."

"We're not," said Jane, shaking her head. "We're not."

"We're just friends," Maura clarified. "Jane's my birthing partner."

"Oh, we're sorry," Carina said, her face turned a bright shade of fuchsia. "We didn't mean to assume. Oh gosh, I hope you'll forgive us."

"Well," Jane began but Maura cut her off.

"It's no trouble," said Maura, and the couple scurried off across the circle.

"What did you say that for?" Jane asked.

"They were obviously embarrassed."

"So they should be."

"It was a fair assumption to make, Jane."

"Does everyone else think we're a couple, too?"

"Does it matter?" Maura asked, shrugging her shoulders. The whole incident made her smile. Her friendship with Jane mattered a lot to her, the fact other people could see how close they were only showed how special it was.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Is everybody ready to start up again?" Maureen asked, cutting the conversation short.

"You owe me," Jane whispered.


	7. Chapter 7: Jane

**Author Notes: Well that took a while. I had most of this chapter written, but I've been away three times over the last couple of weeks, and with holidays I've been spending a lot of time with family, so I've been rather busy. I've finally got this chapter completed, though. So I hope you like it.**

* * *

The phone buzzed under her pillow, where Jane had been keeping it since Maura started sending messages with regular updates on her pregnancy. She was already awake. Maura had sent half a dozen goofy messages with random factoids which Jane responded to with generic messages. Her phone kept buzzing.

"What is it Maura?" Jane asked on answering her phone, she sat upright and opened her eyes fully. "Maura, Maura slow down. I'll be right over."

The door opened before Jane could even knock. Maura stared at her, her eyes dancing about in their glistening sockets. Jane reached out to her. Stopping her before she could offer much comfort, Maura dug her fingers into Jane's wrists, holding her steady.

"I was hoping I was mistaken, I sent you messages to distract myself. But it's been hours since I felt him move. He's been awake at this time every night for a couple weeks."

"Why didn't you call me sooner?" Jane asked, reclaiming a hand to stroke the side of Maura's face. "We don't know anything yet, do we?"

Maura shook her head, then opened her mouth a little. Jane placed her finger against her lips.

"We don't need to say the dozens of things going around in your head because most of them are not true."

"But."

"No, Maura," Jane said, pulling her into her arms. "We wait until a doctor tells us what is going on."

The few steps to the car were painstaking. Jane's heart raced along with the engine. She clutched the steering wheel until her knuckles grew white and her joints ached, but she couldn't allow the chill running through her body to overcome her. She needed to be the strong one.

"Call the hospital, let them know we're coming in," said Jane, squeezing Maura's knee. She returned her wobbling fingers to the wheel and hoped Maura didn't notice her hesitancy. Maura nodded slowly, her eyes still glistened under the light of the moon, her hands wrapped protectively around her abdomen.

"What if," Maura said, only to be cut off again by Jane.

"No, Maura. You don't guess."

"It's not a guess," said Maura. "It's an educated theory."

"Known to everyone else as guessing."

When they pulled up outside the hospital, Jane climbed out of the car quickly and ran around to the passenger seat. She scooped Maura up in both arms the second she'd removed her seatbelt.

"What are you doing? I can walk."

"I'm not taking any chances," said Jane, kicking the car door closed and carrying her into the hospital.

They sat in the waiting area for longer than Jane could cope with. A lump settled at the back of her throat. Everything she was trying to ignore settled painfully in that lump. She clung to the chair in much the same way she clutched the steering wheel.

"Let's play I-spy," she said, desperate for something to distract them both with. Maura shook in the seat beside her. Jane took off her jacket and wrapped it around Maura's shoulders. The act was pointless as she didn't expect it would stop her worries, but she had to do something. She had to keep it together, she had to be there for Maura in every which way she could.

"You go first," said Maura, her voice drained of all tone.

"I-spy with my little eye," Jane cleared her throat. Her eyes pricked with the threat of tears. She coughed and wiped at her eyelids. She attempted to steady her voice. "Something beginning with D."

"Doctor," said Maura, rubbing her bump.

"Yay," Jane replied, mock excitement barely audible. She didn't even have an answer, just plucked a letter out of nowhere and hopes Maura would fill in the blanks.

"I-spy something beginning with...J."

"Jane," said Jane. Maura shook her head. "Jello."

"Where is there jello?" Maura asked.

"We're in a hospital, there must be some somewhere." Jane glanced around the waiting area. She guessed jingle bells, jiggling stomachs and Jane's shoes. "I give up. If it's some science word, I'm not playing with you anymore."

Maura's mouth curved in the briefest of smiles. "Jesus."

"Where?" Jane asked, searching the room for a man who looked like Jesus or a picture. When Maura pointed to a small wooden cross, Jane rolled her eyes. "Jesus isn't even on the cross."

"So? Everyone knows a cross is associated with Jesus."

"And Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

"Who?"

"Never mind."

A young man in scrubs stopped in front of them. Jane stood up, then helped Maura to her feet.

"I'm Doctor Hardy," he said, holding up a file. "Which one of you beautiful ladies is the mother to be?"

"The pregnant one," said Jane, motioning to Maura's abdomen. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-seven," he replied.

"You barely look old enough to be out of school," said Jane. "We want a proper doctor."

Maura reached out to Jane's arm. "It's okay, Jane."

"No, it's not," she said. "You're pregnant, Maura. We're not taking chances with Doctor Diaper here."

"I'm a first year resident," Doctor Hardy said. Jane groaned. "I can assure you that I won't be conducting the examination, unless I'm being observed by an experienced physician who will make sure it is carried out efficiently."

"Happy now?" Maura asked. Jane nodded.

After a quick examination, they pulled out an ultrasound machine. During the game Jane's worries dissipated, if only briefly, now that they were doing the scan, her hands began to shake again. Maura reached for her hands. She wanted to keep them to herself, afraid to expose her insecurities, but Maura wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Thank you," she whispered, when Jane wrapped both hands around Maura's.

A loud heartbeat filled the room. Maura glanced across at the screen and smiled. Jane's heart skipped a beat, her whole body felt considerably weaker. Relief settled in the pit of her stomach.

"He's got a strong heartbeat," the doctor said. "No problems that I can see. He's about the right size for twenty-five weeks. I'm a little worried about your blood pressure, though, it is a little high."

"How high? Is it preeclampsia?"

"It could just be anxiety from the night," the doctor said, cleaning up the gel. "I'd like you to take it easy for a few days. Make an appointment to see your OB/GYN in a couple days."

They printed up a copy of the scan and handed it to Maura. Jane rested a hand against her bump. Her heart swelled when she felt an unfamiliar bump under it.

"You had your Mommy and me worried, little guy."

Maura shifted a little as the baby moved about. "I think he likes you, Jane."

"Do you like your Aunt Jane?" she asked and the baby moved again.

"Next time I worry he's not moving," said Maura. "You should just talk to him."

"I'm glad he's okay."

"Me too," said Maura, sitting up. "Now let go of my bump and stop talking, all this movement is making me need the bathroom."

Back in the waiting room, Jane sat down whilst she waited for Maura. Her hands shook even more than before. The lump in her throat fought against her desire not to cry in public, until the battle was won. A couple of tears strolled down her cheeks, followed by a few more, until her whole body shook and her cheeks were stained with wet strands. She hunched over, trying to hide her emotions from the nurse doing paperwork a few feet away.

"Jane?"

She could hear Maura's voice before she saw her, felt her hands wrap around her shoulders before she said anything else. The sudden shock of physical contact sent her mind off in the direction of the baby kicking, of the small bump she'd had months ago, of the opportunity she'd missed out on with the loss of her child.

"What's wrong?" Maura asked, sending her into great gasping sobs.

"I can't do this again, Maur," she said, her breaths growing more laboured. "I can't watch you lose your boy."

"I'm not," Maura replied, her brow furrowed as she rested a hand on Jane's moving shoulder. "He's fine."

"He might not have been," she said, every thought and feeling she'd pushed aside flooded her mind until her breathing became more frantic. Her heart sped along as she lost control.

Maura's shoulders sunk. "You can't tell me to postpone my worry then worry after we know he's okay."

"You don't know," Jane said, stumbling over her words. "What it's like to lose a baby."

She wrapped her arms around her front. She longed, just for a moment, to feel the movement she never got to experience. To feel the ever growing bump more profound than anything she had had.

"I'd be weeks from giving birth if I'd taken more care of him or her."

"That's what this is about?" asked Maura. Jane nodded. She pulled Jane's hands into her own lap and held them there. "Try to breath, Jane."

"I, I can't," she whispered, her chest rising and falling quickly.

"Yes, you can," said Maura, her voice slow and methodical. The soothing sound of her talking made her feel infinitely better. "It's okay to be upset, but nothing you did caused your baby to not survive; being chased and shot at in a high stress environment was the problem, not you."

"But I put myself in that environment."

"You saved Tasha's life."

"I killed my baby."

"No," said Maura, wrapping her arms around Jane's shoulders and whispering in her ear. "You did nothing wrong."

"I'm sorry," Jane said, pushing her feelings to one side. She rested a hand on either side of the chair, her gaze angled towards the floor. "This isn't even about me."

"Except that it is." Maura's hand slid across Jane's back. "You've been with me throughout everything. You got me nachos in the middle of the night, you brought me to the hospital. You are a true friend, Jane. You are as much a part of this as me and the baby, and you did it regardless of how it made you feel."

For the first time she felt like she was. For months she'd been on the edge, supporting Maura and drowning in her own inability to deal with the things she pushed down. Now she could see that the way she felt was as much about Maura's unborn son as about the child she'd lost. Nothing would take away that feeling she felt when Maura told her she'd lost the baby. But hearing the heartbeat of Maura's little boy had been a massive relief. Finally she was learning how to move on.

"How long have you been feeling this way?" Maura asked, wrapping a hand around Jane's.

She shrugged. "I don't know."

"The whole time?"

"Probably," said Jane, glancing briefly at Maura then averting her gaze again.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"How could I?" Jane asked, reclaiming her hands. "You were so excited and I'm excited for you. I want to be happy, I am happy. I just don't want you to have to feel that sadness. I don't want you to hurt the way I hurt."

"It's not about _me_."

"_Yes_, it is."

"Maybe a little," Maura said, holding Jane's hands again. "But it's also about you and your baby. It's okay to feel that loss. You're right, I don't know what it's like. I got a glimpse of what it could feel like tonight and I can finally understand a small part of what you felt."

"But you're happy."

"Where in the rule book does it say I can't be happy when you're feeling sad?" Maura asked.

"Which rule book?"

"The friendship rulebook, Jane." Jane tilted her head to one side, her eyebrows furrowed. "I love you, I want to be there for you. But you need to let me."

"But you're pregnant," said Jane.

"So? I'd rather you tell me when something I'm doing is upsetting you."

"No. Maura. Your being pregnant isn't upsetting me."

"No, but if I'd known I could have been a little more sensitive to your needs. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologise."

"Maybe not, but I will anyway."

Jane stared down at her hands. Her heart swelled with love for Maura. After everything they'd been through, with Paddy, with her jumping off the bridge, their friendship could have ended several times over. No matter how painful it was to consider the future she missed out on having with her child, knowing she had Maura in her life made it that little bit easier.

"Jane," Maura said, taking her hands again. "You mean so much to me. Promise me you'll talk to me if it gets too much again."

"Sometimes it's just too hard," Jane admitted, shrugging her shoulders.

Maura lifted Jane's hands up into her lap. "Then promise me you'll be here for me and the baby."

A few tears developed at the corner of Jane's eyes, she pawed at them with the backs of her hands and rolled her eyes. "I'll always be here for you, Maura, and the baby."

"Thank you."

"Now," said Jane, standing up. "Speaking of being here for you. I think the doctor would be very happy if you'd go home and not get out of bed for a few days. So come on."

Jane took a few steps towards the exit, when she noticed Maura wasn't following. She turned and stared at her.

"You mean I have to walk back to the car?" Maura asked, her eyes wide.

Jane frowned. "What are you talking about, Maur?"

"You carried me in here, now you know the baby is fine, you're just going to let us walk out of here without any protection?" Maura's face cracked into a smile which stretched all the way to the corners of her eyes.

"You do realise you're not that light now you're pregnant," said Jane, walking back to Maura and scooping her up.

"No," said Maura, tapping her hands against Jane's. "I was joking."

"Now she tells me," said Jane, putting her back down on the floor.

"You didn't have to stop," said Maura, her eyes downturned like a little puppy dog.

Jane rolled her eyes and scooped her back up again. "Make your mind up. Why ever did I agree to this?"

"Because you love me."

"If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. You do realise it's five in the morning? I should be asleep."


	8. Chapter 8: Maura

**Author Note: Thank you so much to everyone who left comments and favourited, etc. I really appreciate it and it was lovely to see that so many of you are still enjoying my story. I'd like to thank _RosePetal7_ for giving me a small idea which I've put into the story, it was a great idea. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

The couch cushions had moulded to the shape of Maura's body. She shifted as discomfort set in. The sixth time she'd had to move in only a couple hours. The effort involved left her struggling to breathe. She rubbed the enlarged swell of her abdomen and left her hand in place where the baby moved the most.

"If you make me need the bathroom again," she whispered. "I will not be impressed."

The baby continued to shift under her fingers, pressing out against the wall of her uterus and hitting her palm with what seemed like practiced ease.

"It's not my fault I have high blood pressure," said Maura. "When you're told to rest up by a doctor that's what we must do."

He hit her palm again. Once, twice, like a boxer in training. One, two. She returned her attention to the DVD Jane had bought for her. There was as much gore as she had in her every day, working life.

"What do you think about Buffy the Vampire Slayer?" she asked, rubbing her bump. "Do we tell Jane that we like it?"

The baby moved again.

"Aunt Jane," said Maura, smiling when the baby kicked out once again. More forcefully. "Jane."

They'd discovered his fondness for Jane not long after the scare at the hospital. It made Maura smile every time he moved at the sound of her voice, or when she said her name.

"Mommy," she whispered, and he moved again. She liked the sound of the name he would one day call her. For years she imagined being a mother but nothing prepared her for how it would actually feel. She braced herself as she tested other words. "Daddy."

The baby didn't move.

Her shoulders sunk. She'd thought about Jack frequently but avoided mentioning him for much of the last couple months. He wasn't there. He'd probably never be there, now, and she had to accept that. The baby's lack of movement only reinforced the heartbreaking fact that it would be just the two of them. She didn't know how she'd manage being the Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and a lone parent. Going out in the middle of the night to examine a dead body while her baby slept in his crib wouldn't exactly work. She had options, but none of them were as good as having someone else to share in the parenting responsibilities. A nanny reminded her too much of her own childhood. She didn't want her son to grow up knowing she didn't do much of the work. Day cares weren't easy to get into, least not at short notice, and the best schools were out of the question. She considered giving up work but she didn't think she could do that.

The front door opened and Maura twisted to greet Jane. She visited frequently, even if she was meant to be working, and for that Maura was grateful. She didn't rest well. A couple days was more than sufficient to recoup in most instances and she'd surpassed that weeks ago. Now she was just bored.

"How are you?" Jane asked and the baby moved quickly. He bashed against Maura's womb so hard that it felt like he was trying to get out.

"Uncomfortable," said Maura, rubbing the spot he'd just hit. "Bored. This baby thinks you're amazing and he's not even here yet."

"The kid knows who his Aunt Jane is, don't you buddy?" she asked, sitting down and talking directly to the bump. "If you don't know how to say Dom DiMaggio before your third birthday I'll have failed."

"I thought it was Joe?"

"He was his brother," said Jane, shaking her head. "Your Mommy doesn't know anything about baseball. So, if you want to know anything, you come to me. Okay?"

"You don't need to keep coming to see me, Jane," said Maura. "You have work to do."

"Not had a murder since last week," she said. "Today we have something special happening, so there'd better be no murders."

Maura raised an eyebrow and waited for clarification of what Jane was talking about. When none came she sighed. "Are you going to tell me what that something special is?"

"Is somebody missing the smell of the autopsy room?" Jane asked. Maura nodded. "Your Mommy is one weird lady, it's a good job we love her."

The baby kicked against her again and she shifted about in her seat. "Don't talk, you're making him press on my bladder."

"I'm sorry but I'm here to take you out, so I'll probably be doing a lot of talking."

"Okay, but let me use the bathroom first."

They walked into the autopsy room an hour later. Maura could smell the sanitisation before she could see where they were. The blindfold covering her eyes only stopped her from seeing the whole room, if she looked down she could see her bump. The second Jane pulled the blindfold from her eyes, all of the people she cared about the most held their hands in the air and shouted.

"Surprise!"

Maura placed a hand against her racing heart. Despite having one sense less, she hadn't experienced the heightened sense of hearing, making her jump at the sight of everyone.

"Oh," she whispered, moving her hand to her mouth. Her lips curled up into a smile. She looked around at Korsak, Susie, Angela, Tommy, Frankie and her mother, and others whom she worked or spent time with. "What is this?"

"Duh, Maura," said Jane, rolling her eyes. "It's your baby shower."

"In the autopsy room?"

"We know how much you're missing the place," said Jane. "And Susie made sure all of the dangerous chemicals are locked away so you don't accidentally inhale pheroshumerate."

Susie nodded in confirmation. Maura shook her head. "I don't even know what you just said, but that is not a chemical."

"I'm not a science geek," said Jane. "I am a cake eater, so let's get a baby's butt cupcake before Korsak eats them all."

"What's a baby's butt cupcake?"

"It's one of these," said Jane, holding one out to Maura. "It's a cupcake, with a baby's butt made out of frosting."

"I don't know whether to be amazed or scared," said Maura, laughing.

They ate cake, drank orange juice, and measured Maura's waistline. It had been weeks since she'd seen everybody. Aside from a brief visit from some people, it was mostly Jane who came to see her. She'd forgotten how much she was actually craving human contact in the weeks since she'd been put on bed rest. Now she didn't think she could be away from them for much longer.

"How long have you got left until the baby is born?" Korsak asked.

Maura held out a hand. "I'm just over thirty weeks, now hand over your pin."

"I didn't say baby, did I?"

Maura laughed. "Now you really need to give me your pin."

"This is why I never go to parties where they don't serve alcohol," he said, handing over the pin and wandering off towards the cake.

"Hey Maura," said Lydia, wrapping her arms around Maura's shoulders before she could react. She patted her back out of convention and pulled away quickly. "I'm so glad TJ will have another boy to play with."

Maura nodded. "Social interaction is very important for development, I take it you've been socialising Tommy Junior before now."

"'Course we have," said Tommy. "I think what Lydia means is that TJ and your little one could be friends."

"Oh, right," said Maura, smiling. "That sounds like an excellent idea."

"We have another game," Jane announced, holding out a blindfold and motioning for Maura to come in her direction. She smiled apologetically at Tommy and Lydia and took a few tentative steps towards her and sat down in a chair. "As soon as the blindfold is on you have to guess the item in your hands. They're all baby related."

"Oh this should be easy," said Maura, pulling the blindfold down over her eyes and holding out her hand.

She could feel the small crowd watching over her as she guessed various items; bottle, diaper, teething ring.

"This game is too easy for you, Maura," said Angela, at least Maura was sure it was Angela.

When a rectangular piece of plastic landed in her hands, she was puzzled. She ran her hand across the smooth back, and across long bristles.

"It feels like a brush," she said, her brow furrowed. "But it's too big."

The rubbery bristles were soft, too soft for it to be anything brush related. Maura tried to visualise the baby catalogue she had at the house but she couldn't place the item. The group began to chatter amongst themselves.

"I give up," she said, disliking the increase in conversation when she couldn't see what was going on. Jane pulled her blindfold away. In her hands was what looked like a tray with long, green, rubbery bristles. "What is this?"

"It's a drying rack," said Jane, with a smirk. "For bottles and stuff."

"How is this a drying rack?" Maura asked, confused. She turned it over in her hands and tried to imagine its purpose. All she could see was the items she'd already purchased for sterilising bottles and the drying rack she used for items that couldn't be put in the dishwasher. "Can't I use a regular drying rack?"

"Says the woman who owns an asparagus peeler," said Jane.

The game ended and the group dispersed around the room. Maura got herself another drink and went to look at the artwork people had created on the baby grows. Without asking, she tried to guess who created which one. Before she could come to any conclusions, Jane clinked a knife against her glass and alerted the room's attention. Maura sat down, her feet were aching.

"Can I get everyone's attention," Jane said. "Thank you all for coming today to celebrate Maura's son. I'm sure you're all with me in wishing her lots of luck. I met Maura some years ago and since then we've kind of stuck together. Except for the time I jumped off a bridge, and even then she didn't go anywhere like some people would. Maura, I know that you're going to make an amazing mother. You're already an amazing person - if a little weird."

The room cracked up laughing. Maura glanced around at her friends, at her other family, and she knew how blessed she was to have so many important people around her.

"But you make life more interesting," Jane continued. "I don't know what I'd have done without you over the last couple years. You make work more fun, you make my life brighter and I know you're going to give your kid the best start. I feel honoured that you've allowed me to be a part of his life already and I can't wait to see you with him when he's born. I love you, Maura. To Maura."

Jane raised her glass and the rest of the room followed. A brief silence fell over them all. She could feel all eyes on her, Maura tried to smile but her emotions overwhelmed her and tears began to fall. She wiped at her eyes and stood up.

"I'm sorry," she said, brushing the tears away. "I _am_ pregnant."

She wrapped her arms around Jane, kissing her on the cheek before hugging her again.

"I love you too," said Maura. Then she took a step back and addressed the room. "Thank you all, so much, for coming. Thank you."


	9. Chapter 9: Jane

**Author Notes: Thank you so much to everyone who has commented, you guys are just amazing. Things are probably going to speed up a little more from here. The problem with writing pregnancy is the storyline is spread across so many months, rather than days and weeks. I hope it'll be a little closer in time over the coming chapters.**

**To everyone who has asked if this story will be a Jane/Maura story, well, you'll have to keep reading. ;)**

* * *

"What are we doing, Maura?" Jane asked, kicking up a small plume of dust as they walked along a track away from the road. They'd driven just out of the city, a journey which Maura told her nothing about. She was tired, hungry, and as a result, a little grumpy.

"I'll tell you when we get there," said Maura, struggling to lift her leg over a fallen tree. She stopped momentarily and took a slow, deep breath.

"You're too pregnant for this," Jane said, reaching out and helping her step over. She followed close behind. More worried about Maura than the impromptu visit to the middle of a reservation.

"Okay, we're here," said Maura.

She stepping out of the other side of the woodland and into a large, open space. Jane stopped at her side and stared out across the skyline. With the city in the distance and wooded trails surrounding them, Jane took a moment to bask in the glorious day. In all of the year's she'd lived in Boston she'd never stood on that specific spot. Every camping trip, every hike, and this was the first time she'd seen the city from this view.

"Wow," she whispered, lifting a hand to her eyes to block out the sun. She lowered it again, turning to Maura. "You brought me out here to look at a view when you're about to pop?"

Maura shook her head and slipped the bag she'd insisted on carrying off her back. "I thought we could do something to remember your baby by."

A lump settled in the back of Jane's throat. Her hands shook. Every time she thought she'd moved past her grief, it flooded back. She took a deep breath in, then out as Maura unpacked the bag.

"I spoke to a memorial forest and the man I spoke to was rather rude, when I remembered this spot I thought it would be the perfect place to add another tree. There won't be a plaque but it's far enough away from the every day world that it should be protected."

Jane tilted her head to one side, her shoulders sunk, and tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She swallowed the lump and allowed a couple of tears to take their preferred path down her cheeks. They brushed away under her fingers. The peace of the day settled her further and she reached out to Maura's hand, interlinking their fingers for comfort.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"I'll dig the hole and you can plant the sapling."

Before Jane could say anything, Maura held up the trowel and went to dig a hole on the edge of the woodland. The temptation to stop her didn't win over the desire to watch Maura struggle to get anywhere near the ground. Her enlarged abdomen was just too large.

"Don't be ridiculous, Maura," said Jane, snatching the trowel from her hands and quickly digging a hole.

"I would have done it."

"We don't have til next year, Maura, you're too pregnant."

"How can someone be _too_ pregnant?"

"Very easily," Jane said, motioning to Maura's bump.

Once the hole was large enough, Maura retrieved the carefully packaged small sapling from the bag and handed it over. It was larger than Jane expected, which made her think it was probably heavier too. She frowned at Maura, but refrained from commenting. The action was seeped in generosity, and the exertion in making it happen even more so. After covering the tree's roots, Jane stood back and looked at the tree. It looked a little limp, like it probably wouldn't make it through a storm, but it almost didn't matter. She didn't know if she'd ever come back to visit. The act of planting the tree was enough.

"Aren't you going to say a few words?" Maura asked when Jane started to clear up.

"I don't know what to say," she said, staring at the floor.

"Can I?"

Jane scuffed the ground with her shoes. She didn't want to appear rude, or ungrateful, but she didn't know how to thank her either. "Do what you want, Maur."

"When we lose someone that matters to us," she began, spreading her palms across her body. "We can feel a great sadness that I don't think ever goes away. It's no different whether it's an elderly relative or an unborn child. The only thing that's different is how greatly we feel it. I've never lost a child, so I can't even begin to understand this. But I do know what it's like to love one, to want to protect him or her from the world when they're still in the protection of the womb. I know how hard this has been."

Tears filled her eyes again, Jane let her hands fall down at her sides, her shoulders sunk. A heavy weight shifted from her shoulders until she felt a sense of relief. Maura's fingers connected with Jane's and tears slid down her cheeks. She swiped them away with her other hand.

"I know how much Jane loved you before you even came to be, and I know how greatly she feels your absence. We plant this tree for you, a life for a life. A new tree can grow in place of a child we don't get to see grow up. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."

The tense, sad atmosphere they'd created broke apart when Jane let out a laugh. She covered her mouth quickly and attempted to stem the noise but it was too hard.

"Why are you laughing?" Maura asked.

"Ashes to ashes?" Jane shook her head. "Really, Maura?"

"It's what is said at funerals."

"When they're burying a body."

"So are we, metaphorically," said Maura. She closed her eyes and bent forwards. "Ow."

"Maur?" Jane asked, resting a hand on her shoulder. An overwhelming sense of panic hit her.

"I'm okay," Maura said, taking a methodical breath. Her facial expressions eased, though Jane's anxiety stayed the same.

"You don't look okay."

"I am," said Maura, rubbing her bump with both hands. "It's normal."

"Doesn't look normal."

"Well, it is. Most women have some sort of contractions before labour, along with swollen ankles and breathlessness."

"Before labour, or during labour?"

"Both."

"So, which is it?"

"This is not labour," said Maura, struggling to pick the trowel up from the ground. She squatted down and reached for it again, successfully lifting it up. Jane rushed to her side and helped her back to her feet. "You don't need to fuss."

"You're heavily pregnant and you were told to rest, not go around digging holes in the ground," said Jane. "You are going to stop pushing yourself and we are going to go back to the city before you give birth out in the woods."

"It's how women have been giving birth for centuries," Maura said, but Jane wasn't convinced.

"Why give birth against a tree when you can do it in a hospital?"

"I'm not in labour," she repeated.

Once the few items they'd brought were packed back into the bag, Jane slipped it over a shoulder and guided Maura back along the trail. The sun had disappeared behind an angry cloud; the thick, dark loom of rain.

"Ahh," Maura shouted, resting a hand against a tree. She breathed slowly, moderating her breathing as she placed her other hand on her bump.

"This isn't normal," said Jane, rubbing her back until the pain subsided. "We need to get back to the car before you give birth in the rain."

"I told you, I'm not," Maura said, but Jane cut her off.

"Whether you are or not, we are leaving, now."

Quickening her pace was practically impossible with Maura by her side. The desire to leave was only stemmed by her desire to stay with Maura until they were both safely in a vehicle that could take them to the nearest hospital. When they saw the road Jane rushed ahead to open the doors and helped Maura into the passenger seat. The moment she'd climbed into the driver's side, a loud crack of thunder sounded overhead before a continuous pouring of rain fell onto the car.

Jane started the engine and sped off towards the city. She ignored the speed signs, utilising her police training to get them back to the city. She wracked her brain for the nearest hospital and only stopped driving when they got there.

"No, Jane," said Maura when she opened her door. "I'm not in labour."

"You have high blood pressure, Maura, the doctor said you're more at risk of further complications. I'm not taking any risks. I love you too much to let you call the shots. Now get out of the car and get in the hospital."

Rolling her eyes, Maura slipped out of the car at Jane's request. If she wasn't at least twenty-five pounds heavier, Jane would have lifted Maura into her arms again and carried her there herself.

In the waiting area, they provided Maura with a wheelchair. Jane sat impatiently beside her, tapping her foot as they waited for someone to come. After half an hour, Jane stood up and approached the nearest medical professional, a young woman in scrubs.

"You do realise she's only thirty-four weeks, don't you?" Jane asked.

She opened her mouth to say something else when Maura screamed behind her.

"Maur!" She turned around.

"I, I think," Maura said, her voice smaller. "I think my water's just broke."

"Now will you do something?" Jane asked, turning back to the woman.

They admitted her immediately, wheeling Maura off to a delivery room whilst Jane phoned her mother. When she entered the room, Maura was lay on a bed, her face contorted with the pain of being in the middle of a contraction. Jane rushed to her side and wrapped both hands around Maura's.

Several hours later, Jane had barely moved from Maura's side. She still clung to her hand, a comfort for herself, as well as an offering of comfort to Maura. The contractions were getting closer together but they still weren't close enough for birth.

"Does it usually take this long?" Jane asked, rubbing her eyes. The sun was starting to set, the world outside the window disappeared into the darkness.

"Longer," said Maura, rubbing the side of her bump. She closed her eyes, then when a contraction gripped hold of her, Maura sat forwards a little. She squeezed her eyes together as she crushed Jane's fingers and panted her way through the pain.

"I'm gonna need to give my hand a break soon," said Jane, taking it back once Maura's fingers loosened. "If I knew I'd lose them, I wouldn't have agreed to be your birthing partner."

Maura tried to smile. She looked exhausted. If Jane could have traded places with her, she would have done. Jane had been through enough physical pain in her career as a detective that she knew she'd be able to handle it. Watching Maura struggle with each contraction left her helpless.

"How are we doing in here?" one of the nurses asked, stepping into the room.

"I don't feel well," said Maura. Jane frowned. She hadn't said anything before. "My head is pounding."

"How long has this been going on for?" the nurse asked, feeling her forehead and checking the blood pressure monitor.

"Not long," said Maura, closing her eyes.

"You've had high blood pressure throughout the pregnancy?" she asked, checking Maura's notes.

"For most of it," Jane said, staring at the woman. "Why? What's wrong?"

"Have we tested a urine sample?"

Maura nodded. "I think Doctor Brady."

"I'll be right back," the nurse said, disappearing out of the room.

Jane held tightly to Maura's hand again. She rested her other hand on her bump and rubbed it slowly. "You sure this is normal?"

"I don't," Maura whispered, squeezing her eyes together tightly. "I think the baby's coming."

"Well, duh," said Jane. "You're in labour."

"No," said Maura, panting. "I need to push."

Jane stood up and rushed to the doorway, she shouted for help and when a couple of people rushed towards her, she returned to hold Maura's hand.

"Okay, Maura," the midwife said, placing a hand on each of her legs. "It looks like baby wants to come out. As soon as you're ready for it, I need you to give us a really big push."

The moment Maura started to push, Jane could feel the pressure as she wrapped her fingers tightly around Jane's hand. She stood beside her, stroking her hair back from her face as sweat gathered on her forehead. Maura let out a long, guttural scream as her whole body tensed up. If she didn't know it was childbirth, Jane would probably have been petrified that she was about to die.

"Come on Maur," she said, running her hand across Maura's cheek.

"As soon as you're ready you need to push again," the man said. "I can already see the head. Your baby is ready to come and meet us."

Another contraction brought another crushing of the bones in her hand, Jane whispered things to Maura, hoping it would comfort her as she pressed on through the most painful thing a woman could do. After a couple more contractions, the baby started crying as he slipped out and into the midwife's arms. Jane turned to the sound of the baby crying, a huge smile spread across her face. An overwhelming feeling of love filled her, something that she couldn't quite explain, but she'd never felt before. When Jane turned back to Maura, she dropped her hand and her heart started to race.

Maura's eyes rolled back in their sockets, her arms tensed at her sides as she convulsed violently.

* * *

**Author Notes: So, thanks for reading. That's the end of the story. Just kidding. Any medical mistakes are my own, Google can only do so much when you have never experienced certain things. Any and all comments, etc. are appreciated.**


	10. Chapter 10: Jane

**Author Note: Sooo...here's some more. Thanks for all of the lovely comments, even if you don't entirely like cliffhangers, etc. All medical mistakes will still be my own, but I hope I'm brief enough for it to leave the reality up to your imagination if you do know about these things. I am nearly at a chapter I've been waiting for for weeks - yay. That's the problem with writing some scenes before you're anywhere near the chapter.**

* * *

The room moved into action. Jane stood beside the bed, her eyes on Maura as she continued to convulse. When the baby stopped crying, she turned back to find a woman carrying him away. Her heart was torn between him and his mother. Her heart sped inside her chest as a doctor pushed her gently out of the way.

"Let's start her on four grams of magnesium sulphate and an IV," he said, holding Maura's head steady. When her body stopped moving, he slipping an oxygen mask around her face.

The nurse from earlier entered the room with a file, her eyes widened. "Her urine sample shows high levels of protein, there's been a back log. I hoped I'd be in time."

Each word passed between them like they were passing through dense cloud and drifted off into an unknown world on the other side.

"Someone get her out of here," the doctor said, motioning to Jane.

The nurse's hands on her upper arms woke her from her trance-like state. Reality flooded her brain and she couldn't pretend that she was dreaming any longer. She allowed the woman to push her out into the corridor.

"Please," she whispered. "Don't let her die."

"We're doing everything we can," said the nurse, before disappearing back through the doors. Jane strained to get a glimpse of Maura but there were too many people around the bed.

Fifteen minutes slipped past before the doors opened again. The gurney on which Maura lay, an oxygen mask over her mouth and several people scattered around, moved through the doors and across the corridor towards the elevator.

"What's going on?" Jane asked, grabbing hold of a woman's arm. "Where are you taking her?"

"We need to remove the placenta," the woman explained briefly before disappearing into the elevator with Maura.

A lump had settled in the back of Jane's throat and though she could feel the discomfort, a couple of tears still forced their way down her face. She caught them at the jawline and found another member of staff. If she couldn't see Maura, she had to do something.

"Can you tell me where you took my friend's son?" she asked. She placed her hands on her hips to steady them.

"He'll be in the NICU," the woman replied.

"Where's that?"

She pointed in the direction of a signpost on the wall and Jane followed it along the corridor until she found the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. At the door she froze, her hand on the door. What if Maura died? What if her son died? What if in a moment she'd lost not one person she cared about, but two?

The door opened in front of her and a young doctor stared with questions in his eyes. Jane was certain he spoke a couple of times before she finally heard what he said. "Hello, can I help you?"

"I'm looking for a baby that just came up here," she whispered, swallowing the lump in her throat and attempting not to cry. "He was just born."

"Are you a relative?"

"I'm," she froze. She didn't really know what she was. Maura's friend. The baby's…by law she was nobody. "I'm his aunt. His mother's sick, I think. I don't want him to be alone."

"Follow me," he said, pushing the door open and leading the way through to an incubator at the far end of a large room.

The small body of the little boy that Maura had just given birth to lay inside. A tube that looked way too big was fixed into his mouth, along with other monitoring devices scattering his body. Jane stepped closer and placed her hand on the outside of the incubator. Her heart ached. Maura's son was beautiful. He was small, he was covered in wires, but he was completely beautiful.

"What's wrong with him?"

"Very little at the moment," the man said. "The notes said he was close to thirty-five weeks, he's doing well. We're helping to steady his breathing."

"At the moment? You said at the moment."

"It's still very early. Babies born this prematurely can have problems with their blood pressure and blood sugar, and he's more susceptible to infection."

"But he's going to be okay?" she asked, allowing the tears that had been building to make their way down her cheeks.

"His chances are very good. You can stay with him, if you'd like."

Jane nodded. "Thank you."

She sat beside him throughout the night. Doctors and nurses visited at various times to note down readings, check on him, and attempt to feed him. Jane watched from the sidelines, amazed at the resilience of the little boy new to the world and more alone than he deserved.

"You can hold him, if you'd like," the young doctor from earlier said when he returned a little later.

"Really?" she asked, then shook her head. "No, he's not mine. Maura should be the one to hold him."

He smiled sympathetically, an expression that Jane wanted to slap him for. She'd used it herself, of course, but that made it no easier to receive. He didn't know, it wasn't his fault, he probably thought he was doing a nice thing by being friendly to her.

"Can you find out how she is?" Jane asked.

"Of course, I'll be back as soon as possible."

The wait for his return left Jane feeling more fraught. Watching over the baby had taken her mind off Maura, if only briefly, but knowing she was about to receive news left her in a state. Her phone buzzed in her pocket. The night was over and the morning was already starting. A message from her mother was in her inbox.

'Where are you? I'm in the delivery suite.'

Jane pushed the door open and marched back towards the delivery suite. She didn't know if Maura was back there or if she'd gone elsewhere. What she did know was that her mother had no right turning up at the hospital without contacting her.

"Ma, what are you doing?" she asked, rolling her eyes at the overly large bear in her arms.

"I brought the baby a present, if he here yet?" Angela asked.

"You should have called."

"I did, six times," she replied. Jane checked her phone. Six missed calls. "So, where are they? Can I see them?"

A sudden chill travelled down Jane's spine, her mouth grew moist and her shoulders began to shake. She couldn't do this again. First her unborn child, now Maura and her son.

"I can't lose her, Ma," she said, lowering into a plastic seat in the corridor and sobbing into her hands.

Angela sat down beside her, placing the bear on the floor. She wrapped an arm around Jane's shoulder and rubbed her back.

"What's happened?"

"He's really tiny," Jane said, trying to visualise the baby in as much detail as she could. "He's got all these tubes and monitors on him."

"He's a little early, it's perfectly normal," Angela replied, brushing Jane's hair back from her face. Her tears were red and blotchy. "Your brothers both spent a couple of days in NICU when they were born. Franky scared the life out of us, when Tommy came along I wasn't so scared."

"They were early?"

"I've told you all the story so many times," said Angela, patting Jane's knee. "Franky showed up on a trip to the grocery store. They say the more pregnancies you have the quicker they are. Tommy came out before your dad could get me into the car. Had him right in the front yard."

"What's the point, Ma?"

"The point is, that little guy will be just fine. You mark my words."

"But Maura," Jane said, the very thought made her heart ache.

"What happened?"

"I don't know, she had a seizure."

The doctor who ordered her out of the room earlier wandered over. Jane's heart dropped. She braced herself for the very worst news.

"Maura is stable."

Jane wrapped her arms around her front and let out a gasp, she tried to breath but relief had grasped her body so hard and wasn't about to let go anytime soon. She swallowed and managed to breathe again.

"What happened?"

"She had an eclamptic fit," he explained. "It can happen in women her age, it's more common with first pregnancies. She'd been suffering from pre-eclampsia, undiagnosed. Unfortunately it came on too late for us to do anything about it, due to delays."

"Is she going to be okay?" Angela asked, covering her mouth with her hand.

"We're keeping her under close observation, there can be residual issues with eclampsia, but we're doing everything we can to ensure that Maura makes a full recovery. Delivering the baby before she had the seizure will have helped up her chances."

A couple of hours later Jane sat at Maura's bedside, holding her hand tightly in her own. She wondered if how she felt was how Maura felt sitting beside her own after she was shot, both times.

"Jane?"

Maura's voice was small, distant, but it was enough to make Jane smile as though she'd won the jackpot. She lifted Maura's hand up to below her chin and kissed her fingers.

"I am so glad to hear your voice," she said, staring up. A couple of tears escaped her eyelids. "You scared me."

"Everything's a blur," Maura said.

"You have a son," Jane said, unable to stop her mouth from opening into the largest smile. When she thought of that little boy, it made her feel ridiculously happy. "He's small but he's fighting hard."

"I do?" Maura asked, her face lit up. She glanced around the room, her eyebrows furrowing. "Where is he?"

"He's in the NICU," said Jane, stroking the back of Maura's palm. "He's doing okay. I've been to see him and he is beautiful."

"He is?"

"Definitely. He kinda looks like you."

In a split second Maura's gleeful expression broke into tears and each breath seemed a little harder for her to take.

"Calm down, Maur." Jane placed her hand back down on the bed. "I don't think it's good for you to get upset."

"I missed it," she whispered, her voice laced with tears.

Jane shook her head. "You didn't miss anything."

"He's here and I missed it."

"He's not going anywhere, Maura." She didn't know how else to comfort her. The reality was she had missed it. The very first moment's of her sons life were gone and Maura wouldn't ever get them back. She just had to remain positive. "You're going to be here for every minute from now."

"Can I see him?"

"We'll ask," Jane said. "Right now you need to rest."

"So do you, what time is it?"

"After eight."

"Is that all?"

"In the morning, Maura."

"You've been here all night?" she asked, wiping her eyes on the edge of her hospital gown.

"Of course I have." The very idea that she might was a no brainer. "I couldn't leave you. I couldn't leave him."

"You look exhausted," Maura said, covering Jane's hand with her own.

"Is that your way of saying I look like crap?"

"It's no worse than I probably look," said Maura. "

"You're looking better than you were earlier."

"I don't remember it. What happened?"

"You put everything you had into pushing the baby out, and then." Jane paused. Reliving the moment, no matter how briefly, reminded her too much of what she could have lost. "You had a seizure."

"Eclampsia."

"That's what the doctor called it."

"My head was hurting," she whispered, closing her eyes.

"Is it hurting now?" Jane asked, standing up.

"No, I'm trying to remember," Maura said, rubbing her eyes. "My head was hurting, then there was crying, and then, I don't know."

"It doesn't matter, you don't need to know. All that matters is that you and your son are okay. And you _are_."

"I'm tired," said Maura, retrieving her hand to wipe a couple more stray tears away. "You should go home and sleep."

"I'm not leaving you on your own, Maura."

"You're not. I'll be asleep. Come back when you've had a rest."

"Okay. But promise me that if you need me, you'll ask them to call."

"I promise."

Jane stood up beside Maura. The last twenty-four hours had been a roller coaster of emotions, her heart swelled and broke in turn and she felt as emotionally exhausted as she did physically. Being reminded of her exhaustion only made her feel more so. She pushed Maura's bangs back and brushed her forehead with her lips.

"Remember that I love you."

"Thank you, Jane," Maura said, clinging to her hand a moment longer and nodding, before Jane walked out of the room.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author Note: This isn't a chapter.**

I was hoping to get this chapter put up but it's all just ended up a big old mess. I wrote a chapter today and somehow forgot the second half of the last chapter, making the new chapter involve some sort of time travel because time had been reset to a little earlier. I didn't notice until I'd posted the chapter and had a couple of people comment on it. (Thank you for pointing out the confusion, it really helped me realise the ridiculous mess I'd created.)

When I deleted the chapter I was keen to do a quick rewrite to get things back on track. That quick rewrite just didn't happen. I can't do it. It's a big mess and I need more time.

Since an email will have gone out telling people there's a new chapter, I didn't just want to leave a broken link and no answer to why it was so. I heard that re-uploading a chapter doesn't resend an email, also, so I guess chapter 11 is doomed to be either unread by many, or this.

I am going to do everything I can to get the chapter completed tomorrow so that I can finally give you another chapter. I'm gutted I couldn't use the chapter I had written because I really enjoyed writing it.

Thank you for all your support in writing this story and an apology to anyone who was waiting for me to rewrite/upload.


	12. Chapter 12: Maura

**Author Note: So I managed to salvage the chapter I had to pull. A few amendments made it workable. Any mistakes are my own, partly because I made the amendments on my phone on the bus and am posting that way too. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

* * *

The curve of Maura's abdomen had shrunk at some point. She didn't know when. She couldn't remember what day it was, or much of what had happened before that moment. All she knew was that her baby was supposed to be inside her, but she couldn't feel his movement. The only thing she felt was the after effects of having given birth, at least that's what she thought she could feel. What happened to the baby was a mystery she couldn't find the words to question. She couldn't find many words. Whether temporary or permanent; the thought of being without words created a surge of panic.

"It's okay," a voice said beside her. Maura glanced at the person, at the familiar face of her best friend. She knew exactly who she was but the connection between knowing and saying didn't appear to be working. "You had another seizure."

Another seizure.

Neither word made much sense. Her brain felt like it was full of cotton candy. Panic overwhelmed her and she moved her arms out to her friend's shirt. She clutched the material with both hands. Her grip was strong, which she hoped was a good sign. She opened her eyes as wide as she could and stared deep into the other woman's. A painful lump settled in the back of her throat momentarily until she let go of the fabric and tossed herself back against the bed. A guttural sound came out of nowhere. Tears escaped one after the other until they flowed down her face like a river forging its way through a rocky valley.

"What's happening?" the woman asked when a doctor jogged into the room. Maura's face contorted. She didn't know who the doctor was, or whether she was even a doctor, just assumed that this person was there to help her.

"Jane," Maura shouted, not sure where the name came from but it felt good to say it. Jane's fingers clung to Maura's hand, her eyes searching her own for something. The connection they made settled her, or maybe it was whatever the doctor had injected into the central line in her arm. Maura felt a sense of calm, made even more comforting by Jane's hand tucked around hers. The tears building up in Jane's eyes unnerved her. They'd been there before. Maura had been the one sitting at her bedside. She'd had to tell her best friend that her baby hadn't made it.

She searched her eyes for confirmation, for anything that would tell her what had happened to her son. A familiarity lingered in the air, like she'd asked the question before. Her eyes danced back and forth between Jane's, not stopping until Jane cupped her face.

"He's doing okay," she said, smiling through the glistening of her teary eyes. Maura could feel her lips curve involuntarily. She had questions. They hovered on the edge of her thoughts but like most words she couldn't find the ones she needed. She must have looked like she was about to panic again because Jane stroked the side of her face. "It's okay, Maura. You're going to be okay."

Fighting her brain for words told her that Jane didn't really believe that. She couldn't. How was she going to be okay when she was usually so verbose? Now she couldn't even find the basic words needed to ask for help. She didn't need words to understand the expression on Jane's face. Fear. She'd seen it in the hospital before she'd told her the baby had died. She saw it when she couldn't solve a case. She saw it sometimes when Jane looked at her. The limit to her social skills probably contributed to her inability to understand what that meant. Maura doubted that Jane even realised she did it.

She closed her eyes. Whatever they gave her was probably kicking in. She felt a calming effect she desperately wanted to grasp hold of. Yet she fought against it, in need to know more of what was happening with her son. She could hear Jane talking, but her words faded off into the distance. Knowing that Jane's hand was there, touching hers, keeping her safe, helped. If she had to drift off, at least Jane was at her side.

When she woke again, Jane was gone. Her heart flipped, speeding along like a train running through the countryside. A nurse stood over her checking the machines and noting down numbers in a file. Maura's medical training made it impossible not to want to know what the file said. Were the doctors and nurses doing checks regularly enough? Were they even competent? Trusting people she didn't know to look after her was a challenge she didn't want. At least when Jane was in the hospital she could oversee her care. Now she couldn't even speak, let alone check her own charts. She had no chance of finding out about the care of her son.

"Alone," she shouted at the nurse. The woman jumped, as though she hadn't expected her to speak. If she'd asked what she meant Maura wasn't sure she'd have known the answer.

"I'm nearly done," the nurse said, a warm smile spread across her face. "Then I'll leave you to rest."

Though she couldn't think what she meant, she knew it wasn't that. The very thought of being left alone made her feel worse. She wanted Jane. She wanted her son. She wanted anyone, as long as they were familiar to her. How could she spend another second in that hospital bed not knowing what was happening?

As she was leaving another doctor came in asking her question after question. He shone a light in her eyes and asked her more questions. She opened her mouth to answer them but before she could even attempt to speak she'd forgotten what he'd said.

In a sense of panic, Maura pushed the doctor's hands away from her. The doctor gripped her arm quite roughly. Maura felt her heart racing, the sound thrummed in her ears. Had she had some sort of breakdown? The lack of answers only sought to panic her further. She screamed, the only way she knew to communicate..

"What are you doing?"

The doctor stopped at the sound of the voice in the distance. Maura's face softened, her need for a familiar face broke the desire for more information on her care.

"Jane," she whispered. Hoping that more words would follow. When they didn't she screamed again, a frustrated grunt that neither got her what she wanted nor made her feel any better.

"What are you doing?" Jane asked the doctor again.

"She hit out," he replied. "She panicked when I tried to restrain her. I had to assets the damage."

"What damage?"

He ignored her question and pressed the assistance button. Maura could hear everything being said, she could hear individual words, but the overall conversation was like watching a movie in a language she didn't know without subtitles. "She needs a CT."

"Did you tell her that?" He shook his head. "You know she isn't talking, that's why you're in here 'assessing' her. She's a doctor for God's sake. She must be petrified not knowing what the hell you're doing to her."

"I am the doctor," he said. "I am trying to help your friend. Now you can stand there making judgements or you can leave."

"You incompetent jackass," Jane said. "I'll have your licence."

"How about you wait until your friend has had her scan before you call the chief?"

"Her name is Maura!"

The bed moved. Maura glanced around in search of Jane's eyes. All she could see was the blur of things travelling past. Then the crammed space of the scanner. When she returned to the room a while later, Jane perched on the edge of the bed and brushed hair back from Maura's face. She settled back against her pillow.

"Alone," she whispered.

"I'm sorry," Jane said. "I tried to follow but that doctor wouldn't let me. I'm going to request you be transferred to someone else."

She shook her head and looked towards the door. "Alone."

"Ma's with him."

She smiled. For the first time in however long, Maura felt like she'd actually been able to have a conversation with someone. Jane could see it too. They smiled at each other until Maura reached for Jane's hand. She held it in her lap, a memento she desperately wanted to keep. Inevitably Jane would take it away and Maura would have to deal with the doctors and nurses alone.

"I," she tried, her voice trailed off into nowhere. She tried again but her mouth would not form the shape she needed it to. She had no diagnosis because she still had a gap in her memory. She suspected she'd never recover those moments.

"You don't need to say anything," Jane said, but she obviously didn't understand what it felt like to be without words.

Maura let go of Jane's hand and hit the bed with both fists clenched at her sides. When Jane merely looked sympathetic, Maura smashed her hands down again. And again. Both together, then one at a time.

"Help," she gasped. One small word that took such a great effort to say. Tears welled up in her eyes and they trailed their way down her face.

"I don't know how to help you," Jane said, sympathy never leaving her face.

For the briefest moment Maura hated Jane. She knew the feeling was misplaced but her anger was boiling over and she couldn't handle it

"What do you want?" Jane asked, sensing the frustration. Maura looked down at her lap. "Do you need the bathroom? I think they put a catheter in."

Maura shook her head and placed her hands across her abdomen. She moved them across her head and pointed to her mouth.

"I'm sorry," Jane said, lowering her gaze. "I don't understand what you need."

Her shoulders hunched over and Maura could feel herself losing control of her emotions. She sobbed loudly, her tears mixed with saliva and mucus. Every ounce of dignity she thought she had dissipated as her face became more of a sight. When Jane's arms slipped around her, she let go, giving in completely. She was vaguely aware of the mess she was creating on Jane's shoulder, but she didn't have the energy to care.

After a while she settled down. Jane had climbed into the bed to hold her. She wanted desperately to thank her but the words, once again, would not form.

"Jane," she whispered, and waited until she turned to face her. Then she lifted both hands into a heart shape and pointed at Jane. Without saying a word, Jane copied her actions and wiped the remaining tears from her face.

The next time Maura woke up Jane was sat at the foot of her bed with what Maura could only describe as a ridiculous smile on her face. Maura smiled in return. She opened her mouth to speak before she remembered she wouldn't get very far.

"I," she said, and hoped it would suffice as a greeting.

"Hello," Jane replied and handed over a parcel.

Maura formed a w with her mouth in the hope of asking what it was, but like all other words before, she gave up before she got any further.

"You'll have to open it and see," said Jane.

She ripped the paper open and held up a packet of pens and a small board. Her brow furrowed, she couldn't remember what was in front of her. Eventually the word whiteboard came to mind and she smiled again. She pulled the cardboard off the back of the pens and took out a blue one. Then she scribbled as best as she could on the board .

"'What happened?'" Jane read. "What happened when?"

Maura rolled her eyes and wrote below 'when I gave birth?' then she paused before adding 'how did I give birth?'

"You don't remember?" Maura shook her head. "You had a seizure right after you had the baby, you had him naturally. You were okay, but then you had another seizure."

She quickly rubbed out her words and wrote a few more.

"Yes, the doctor called it eclampsia," Jane said. The very idea of that word coming to mind much faster than whiteboard or even Jane's name was laughable. "What's so funny?"

'Doesn't matter,' she wrote. 'How is the baby?'

Jane's face lit up in a way Maura had never seen it do so before. She felt a surge of disappointment and sorrow that she couldn't experience what Jane was already feeling for her son.

"He is beautiful, Maura. He's going to be monitored closely over the next few days but he's strong. He may be early but they think he's going to be just fine. His temperature is causing them some concerns, but otherwise he's stable."

'I need to see him,' she wrote, underlining the word need three times.

"I'll try to find out when that can happen, would you like to see a picture?" Maura nodded and waited in anticipation when Jane flicked through her cell phone. When she held the phone out, Maura took it out of Jane's hands and stared at her baby.

Tears filled her eyes. She searched her heart for some ounce of familiarity with the little boy on the photograph, but there was none. For all she knew he could be someone else's child. She looked again, and though there was a slight resemblance to her familial line, the physical connection she expected to find was not there.

"You okay, Maur?"

Tears welled up in her eyes making it difficult to see. She attempted to write something, but with restricted vision and tears falling onto the board, she couldn't get it to make any sense. She clutched the phone in her hand. She stared at the baby hoping a second look would help but as she tried and failed to find the words, she threw it on the floor. Then she pushed the pens and whiteboard off the bed, too.

Jane stood up. "Maura!"

She closed her eyes and turned away from Jane, her chest rising and falling with each harried breath. She knew what she did was wrong, but she didn't feel guilty. She knew she should have apologised, but her heart ached too much. Instead she stayed silent, listening to Jane pick up her phone and close the door behind her.


	13. Chapter 13: Jane

**Author Note: Thank you so much for some really lovely comments about the last chapter. It's so hard to like your own writing sometimes, so when you recognise something I do like, well, that makes it all the more lovely. I wish I had three million hours in the day, so that I could just write and write and write. Writing on the journey to work makes work really difficult! Haha. I nearly didn't get this done tonight, trying to book flights to Los Angeles in June and the website isn't working! D: Anyway, thank you again everyone. Things should move along a little faster soon...**

* * *

"What are you doing here, Ma?" Jane asked on entering the NICU. She pulled up a chair beside her mother. The baby slept peacefully in his incubator.

"I thought I'd come and sit with him while you were with Maura," Angela said.

Jane sighed. "How did you know I was with Maura?"

"I asked."

"You had no right, Ma," said Jane, though she lacked conviction. She ran a hand through her hair and focused on her immediate breaths. The incident in Maura's room was one she didn't really want to relive, either by repetition or by talking about it. "I asked you to sit with him once. Not all the time."

"But he's gorgeous, Jane." Angela stood over the incubator and waved a couple of fingers at the baby. "And he's missing his mommy, aren't you?"

"Is this like the kangaroo thing you did?"

"I'm doing this for Maura." She sat back down and turned to Jane. "How is she?"

"No better."

"Did they tell you what's going on?"

"Haven't asked."

"Someone needs to."

"I know, Ma." She knew there was a long list of things she, or somebody, needed to do. She'd left a message for Constance in Tanzania, but everyone else was low on her priority list. Her sole priority was Maura and the baby, and given what had just happened, she didn't think there was any rush. After all, Maura might not appreciate if she called ever possible person on the list. "Just, not yet."

"You're scared."

"Of course I'm scared." She let out a heavy sight and brushed a couple of tears from the corners of her eyes. "She can't talk, Ma. She's a genius with a brilliant mind and she can't even speak. She threw my phone on the floor. That's not Maura."

"She threw your phone?"

"Smashed the screen." They sat in silence for a couple of minutes. Jane contemplated a future where Maura wasn't the Maura they all knew. A Maura who got angry and frustrated with basic tasks or things that didn't go her way. It was unthinkable. "I came to see the baby before I go home. I need a break."

Angela slid a strand of Jane's hair behind her ear and cupped her jaw. "You've been camped out here for two days, Janie. You look exhausted."

She stared into her lap. "Thanks, Ma."

"I'm worried about you." Jane breathed through the threat of tears. "I know you care about Maura but you shouldn't be putting all of this on you."

"Why not?" she asked, fixing her gaze on Angela's. "Who else is there?"

"That good for nothing Jack should be the one doing this," said Angela, patting Jane's knee. "Instead he's across country living the high life like nothing's happened."

She stayed silent. Whatever Angela thought about Jack, he wasn't there to hear it. She could handle it. Whatever happened, she was Jane Rizzoli and she could handle it. She wanted to handle it. The baby wasn't really hers, but Maura was, so by default he was as much a part of her as her best friend. They were her family.

"You didn't call him, did you?" Angela asked.

Jane shook her head. "It's not my place."

Whether it was her place or not, Jane didn't want to call him. He'd walked away leaving Maura and the baby. He didn't deserve them. Jane had been there for her throughout every painful moment of their breakup, of the pregnancy. She watched their son being born because Jack made the decision to be absent.

"Like hell it isn't," her mother said. "You've been caring for his family."

"They're not his family." They were _her_ family.

"He deserves to know what's going on."

"I'll talk to Maura, when I'm ready." Her mother was talking sense. She would have to do it eventually. But she didn't want to let go. If she handed over responsibility, maybe she'd lose it forever. She was already days away from sharing Maura with her mother. "I'm going home, you coming?"

"I was going to stay with the baby."

"Whatever."

The sun had set by the time Jane arrived at Maura's. Her initial plan was to go home and sleep but as she drove across the city she realised what little they'd taken with them to the hospital. Over the last couple of days Maura's belongings weren't important. Now she was struggling, it made perfect sense to get her some home comforts.

With a small case in hand, Jane stared at Maura's drawers. What did someone need who would likely spend a few more days in bed? Would she get dressed or stay in night wear? What night wear would she prefer - a night dress or pyjamas? If she didn't dress in ever day clothes, would she need underwear? How long would it take for her breasts to lose the inches they'd gained over her pregnancy? Could she manage with the bras she'd been wearing up until then? There were too many questions and no answers. Despite being a woman, she felt like a man from the 1950s going through his wife's underwear drawer.

She threw a bit of everything into the case. Maybe Maura wouldn't be able to use most of it but at least she'd covered all bases. She retrieved her toothbrush and toiletries from the bathroom, then put in Maura's night cream. A couple of spritz of room spray she kept in her bedroom made the case smell of vanilla. She hoped it would help. She doubted it would.

Before closing the case, Jane picked up Maura's bathrobe and held it up to her nose. It smelled so familiar, like freshly laundered clothes. She lowered herself onto the edge of the bed and basked in the familiar scent. She curled up, wrapping herself in the bed sheets that shared the same smell. She lay there, cocooned in Maura. Well, the closest she was going to get.

Something shifted in her mind. At some point over the course of Maura's pregnancy her feelings had changed. She couldn't pinpoint when. It almost didn't matter. All Jane knew was that when she told Maura she loved her, it meant something very different now. It came out of nowhere, and yet it had always been there. _Love_. A desire to be with her, to be a family. They'd been through so much together and this was Jane's reward. Or punishment. She closed her weary eyes. The day was nearly over and she hadn't had some rest in a long time. She stretched, then curled herself back up in Maura's bed, allowing herself to drift off to sleep.

Jane woke naturally just after five. Her whole body felt completely relaxed, as though she'd been drugged. She fumbled around the darkened room for a light. Despite the time Jane had slept for nearly eleven hours. The last few days had finally caught up with her. She considered the length of her break and what Maura would think about it. When she walked out of the hospital she wanted some space, but above all else she just wanted Maura to be okay. She had a shower and slipped into some of Maura's clothes then hurried back to the hospital.

"Hey," she said, slipping through the door to Maura's room with a cautious smile. Maura lay in the same spot she was in hours earlier when Jane left. Her eyes darted towards Jane but she couldn't judge her mood.

In the few steps Jane took towards the bed, Maura scribbled something on the whiteboard and pointed at it, her eyebrows like daggers.

"Why did you leave me for so long?" Jane read. She turned around and dropped the case by the door. She closed her eyes. Her heart thumped. Her eyes filled with tears. Every last waking minute Jane had spent over the past three days had been focused on Maura. Despite the long sleep, she didn't think she had the energy.

"Why?" Maura asked, though the tone did not belong to the Maura that Jane knew and loved. It was harsher somehow, like she'd lost the ability to be her friendly self.

She pressed her fingers to her eyes to stem the flow of tears and turned to face Maura. She plastered a smile across her face. If she had to pretend to be okay, then that was what she would do.

"Why?" Maura asked again, louder.

"I needed some time away," she said, moving around the side of the bed to sit down. The cheap plastic chairs were something she would not miss when Maura and the baby left the hospital.

"Why?"

Not once did Maura look friendly, or concerned. She looked angry. Her eyes were full of frustration. Jane sat at a distance, carefully watching Maura as she became more animated. She scribbled on the whiteboard again 'I was on my own', 'why didn't you tell me you were going?', 'where have you been?', scrubbing off each message before she started on the next.

It took every ounce of Jane's energy to sit there and watch her frantically questioning her. When she filled in the board again, Jane's knuckles ached from how tightly she clenched them.

'Don't you care?'

"Care?" she asked, standing up. She closed the gap between herself and the bed. "Don't I care? Of course I care Maura but you're making it hard. I needed a break. I've been here for three days. I've barely slept, I've barely eaten, I have given up my whole life to take care of you. Don't I care? Don't _you_ care?"

The second the final question fell from her lips, Jane wished she could retrieve it. But she couldn't. She'd let her anger get the better of her and instead of helping Maura, she was now hunched over with tears falling onto the bed sheets.

She perched on the edge of the bed. Jane reached a hand out to Maura's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. She rubbed her fingers across the back of her shoulder blade and down to the middle of her back. Maura rubbed the whiteboard clean and attempted to write 'sorry' but her tears made the attempt barely legible.

"No," said Jane, scooping her into her arms. "I'm the one who's sorry. I didn't want to get angry. I'm just so tired."

"Jane," Maura whispered, leaning back against the bed and out of Jane's arms. She cleared the mess off the board and carefully wrote out a couple of sentences.

"I'm sorry, I don't know how to do this," Jane read aloud. "I thought having a baby would be amazing. I'm scared I'll never be able to read to him, or teach him how to play chess. He's three days old and I've not even met him."

Jane shook her head and pulled Maura back into her arms. She held her there for as long as possible, resting her face against the crook of her neck, committing to memory every last second.

"I am here, Maura," Jane said, wrapping both hands around the back of Maura's neck and holding her steady. "You are so important to me and I'm not going anywhere. It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. You got that?"

Maura's tears continued to flow but for the first time in longer than Jane cared to admit, Maura was smiling. She kissed her on the cheek and wrapped herself around Maura again. If she could have it her way, she'd never let her go.


	14. Chapter 14: Maura

**Author Notes****: Thank you to everyone for the lovely comments, thoughts and general interest you've all shown. Whilst I don't always have the time to respond to comments, I do take them on board when someone has a great idea, or I've forgotten to consider something (like Maura's family, thanks Guest). You all make this worthwhile and much more enjoyable.**

* * *

"I'm worried about her, Doc."

"The brain is very sensitive to trauma," she explained, folding her arms. "It will take some time."

"She doesn't have time," Jane said. "Her son is waiting for her."

Her son. She had a son. It didn't feel real. Any of it. If anyone asked she would have insisted it was a dream: a nightmare. Maura lay in the hospital bed, her eyes closed, but very much awake. Whilst she wanted to know what was happening, she didn't. Being part of any conversation about her care made it real and she still wasn't ready to accept that this could be it for the rest of her life. Her medical training gave her a wonderful insight into other people's illnesses. But for her own, it was like a noose.

"I know it's difficult. I've seen a multitude of brain injuries and varied resolutions. It's just too early to know how she will recover."

The doctor was right. She refused to acknowledge him when he spoke directly to her, preferred to feign falling asleep, because she knew that everything he said was true. She might never recover full brain function. She'd been lucky that it only affected her speech. Though she was yet to get out of bed, she was able to move and that was a blessing she counted every day.

"I appreciate that, but this isn't just another brain injury. He's her first child and she's missing out on his life. I've touched him more times than her, and I've only held him once."

Knowing that someone had been there to look after her son made it all the easier. She trusted Jane with her life so it was a given that she trusted her with her son. All Maura had given her in return was abuse and a broken phone. When life returned to a state of normalcy, Maura promised herself that she would do something to make up for it.

"I know you're frustrated."

"Damn right, I'm frustrated. I'm also angry. Someone at this hospital failed her and she's paying the price."

"I've already explained the complaints procedure to you. You're well within your right to carry it forward. But I cannot enter into dialogue with you about that now. My priority is Maura's health. I'm sure you're with me on that."

Maura opened her eyes. It was the first she was hearing about any complaint. She couldn't remember much of what happened before her second seizure. Everything she knew came from other people filling in the gaps. Jane had failed to mention problems with her care.

"Thank you," Jane said and the doctor left the room. She lifted her gaze to Maura, and on seeing her awake, her face lit up. "Morning sleepyhead."

She opened her mouth, the words on the periphery; she didn't know what she wanted to say. Too many thoughts danced around Maura's brain and it exhausted her. She had questions again, but no way of actually vocalising them.

"The doctor says you're doing really well," she said. Maura doubted that. "She said your blood pressure is still elevated so you can't go to the NICU yet."

A lump caught in the back of her throat. Knowing she'd eventually see her son was one of the only things that kept her going. Sudoku kept her brain busy when she wasn't sleeping, and Jane and the thought of her baby kept her mentally stable. Most of the time.

'I need to see him,' she wrote, tapping the letters repeatedly until they smudged.

"They want to continue monitoring him this morning but he's doing brilliant, Maura," Jane said. Her heart swelled with something she hoped was love. "They took him out of the incubator yesterday and want to make sure he stays okay. If he makes it to three without any problems they're going to let him visit his Mama."

'Has anyone held him?' she wrote. Despite already knowing the answer.

"They let me hold him when he came out, I'm sorry," said Jane. The way her eyes lit up made Maura feel both ecstatic and devastated. Any time they talked about the baby Jane looked like a proud mother, the one thing Maura couldn't do. The first few days were so important.

'Don't be. I don't want him to miss out on brain development because I've not been there to hold him. Someone has to, and I want it to be you.'

"He's not going to miss out on anything," Jane said, wrapping both hands around Maura's. She stared down at her fingers and retrieved her hand. She took Jane's in return, turning it over so that she could find the scar on her palm.

Jane pulled her hand away and stared at the bed sheets. Maura scrawled across the whiteboard and pushed it under Jane's nose.

"'Thank you for being the bravest person I know,'" Jane read. "'Without you I don't know who would fight my corner, or look after my son.'"

A silence landed between them. There was something Jane wasn't saying, something that Maura could tell was important because she averted her gaze. She rubbed her previous words off the board and started again.

'What is it?'

"Jack," Jane said, looking up. "I've put off asking you because I don't think he deserves much, but should we tell him the baby's here?"

Maura contemplated her response. Her gut reaction failed her. She honestly didn't know what was best. Her son deserved a father, he deserved the loving family she wanted for him. But she couldn't ask Jack to walk away from his daughter, again, when he'd made it clear that he couldn't do that. Did she even know she was going to be a big sister? Maura had sent him a brief message informing him of the baby's health and that they were expecting a boy and received nothing in reply. Would he react the same knowing he had arrived?

'Not yet,' she wrote. At least if she delayed the decision she would have more time to consider the benefits.

"What about Hope? I know she's been absent for a while, I didn't just want to contact her and have you get mad at me."

'You can tell her. But I don't want her to come until I'm better.'

"Are you sure? I think she's the only person qualified enough to help."

'I'll contact her when I'm ready to see her. But she should know she's a grandmother, and Cailin an aunt.'

"I already contacted Constance, it took a while to get a response . She's in Tanzania with your dad, so only just got the message. She's going to be here soon."

'Good. Thank you, Jane.'

After three in the afternoon Maura sat up in bed trying to focus her attention on the sudoku puzzle in her book. Her mind was down the corridor with Jane, silently hoping that when she returned she would not be alone. An hour ticked by but to Maura it felt like a lifetime. She'd filled in just two numbers in the sudoku book.

When Jane entered the room, Maura could barely contain her excitement. In her arms she carried the tiny baby, a nurse trailed behind with a crib. She put the breaks on and left them alone. Maura sat up a little higher in bed.

"Someone wanted to come meet his Mama," Jane said, making silly faces as she carried him over.

The baby fit so perfectly in Jane's arms that if Maura had met them in the street she'd have insisted they were mother and son. The very idea tugged at her heartstrings. She didn't know whether she loved the idea or hated it. When Jane handed him over, Maura shifted uncomfortably. He continued to gaze up for a moment, until his whole face broke into a tremendous cry. Before she could really get to grips with what was happening, or commit her son's face to memory, she handed him back.

"What are you doing, Maur?"

'He likes you,' she wrote.

"You're his mother. He probably just wants feeding."

'It's probably too late.'

"For feeding him?" Maura nodded. "I asked the nurse in the NICU. You should know, though, you did digest a whole bible on babies. There's no reason why you couldn't breastfeed."

'What if I don't want to?'

"I'm not saying you have to, but you can't hand him over just because you're scared."

'I'm not scared.'

"And I'm the Pope," said Jane, holding the baby out towards her. Maura shook her head. "You're not fooling anyone. I'm going to give you back your beautiful son and then I'm going to wait outside. Don't freak out, just give it some time."

Before Maura could really process, or protest, Jane handed the baby back to her. For the briefest moment the whole world melted away. He _was_ beautiful. When he started to whimper, Maura looked up to find that Jane had already left. Her breathing became laboured and tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She could feel herself losing control.

_"Don't do the breathing thing." S_he imagined Jane stood in front of her, forcing her to focus and not let her natural response take over. When she was about to 'do the breathing thing' she didn't usually appreciate Jane's flippant responses, now she utilised the words to calm herself enough to hold her son.

"Hi," she whispered, the word flowing with an ease she'd forgotten existed. She tried again but no further words would flow. She jiggled the baby back and forth. The physical connection she hoped and prayed would be there, was not. She couldn't pretend otherwise. He was a baby and she was his mother, but in that very first moment he felt like a stranger. Her heart broke at the concept. Maybe things would change. They had to. She didn't think she'd be able to be a mother under those circumstances.

Maura stared at the baby in her arms. He didn't feel much like her son, but there he was. The soft curve of his features, a small wisp of hair atop his head, and tiny fingers stretched out towards her. He was small. Smaller than she'd anticipated, though she didn't know why given that premature babies were usually more than half the weight of full term ones. She settled him in one arm and placed her free hand on her abdomen. It should have been simpler. She'd done all the research, prepared herself exponentially, and yet still the unexpected happened.

The lack of emotional connection could not yet be attributed to post partum depression. However she felt within herself, her state of mind was created by her medical problems and not the presence (or up until that moment, absence) of her child.

Everything she'd expected to happen after birth had gone and that left her with an overwhelming sense of loss. They should have been home, with the baby still safely inside of her where he wouldn't be prone to infection or other complications. He should have been safe. Barely a week old and she had already failed at protecting him. Tears hovered on the surface. She swallowed the lump that had settled at the back of her throat. She would not cry again.

She ran through her expected first week in her mind and could find very little she could retrieve. She would not be the first person post delivery to hold him. If anyone had to have taken that place, she was glad it was Jane.

The baby started whimpering again, he scrunched up his tiny nose and mouth and started fussing. Maura looked around the room for someone to help, but as Jane had closed the door behind her, there was no one. She searched her brain for some piece of information that might be helpful.

Maura lifted her shirt up, careful not to drop the baby as she did it. Then she held him close. He reached out and attempted to grip the bare skin under his fragile fingers. The noise dissipated and he settled against her. A moment later his lips touched her skin.

Was she ready to attempt to breastfeed? The distance between them could only grow smaller, if she put in the time and effort. Besides, skin to skin contact would help him latch on faster, or so she'd read.

"Okay," she said, surprising herself at how easily the word came out when she didn't think about it. She lowered the baby and slipped her bra to one side to allow him to latch on. His mouth opened and he wrapped his little mouth around her nipple, then he moved it away again. She begged, silently, for him to just to do this one thing for her. Something had to go right. It just had to. Maura needed to know that her pregnancy was not completely pointless, and motherhood was possible.

She tried again and again, but still the baby wouldn't feed. Eventually, she gave up and just lay there with him against her. He nuzzled his face against her breast and slept. Slowly Maura could feel a connection beginning to form, it was minute and probably tentative, but it was a sign that things could change. When the baby wrapped his mouth around her nipple and began sucking, Maura's lips curved into a ridiculous smile. It only lasted a brief second, and she was certain no milk was obtained, but it didn't matter. It was enough.

"Knock, knock," Jane said, entering the room again. Maura lifted her bra back over her exposed breast and allowed her son to continue sleeping against her bare skin. "You two getting on okay? No fights?"

"No," Maura laughed.

"Hey, you spoke," said Jane, sitting down beside the bed. "Can you say anything else?"

Maura shook her head, then struggled to write on the board. 'If I try, it won't work.'

"So we have to stop you from thinking, so you'll talk?" Jane asked, raising an eyebrow.

Maura shrugged. She didn't know what the answer was. It didn't matter in that moment. Today was a good day and she hoped there would be many more to follow.

* * *

**Author Notes: I have a busy, busy day tomorrow, which is a shame, because otherwise I'd be spending it writing allll day long. It is a long weekend, though, so hopefully I'll be a little quicker on the updates after tomorrow. I have a 50th anniversary event for a helpline I volunteer on, so I have to wear heels and a dress...I don't mind dresses, but I'm with Jane on the general getting dressed up thing. (P.S. I hate heels.)**


	15. Chapter 15: Jane

**Author Notes: So it's been a little longer than I was hoping/planning. I've been quite down the last couple of weeks and I've also been quite busy in one way or another. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and feel it's been worth the wait. I really need to break ground faster with this fic because I'm going away on 30th May until 30th June, I was hoping I'd have been done before then. I don't plan to spend my trip writing fanfiction - though maybe it'll inspire me being surrounded by you Americans. ;)**

* * *

The baby squawked and wriggled when Jane strapped him into the car seat. Maura laughed from across the room. Jane glared at her. When the baby was secure, Jane placed him on the floor, facing Maura, and sat down beside him.

"You have to get dressed eventually," Jane said.

"No," Maura said, shaking her head.

"I know you don't want to go home," Jane said. "It's safe here. They look after the baby for you and you get to pretend that you don't have to cope with this."

"Not true."

"Yes, true." Jane lifted the car seat up. "You see this face? He needs you to be his Mama. No more feeling sorry for yourself, Maura."

"Not ready."

"You are. You're just scared."

"Not."

"Are."

"No."

"We could do this all day and you wouldn't win because I have more words than you. I know that's scary and you've not had to be the primary carer for your son for two weeks, but now it's time for you to take over."

"But," Maura's voice trailed off.

"The doctor is happy with your progress. As of a few minutes ago you're going to be treated as an outpatient. It's too late to go back now."

"No."

Maura's face crumpled in much the same way as her son's did when he was hungry. Tears fell from her eyelids and landed on her cheeks where they rolled down her face. Jane's heart sunk. She reached out to Maura's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"I'm here, Maura. I cleared it at work. I can work less hours for a while. I can help."

'You shouldn't,' Maura wrote on the whiteboard. 'You've taken long enough.'

"They love you, Maura, they know that you're on your own."

'Constance,' she wrote.

"She was a huge help last week. But this week she's gone back to Tanzania and you need to go home."

"No."

"Stop shirking your responsibilities because you're scared."

'You have no idea,' Maura wrote on the board.

"Well, we're going," said Jane, picking up the car seat and carrying the baby towards the door.

"Don't go," Maura said, standing up. Jane turned back to face her, hopeful that tough love was winning out. "Okay."

"Okay, what?" Jane asked.

Maura reached for the whiteboard, but Jane snatched it away before she could reach it.

"You know the doctor wants you to use words as much as you can. I know you can say small things. I don't need a report, Maur."

She stared at Jane like she was being asked to climb Mount Everest in her underwear. Maura opened her mouth to form the words, then grunted loudly and sat back down, her fists banging against the mattress.

"Stop thinking, just speak."

"Go," she whispered. "I'll...go."

Pride filled every inch of Jane's conscious. The smallest steps were so important. The doctor had explained over and over to her that patience was key, but they didn't know Maura as well as she did. She was scared and in a place where shopping was nigh on impossible. Besides, she'd never experienced this level of fear before. Her whole life was different now, in one way or another, and that frightened Jane, let alone Maura.

When they arrived at the house Jane fumbled with Maura's keys until the door swung open. They walked into the living area. Jane stopped short of the doorway. The room was filled with boxes.

"Maura," she said slowly, glancing across at the room as Maura placed the baby's carrier on the floor and unbuckled his belt. "What did you do?"

"Before," she said, shrugging her shoulders.

"You ordered all of them before?" Maura nodded and handed the baby over to Jane. "Every single one?"

"No," Maura said, lifting a knife out of the knife block and slicing open one of the boxes. She placed the knife on the kitchen counter and pulled out brand new baby clothes. "He's…sm, smaller."

A couple hours later Maura and the baby were sleeping. Jane poured two mugs of coffee and handed one to the lawyer sitting at Maura's kitchen table. She sat down opposite her.

"They can't get away with this," she said, after explaining the situation. "Things will probably get easier, but there's no guarantee that Maura will ever be the same again. She is a brilliant scientist with a superb mind and if she can't do her job, I don't know how that will affect her."

"You're well within your rights to take this forwards, Ms Rizzoli," the lawyer said. She placed her coffee mug on the table and pulled out a couple of forms. "It's important that you do so with Ms Isles' approval. Since this case involves her, I'll have to meet with her and have her sign the documentation."

"She can hardly speak," said Jane, shaking her head. "I don't want to bother her when she's got enough to deal with."

"Whilst I appreciate that you're concerned for your friend, without Ms Isles on board, we cannot proceed."

"Okay," said Jane. "I'll see what I can do. But she won't be able to talk to you. She doesn't even know what happened. Not the full story."

"I don't?"

Jane turned at the sound of Maura's voice, her heart raced and she searched her brain for ways to explain the situation away. She couldn't tell Maura that she was suing the hospital. Not in front of the lawyer she'd hired to represent them. They needed time to discuss it, time for Jane to explain exactly what happened when she gave birth.

"Maura," she said, pushing her coffee mug to one side and standing up. "This is Colette Barber, she's working on a case."

"I th," Maura started to say but she trailed off. Her brow furrowed and she looked like she was about to cry. She formed the shapes of letters but, once again, words were harder to come by.

"Colette was just leaving," Jane explained, nodding to the lawyer. She stood up and followed Jane towards the door. "I'll be in touch about the, err, case."

"Don't lie," Maura said. She tried to say something more but the words wouldn't come. After several attempts she screamed and banged her fist against the kitchen counter.

"See." Jane held a hand out to Maura, her eyes fixed on Colette. "This is what I was talking about."

"I understand," Colette said, shaking hands with Jane before leaving.

When the door closed, Jane hoped that she could distract their attention away from Colette's visit. She walked back into the kitchen area and cleared up the coffee mugs. As she ran the faucet she could feel Maura's eyes on her.

"T, talk," said Maura. "Now."

"I should check on the baby," said Jane, turning off the faucet and walking across the room.

"No," said Maura, placing a hand on her chest to stop her from moving.

"Maura," Jane said, her eyebrows sunk. She didn't want to have to be the one to explain what had happened to her. She didn't want to have to tell her that she'd been failed by the profession that she held so close.

"Now."

"We're suing the hospital for negligence. It's their fault you had the seizures. Colette is the lawyer who I hired to represent you. She thinks you have a good chance."

"You," Maura began, then shook her head. She picked up the whiteboard and scribbled across it. 'You think I won't get better.'

"I didn't say that, Maur," Jane said, taking the whiteboard and pen out of her hands. She pulled Maura's hands into her own and held them close. "We don't know what's going to happen. You need to make sure your son has a future."

"Okay," she said.

The next morning Jane woke up to the sound of the baby screaming loudly. The sun had barely come up. She ran a hand through her tangled mess of hair and wandered through to the baby's nursery. The walls were bare, the crib still in its box ready for assembling, beside an empty box which the Moses basket had arrived in. Maura sat with the baby cradled in her arms on a rocking chair by the window.

"He's got one hell of a set of lungs," Jane smiled as she stood beside them.

"They," Maura said, taking a moment to recollect herself. "Ma, made, mistake. Take him."

She held the baby out to Jane. He wriggled about, his face bright red and his mouth open as she screamed louder. Jane paused, then scooped him up and rocked him gently.

"What are you talking about, Maura?"

"Take…him back," she said, lowering her face into her hands.

"Take him back where?" Jane asked, the baby settled in her arms. "He's yours."

"Hospital."

"He's not going back to the hospital."

"Can't," Maura said. "Can't do it.

"Yes, you can."

Before Maura could stop her, Jane placed the baby back in her arms. She stared into Jane's eyes, a heartbreaking expression that almost made Jane take the baby again and follow Maura's wishes. She took a step back and Maura cradled him. His face scrunched up, growing redder and redder until he screamed again.

"No," Maura said, handing the baby back to Jane and walking out of the room.

"You can't opt out," she shouted, carrying the baby down the stairs and into the kitchen where Maura stood. Her whole face was as red and wet as the baby's. "I know this is hard, but you can't just say no to your son."

Maura shook her head. She opened a notebook sitting on the kitchen counter. It took her a moment to put pen to paper, but when she did, she scribbled and crossed out several words before rewriting it neater.

"No. I already messed up," Jane read as she jiggled the baby. "I wasn't there for him right after his birth. How can he trust me to be there for him for the rest of his life?"

Jane scrunched up the piece of paper with one hand, ripping it from the pad, and threw it across the floor. Maura stared at her like she was the one being irrational.

"Firstly," she said. "You couldn't help having seizures. Secondly, he's a baby, Maura. He doesn't remember where his nose is, do you really think he cares that you weren't there for five seconds out of a lifetime?"

Her face scrunched up again and tears continued to fall down her cheeks.

"He does…doesn't…care?"

"You know what this is, don't you," Jane said, fighting the urge to praise Maura for speaking in order to get her point across. "It's that post natal whatsit. It's not real, Maura. You can fight this."

Maura rolled her eyes and scribbled on the notepad. 'Of course it's real. It's a chemical imbalance.'

"There you go, teaching me things again." Jane lifted the baby against her shoulder. "You're gonna teach Lefty Grove all sorts of weird crap. You're gonna hold him, and feed him, and love him because you're his mother."

"Who…Lefty?"

"Your son."

The tears and sadness dissipated, replaced instead by a look of sheer confusion. Maura flipped to another sheet of notepaper and wrote down 'I did not name him Lefty Grove'.

"No," Jane said, walking across the room and sitting down on the couch. "Because you haven't chosen a name for him yet."

Maura followed her across the room. She took a tissue out of the box on the coffee table and wiped her face. For a moment, Jane wanted to scoop her up like she did the baby and rock her until she stopped being so sad. Instead she patted the couch and Maura sat beside her.

"Why?" Maura asked, then she wrote 'Why would you call him Lefty Grove?'

"He's sixteen days old." Jane lay the baby in her lap and jiggled her legs. "I don't know what you call a tiny baby who's been around for sixteen days without a name."

"Lefty Grove?" Maura asked, laughing for the first time in longer than Jane would have liked.

"He was ranked number 23 in The Sporting News list of Baseball's Greatest Players in 1999. He retired with a career record of 300-141, he's Red Sox royalty. What better name is there?"

Maura shook her head and held up a piece of paper. 'That name amounts to child abuse.'

"How?"

'Could you imagine if he became a doctor or a judge?' Maura wrote.

"Doctor Lefty, I think it's got a nice ring to it." Jane lifted the baby across to Maura, swapping him for another piece of paper. She read it aloud. "We are not calling my son Lefty Grove…Fine. Then you choose a name."

"Already have," Maura said, placing the baby in her lap like Jane did.

"When?"

"Four," Maura said, frowning as she tried to find the other word. "Months."

"Four months? Maura, why didn't you tell me? I could have been calling him by his actual name all this time."

She paused, watching the baby as he slept in her lap for a moment. Then she carefully scrawled across another sheet of paper and handed it to Jane.

"I wanted to make sure it suited him," Jane read. "Naming a child is a massive responsibility. Once I worked through as many possible schoolyard taunts as I could to minimise his risk of being exposed to bullying, I wanted to make sure it worked."

Jane rolled her eyes. "He's your son, Maura, there's going to be some schoolyard teasing."

"Don't say that," she whispered, her face contorted again.

"Please don't cry," said Jane. "I'm just teasing you. I didn't mean it. What's the name?"

She stared at the baby, trying to form his name. After a moment, Maura closed her eyes and took a couple of slow, deep breaths.

"Tobias," she said, "After…Phil, Phillip Tobias.

"Who's Phillip Tobias?"

On opening her eyes, Maura wrote down for Jane to read. "'He was a pioneer in the field of paleoan…paleoanthro…pology' …I don't even know how you say that word, Maura. 'And evolution. He did important research into the evolutionary links between primates and humans.' What does that even mean?"

'He helped establish a link between humans and monkeys,' Maura wrote.

"So you're naming your son after some scientist?"

'Why wouldn't I? He was a remarkable human being,' Maura wrote, staring down at her son. 'Toby is lucky to have such a namesake.'

"Toby, I like that," said Jane, her lips curving into a ridiculous grin.

'Do you think it suits him?' Maura wrote.

"Why you asking me?"

She handed the notepad to Jane again. 'You've spent the most time together.'

"Why don't I just ask him?" Jane said, leaning down to the baby and asking. "Nup, doesn't like it."

"What?" Maura's shoulders sunk and her eyes drooped with sadness.

"I'm kidding Maura. He's sixteen days old." Jane wrapped a couple of fingers around his tiny hand. "All he cares about is eating, sleeping, pooping and barfing. Which he did four times in the night, by the way. I'm running out of clean pyjamas."

'If you need to go back to your apartment to get some things,' Maura wrote. 'I can watch him until you get back.'

"Watch him? He's your kid."

"You're good…" Maura said, pausing as she tried to refocus herself. "…with him."

Jane rolled her eyes and let go of the baby's hand. "You parent, I'll call Frankie and ask him to pack me some things. You really need to get over this, whatever this is."

* * *

**Author Note: Leave a comment, or something...if you want...they're always appreciated. Tell me what I should see on my trip to the US (and future trips, since eventually I want to have visited every single state).**


	16. Chapter 16: Maura

**Author Note: I spent the whole day worrying about the Greys Anatomy finale because I read a spoiler which wasn't a spoiler, so writing this chapter helped. I have some training all day tomorrow and need to do some work on rearranging my bedroom, but hopefully I can still knock out a chapter. This chapter took a little turn that I wasn't entirely expecting, but it has helped to move things forwards faster so hopefully I can finish it before I go away. I hope you enjoy reading it.**

* * *

Maura lowered her shirt and carried Toby over to the Moses basket. He continued to sleep in his post-food daze. She watched his little chest rise and fall with every breath and could feel that tug of maternal emotion she longed for every day. The last week had been challenging. She loved her son, but when he cried she doubted herself.

"Mommy loves you," she whispered, something she opted to say more often than was probably necessary, but it helped her feel less inadequate. If she could say little else, her son would know how deeply she felt for him.

The doorbell rang and Maura placed a hand on Toby's chest, waiting a moment until she knew he wasn't going to wake. Then she walked across the room to answer the door. She searched her brain for who it could be. Jane had her own key, and would walk straight in. Angela only ever used the back door. Anyone else knew to knock, or at least call first. She hadn't ordered any more parcels, so it couldn't be a delivery.

"Jack," Maura said, her whole body tensed up. A lump settled at the back of her throat. The urge to hit him hard came out of nowhere, which she ignored.

"I know you probably don't want to see me," he said. Maura nodded. "I know I handled this whole thing the wrong way. Maura, if I'm going to be a father again then I want to be here. You must be nearly..."

His voice trailed off as his eyes landed on the space where Maura's bump had been. She didn't have her pre-pregnancy shape back, but even the most clueless of people would know that she was no longer pregnant. She quickly did the sums in her head. She gave birth early, so if Jack had used the due date she gave him, he was bang on time.

"What," he said, looking up into her eyes. Maura frowned.

As if on cue the baby started screaming from his basket. Maura ignored Jack's look of surprise and went to tend to her son. She could feel Jack's watchful gaze as she lifted the baby onto her chest and moved back and forth.

"He's here," Jack said. Maura could hear Jane's voice in her head 'stating the obvious there, Jack' and tried not to laugh.

"Toby," she said, rubbing his back in the hope his tears were merely a sign of wind he hadn't passed before she put him down.

"Toby," Jack repeated, a ridiculous grin on his face.

Maura ignored him as much as she could, in order to settle Toby down. She checked his diaper, then rubbed his back again. He couldn't be hungry, she'd just fed him and he didn't throw any of it back up. She wondered if maybe he could sense the tension in the room.

"You should...go," she said, sitting down and slipping off her shirt. She held the baby against her naked flesh and rocked him side to side.

"I don't wanna," said Jack, sitting on the coffee table opposite her. Maura could feel herself losing control of her emotions. Her heart raced, her hands shook and the baby wouldn't stop crying. It happened at least once a day that she couldn't settle her son, but usually she didn't have an audience.

"Please," she said, staring at Jack until he held his hands out.

"Let me try," he said, and without thinking too much about it, Maura handed Toby to his father.

He settled onto the couch beside Maura and rested Toby on his back across his knees, jiggling them gently. Within a few moments Toby's tears subsided and he stared up at Jack with big saucer eyes.

"Jane...she, d, does that," Maura said, wishing she'd called her the second Jack turned up.

"It always helped when Allie had colic."

She smiled. The absence and hectic weeks made her forget all of the things that she loved about Jack. She always knew he'd be good with his son. He wouldn't have moved across country if he was born before, Maura was certain of that.

"I," Maura began, but her emotions got the better of her and she couldn't find the words.

"You seem different," Jack said. "You sound different."

"Trauma," she said, the only word she could find to explain.

"He was early?" Maura nodded.

"I had a...a seizure."

"When?"

"At, at, at the..." Maura closed her eyes and tried to focus her attention on each breath. "Birth. My speech."

"I should have been here," he said, reaching for Maura's hand. She let him wrap his hand around hers, their fingers interlinked.

For a moment, they felt like a family. Then the last nine months of emotions flooded back and Maura retrieved her hand. She couldn't forgive him that quickly. She deserved better than what he gave. Maybe he couldn't move back to Boston, but he didn't even offer her support throughout the pregnancy. Now their son was born, Maura had to protect him. Deep down she knew that Jack would be an amazing father. But he'd let them both down, and it would take more than showing up unannounced to fix things.

When Jane arrived home from work, Maura was sitting on the couch flicking through a magazine. She placed it on the coffee table and greeted her.

"Bad news," Jane said, sitting down beside her. "Colette spoke to her law firm and they won't represent you. Said the case isn't strong enough. Apparently they can't always prevent seizures."

"No," said Maura. It took a couple of days to get the full story from Jane and though Maura didn't know as much about the condition she'd suffered as some medical professionals, she still knew more than most. All it took was a couple of emails with an old colleague and she was certain the hospital did everything they could. The test results showing her protein levels might not have been enough to stop her seizures.

"You knew?" Maura nodded. "Why didn't you tell me before I wasted hundreds of dollars?"

"I'll pay," said Maura.

"It doesn't," Jane said, then her voice trailed away. Jack walked across the room with the baby over his shoulder and sunk into a chair. He rearranged Toby so that he lay on his knees. Jane turned her attention back to Maura. "Worse news. What is going on?"

"Jack's here," Maura said.

"I can see that, Sherlock," said Jane.

"I came to support Maura," he said, never taking his eyes off the baby. "If I'd known Toby had been born I'd have come sooner."

"You shouldn't have come at all."

"Jane!" Maura said.

"She's right, Maura," Jack said. "I should at least have called first. I know what I did was wrong. I'm here to fix things."

"We don't need you," Jane said, standing up and marching across to the chair. She scooped the baby out of his lap and carried him towards the staircase.

"Jane," Maura said, her voice straining as she spoke. What Jane said was true, they were doing fine and were effective enough without Jack. But mothering was a challenge at the best of times and Maura knew that Jane wouldn't always be there to help. Jane shook her head and walked out of the room. "I'm sorry."

"She's protecting you," Jack said. "I get it. I'd do the same if I was Jane."

"Maybe come back?" Maura asked, shrugging her should.

"That would probably be for the best," said Jack, standing up. Maura stood and followed him towards the door. "I didn't come here to disrupt your life. I came to be there for Toby. I hope you know that."

"I do."

"Call me?" Jack asked. Maura nodded. He rested a hand on the small of her back and brushed his lips against the corner of Maura's mouth. She paused for a moment, overwhelmed by a desire for physical connection. She turned her head to one side and kissed him softly on the lips.

"Sorry," she said again, and took a step back.

"I'll see you," he said, closing the door behind him.

Maura stood, frozen on the spot, confused in every which way she could be. Her fingers travelled involuntarily to her lips.

"What was that?" Jane asked.

Maura could feel a tension settle between them. She knew that Jack wasn't Jane's favourite person, but that didn't mean she couldn't see the advantage to having him there. She shrugged her shoulders and returned to the couch.

"Don't shrug and walk away," said Jane, marching into the room and standing in front of her with both hands on her hips. "Kissing your ex when he abandoned you at a time you needed him the most."

"No," Maura said. "Not that."

"Really? It sure looked that way."

"It wasn't. We said...g, g, bye."

"With tongues."

Maura rolled her eyes. "No tongues. A friendly kiss."

"He overstepped, Maura," she said, throwing herself down onto the couch beside her. "Your son is in his crib, by the way. The crib that I built because Jack wasn't here to help."

"Stop," said Maura, her heart beating faster. She could feel an anger rising up in the pit of her stomach and she didn't like how it made her feel. "Stop it."

"I'm looking out for you, for Toby."

"I appreciate it," Maura said. "But he, he's...dad."

"A dad who hasn't been here, at all."

"Stop it," Maura said again. She searched her brain for the words to explain how she felt but they all came out in a jumbled mess. She took her notepad off the table and scribbled words on the page, until they started making sense. When she'd drafted what she wanted to say, she handed the pad to Jane.

"I know he isn't perfect but he's Toby's father," Jane read aloud. "I love that you want to protect us but I have to protect my son. He needs his father in his life. I need you to let me make these decisions. I need to do what's best for Toby and you shouting at Jack for fixing his mistake isn't helping."

She placed the notepad on the coffee table in silence. A silence that chilled Maura to the bone. When Jane stood up Maura felt her emotions vie for attention, threatening to overwhelm her.

"I think it's time I went home," said Jane.

She walked across the room to the doorway. Maura turned her head to watch her go. Tears threatened to fall as her brain worked in overdrive. The last thing she wanted was to be left alone. She could handle a few hours while Jane was at work but she'd come to rely on her for everything. As the front door closed, tears overflowed down her cheeks. Then the baby monitor came to life and her son screamed for her attention.


	17. Chapter 17: Jane

**Author Notes: Wow. Thank you so much to everyone who left comments - it's been a long time since I've received so many comments for one chapter. You are all such supportive and wonderful people and I appreciate each and every one of you. It's always such a pleasure to read your comments. I take on board all of the feedback and I really hope that I have been able to rectify things that you have wished were a little different. It really helps. So thank you again, you're amazing.**

* * *

Jane placed a glass of beer on the table and slid into her usual booth at the Dirty Robber. She regretted it the second her mother's eyes found her in the small crowd that had gathered between herself and the bar. Before she could move, Angela was sitting opposite her, her head tilted to one side. Her eyes were sorrowful and she stretched a hand across the table to Jane's.

"What do you want, Ma?" she asked, retrieving her hand to pour a mouthful of beer down her throat.

"I'm your mother, I know when something's wrong."

"You're not Wonder Woman," Jane said, regretting it the second the words left her mouth. In many ways her mother was better than a superhero. She got beaten down over and over and still managed to get back up to fight. She was remarkable, and Jane never told her how proud she was. She still wouldn't, not unless she had a few more beers in her.

"Talk to me," Angela said, leaning against the table and staring at Jane until she stared back.

"Jack's back."

"Good," she said. "It's about time he did the right thing."

"She kissed him, Ma," Jane said, placing one arm on top of the other on the table to rest her chin on. "He's been gone for months, he didn't even call. He's been back five seconds and she's already falling for him again."

Angela mirrored Jane's position on the table. "You don't know that."

"I do," Jane said. "I did it with Casey. I wanted…something. I thought it was him but it wasn't. She's making a huge mistake."

"Maybe it's her mistake to make," said Angela. She pushed her hand back across the table and wrapped it around Jane's.

"I've been there from the beginning," Jane said, holding onto her mother's hand like a comfort blanket. "She didn't listen to me when I tried to tell her. I just want to look after her, why can't she see that?"

"She does, Janey."

Whilst Jane knew that Angela was right, she didn't much feel like agreeing. She just wanted to pretend that everything was fine, for one night. To put the last few months of mayhem to one side.

"Jane," Angela said, squeezing her fingers tighter. Jane looked into her eyes again. It was rare that she really looked at her mother with such attention that she could see the lines of age crossing her face. She wasn't the young woman who patched up her grazed knees.

"What, Ma?"

"Do you think that maybe you're getting too close? To Maura and the baby. Losing a child is one of the hardest things you will ever face, as much as you might want Toby to be yours, he's not."

"No," she said, pulling her hand into her lap. If she was being honest, which she knew she wouldn't be, she would have said maybe. Maura was already part of her family, their friendship had long ago surpassed the 'average' stage. Her feelings had evolved from normal friendship. "That's not it. This isn't about the baby I lost."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure, Ma."

"Just, be careful is all I'm saying," Angela said, leaning across the table to place a kiss on Jane's cheek. She wiped it away like a child in the yard at school, glancing around to make sure nobody saw.

Long after Angela returned to work, Jane sat nursing her beer. When the glass had emptied, she brought another one over and Jane drank that one too.

"Another?" a man asked. Jane glanced up and smiled, she looked behind him to where Angela stood watching with two thumbs in the air.

She rolled her eyes. "Sure."

Before she knew it the night drifted by and the room emptied of people wanting more than a quiet drink. The man opposite talked about his rock climbing business, at least Jane thought he was talking about rock climbing. She nodded in what she hoped were all the right places, and smiled along with his stories.

"What do you say?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, what?" said Jane, smiling again.

"Wanna come back to mine?"

Did she? She wasn't sure. Hours earlier she'd been drowning her sorrows over Maura. The woman that she loved. What she wanted more than anything was to go back to Maura's house and tell her how she felt, to kiss her, to force her to face up to the fact that Jane wasn't just there as a friend. But she couldn't do that.

"Sure," she said, emptying her glass and standing up. "Let's go."

In the morning, Jane woke to the man's naked body uncovered beside her. His cheek glistened with saliva and a grunting snore escaped with every inward breath. The man's hairline was receding and he was still wearing a pair of grey socks with a hole in one of the toes. Jane slipped out from under the bed sheets and retrieved her clothes from the floor. She carried them into the bathroom and put them on quickly, before escaping into the early morning. The last thing she wanted was for him to want to discuss what happened next, or maybe he'd be happy with leaving it as one night out of a lifetime.'

She stood on Maura's doorstep an hour later trying to decide whether to unlock the door or knock. In the end she placed a hand against the wooden frame and rested her head against the door. The baby cried from somewhere in the house. Toby's little lungs worked hard as he screamed out for nearly ten minutes. Jane finally pulled her key from her pocket and unlocked the door.

"Maura?"

The first place Jane went to was the nursery, where Toby was crying in his crib. She scooped him up and held him against her shoulder.

"Shh, it's okay, where's your Mama, huh?"

Jane continued to jiggle the baby in her arms as she walked through the house. Maura's bedroom was empty. She was nowhere to be seen in the kitchen and lounge. When Jane returned upstairs to check the bathroom, she could hear gentle sobs coming from Maura's closet.

"Maur?" she asked, pushing the door open and staring into the darkness.

"He won't," Maura said, in between great gasping sobs. "Stop crying."

The baby settled against her shoulder. Jane retreated from the closet and returned to the nursery. A faint whiff filled the room. She attended to Toby's dirty diaper, before putting him in the crib. He fussed for a moment then settled down again. Her heart was breaking. She desperately wanted to help Maura, but she knew the issue was far greater than one she could solve alone.

"Maura," she whispered, slipping into the closet and squeezing herself between a pile of shoeboxes and her best friend. "What's going on? Toby needed you."

"He, he cried, all night," she said, her shoulders hunched as they shook.

"You can't just leave him," Jane said, slipping a hand out in the darkness and gripping Maura's fingers. She could feel the pressure as Maura gripped her hand back. "He needs you."

"I know."

"You need to get a handle on things, Maura," she said, resting her head against Maura's. "You need to find a way to cope."

"I, I, I don't think," she said. "I can't do it."

"You will, you have been."

"No. I, you, I can't."

"Your son needs you." Jane crossed her legs and turned to face Maura. She reached up and wrapped a hand around each of her cheeks until she could see directly into Maura's eyes. "You can't let this beat you."

"I don't, I, I don't," Maura stuttered, her breathing laboured as tears continued to escape. "Know how."

Jane pressed a thumb against Maura's cheek and brushed away her tears. More followed, and she brushed them away too. She wrapped her arms around Maura's waist, holding her in the dark until she could feel her body stop shaking. At some point tears had fallen down her own cheeks. She wiped her face on her shirt and sat back beside Maura. They hadn't rectified the issues from the day before, something which bothered Jane more than she cared to admit.

"You, you" Maura said, leaning her head back against the wall. "Came back."

"Is that it?" Jane asked, taking a large breathing in, before letting it out. If they were going to fight again, she needed to be ready.

"I'm sorry?"

"But you're not, though, are you?"

"I, I don't, under, understand," said Maura.

"No, you don't," said Jane, pushing on the closet door and crawling out into the bedroom. She climbed to her feet and stared down at Maura. She looked tiny; a tiny broken woman whom she desperately wanted to crawl back into the closet with and hold until everything was alright again. But she couldn't pretend any longer. "I've been here for you, Maura. Over and over and over again and all I seem to get back is you getting angry, or breaking my phone. When was the last time you asked me how I'm feeling? When was the last time you thanked me?"

"I, thank y," Maura started to say, but Jane cut her off.

"No, you don't get to say it now. You don't get to pretend that this isn't what is happening. I know you're hurting. I know you can't put everything into words and you're scared and the baby is crying and you just want to hide in the closet. But there's only so much more I can take before I end up in my own. I need a break."

"But," she said, her whole face scrunched up as tears filled her eyes again. Jane could feel the battle going on inside. Part of her wanted to apologise and tell Maura that she was always going to be there. The rest of her wanted to walk away.

"Call Jack," she said, though it hurt just as much to do so. Then she walked out for the second time in less than twenty four hours.


	18. Chapter 18: Maura

**Author Note****: I know that not everyone will like my story, and I'm okay with that. But if you're going to be rude to me, at least sign up to an account and own it. Most of the comments I receive are fantastic, and you make this story a complete joy to be writing (beyond the fictional masochism). Thank you to everyone who has been balanced and fair in their comments - there have been some really important critiques that have helped me and the story progress. I appreciate you all a lot.**

* * *

At some point after Jane left, Toby started to cry. Maura stayed in the relative safety of the closet for a moment.

She was alone.

She was a mixed bag of emotions, of hormones, and she had a child who needed her. Whatever she chose to do next, however she dealt with the mess she'd landed in, he didn't deserve the life he was living. She couldn't change her injury and there was little she could do in the short term about the black hole threatening to swallow her whole. But she could walk, she could hold Toby, and she could give him everything he needed.

"I'm here," she said, lifting the baby out of the crib and rocking him back and forth.

She sat down on the rocking chair by the window. His lungs fought hard as he screamed louder. They say that babies can pick up on the emotions of their parents. If their mother is struggling, they're more likely to cry, making the mother feel even worse, making the baby cry more. A vicious circle that someone had to break.

The last thing Maura wanted to do was push everyone away. She needed them. She desperately needed someone to pick up the slack. Maybe that was why she jumped at the chance to have Jack back in her life. She didn't love him, not in the way she had before he left. Too much had happened. He didn't deserve the family he came back to claim. She wanted Toby to have his father; the most important thing in the equation was her son. Without his happiness, nothing else mattered.

"You're okay," she whispered, lifting him up against her shoulder and wrapping both arms around his back.

He still had that brand new baby smell. In all of the drama that had followed his birth, Maura had forgotten to commit to memory the things that mattered. The way her son smelled after she bathed him. The shape of his mouth when he sucked on her nipple. The slight curl of the longest part of his hair. Somehow along the way she'd lost sight of the excitement of motherhood. Nothing was going the way she thought it would. She could blame it on the seizures and her speech issues as a result, but the truth was she chose to make certain things a priority and somehow remembering her son's early days was not on the list.

"I'm sorry," she said, slipping out of her shirt and resting the baby against her bare skin. His lips reached out to her and he tried to suckle on her shoulder. She pulled her bra aside and angled his mouth in the direction of her breast. It took a moment for him to latch on and she felt the tugging of his mouth working. "I'm so sorry."

Life wasn't going to change unless she did something to change it. Maura could hide away in her closet, or pretend that Toby wasn't crying, but unless she changed the situation she was going to disappear into that black hole and never make it out again. She felt the overwhelming sense that she had no control over anything anymore. She lashed out, then blamed it on someone else. She got upset, then pretended that she was coping. She had to do something if she wanted things to change.

But calling Jack?

After a while Toby's mouth slipped from her nipple. She lifted him up against her shoulder and rubbed his back. They sat like that for a while. An unfamiliar calm settled between them. It was moments like that which made Maura think that maybe everything would be okay.

Then she remembered the mess she'd made with Jane. Somewhere under the strain she'd lost sight of the person standing beside her throughout. If anyone deserved her gratitude, it was her. Instead Maura had got lost in a selfish, rude little bubble she didn't know how to find her way out of.

She carried the baby into her bedroom where she retrieved her cellphone. She lay down and rested him against her chest whilst she made a call.

"Doctor Lister, please," Maura said, once the line had connected. She waited another moment until a woman spoke. "It's Maura Isles. I think, I, I, n, need help."

The next morning, Maura met Jack at a coffee shop round the corner from Doctor Lister's office. She sat by the window with the baby in his stroller enjoying a cup of iced tea. The last few weeks had been so difficult that they hadn't taken much time to be out. Aside from routine appointments, Maura couldn't remember if there had been another occasion when Toby had been outside.

"Hey big boy," Jack said. He kissed Maura on the cheek in greeting and lifted the baby out of the stroller. "How is my little man?"

"I, I've been…di, diag," Maura said, pausing briefly. Her recovery was slow. It was to be expected, but each block in her ability to communicate built up inside her chest like a heavy weight she didn't know she'd ever be able to shift. "I have, postpartum depression."

Jack turned his attention away from Toby. "You have?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, Maura," Jack said, sliding a hand across her knee. She flinched and turned away. "What's wrong?"

"I didn't, I called," said Maura, shaking her head. How could she explain when words were so difficult? She berated herself for not bringing a notepad along with her. "I need y, your help…with Toby."

"Of course. What can I do?"

"Just, j, just be…here."

He glanced down at Toby. The baby lay in the crook of his arm, his little eyes wide and alert. Maura watched Jack. His whole body tensed up. A sense of foreboding settled between them. She was struggling to keep her head above water and he was about to tell her he couldn't stay.

"How long?" she asked.

"My flight's in three days. I didn't think I needed to be here, I didn't know." Jack stared at her, his eyes glistened under the light from the window. "I don't want to leave him, or you, but I can't just up sticks and move back here."

Maura's shoulders sunk, her heart raced along with the clock and she could feel tears prickling her eyes. That morning she'd woken with a new sense of hope. The rollercoaster was difficult to ride, but maybe it was coming to a stop. Deep down she knew Jack wouldn't be around forever. She'd just hoped that meeting his son might change his mind.

"I'm sorry," he said, grasping her hand.

"Me too," she replied, pulling it away.

"Maybe I could spend the day with Toby," said Jack, turning him round and sitting him in his lap. "It would give you a break and I could spend some time with him."

The only person Maura had trusted to look after her son, without her being present, was Jane, and the hospital. He might have been Toby's father but she didn't know if she could be apart from her baby for a whole day. She considered what would happen if she took him home. He'd probably cry before they got there. Then he'd cry all afternoon and she'd probably end up in her closet again. No amount of medication was going to stop him from crying.

"Okay."

If Maura could choose one thing to do with her day, she would have opted for going home and sleeping. But she couldn't do that. She had to keep fighting, even if that meant facing a sleepless night when Toby finally came home. Instead she went to a masseuse and allowed her whole body to relax into the massage. Once it was over, she felt a sense of calm that she hadn't felt in a long time. Then she drove across the city to the police station.

"Maura," Korsak said when she entered the room. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and kissed her cheek. "It's good to see you. You look well. Where's the little one?"

"With his dad," she replied. "Where's Jane?"

"She called in sick."

"Oh," Maura said. She glanced at the floor. Her absence from the office worried her. Perhaps things weren't as okay as she thought they might be. That maybe Jane wasn't just trying tough love because nothing else was working.

After a fractured conversation with Korsak, Maura drove to Jane's apartment via the store. When she knocked on the door, a pack of beers in hand, she didn't quite know what she was going to say. The door opened and Jane stood in her sweats, her hair a tangle of unruly curls. She pushed the door as if to close it, but Maura put out a hand and held it open. She handed the beers across to her. Jane took the pack and shrugged.

The lack of words gave Maura an idea. It was hard enough explaining her feelings without speech, so she pulled out a small notepad she'd purchased and started scribbling. She held up the first page and allowed Jane to read the words 'I'm so sorry for the way I treated you' before she turned the page and held it up again. They continued that way until Jane had read every word.

"I have been keeping my head above water and I feel like…I can't even swim anymore. The last few months have…been the hardest I have ever had to face and I don't know…how any of those moments would have been easier if…you hadn't been by my side, they would have been infinitely harder…you have been nothing but kind to me and I couldn't find the words…to repay you, to explain that I don't want to hurt you…You are one of the most important people in my life. You have been…there for Toby and for that I am more grateful than I could ever…explain, with or without words. Jack is here for Toby and only Toby…he hurt me too much for us to go back but I can't stop him being there…for his son and I hope you understand that. I have…been scared. I'm still scared. I don't know if I'll ever be able…to say these words to you, to tell you how important you…are, how grateful I am that you have gone above and…beyond that of a friend, or how much…"

Maura dropped the notebook on the floor and lifted her hands up in front of her. She could have spoken the words, but she liked the silence. She wanted to show Jane how much she appreciated her and she had to make it stand out. She rested one hand against her chest, then curled her fingers up into the shape of a heart before pointing one finger across to Jane.

A new silence settled over them, one that Maura couldn't judge. She desperately hoped that Jane would accept her apology, but feared that it would be another step in the opposite direction. When Jane placed the pack of beers on the floor then lifted her fingers into a heart and pointed back, Maura's eyes filled with tears.

"Don't," said Jane, her lips curled. "You're gonna make me."

"I'm sorry," said Maura, pawing at her eyes.

"Here," said Jane, pulling a bottle from the pack and handing it to Maura.

* * *

**Author Note****: So, from the last couple of chapters it seems most people are either Team Maura or Team Jane, which one are you?**


	19. Chapter 19: Jane

**Author Notes: You guys. You're just so amazing. I ask you whether you're Team Maura or Team Jane, and so many of you have said you're Team Rizzles (not that there's anything wrong with being on Team Maura, or Team Jane, of course). Thank you to everyone who has favourited, followed, or commented on this story. I can't believe that I've had more comments on the last three chapters than I have on the seven chapters before them. You are making me not want to go to work tomorrow so that I can write, and write, and write. Many years ago I wrote prolifically for months, and the amount of support I got from people reading was fantastic. I have not felt that in a long time. So thank you, thank you all.**

* * *

Jane stretched a hand across the couch to Maura's and said "I'm sorry, for leaving you."

"It's okay," Maura smiled down at their hands. "I think, it was…right."

"You were vulnerable," said Jane. She stared at the wall in front of them. "I hate that I left you."

"Don't."

Jane rested the top of the beer bottle against her bottom lip and poured the liquid into her mouth. She let go of Maura's fingers and wiped at her chin. Everything felt different. She didn't know if it was an expectation, or whether something really had changed, but Jane felt hopeful.

"I went, I saw." Maura clenched her fist around her bottle of beer, her knuckles turned white under the pressure. "A doctor."

"Postpartum?" Jane asked, turning her head towards Maura. She nodded. "I'm glad, Maura. Not that you have it, but that you're sorting it."

"Toby's with Jack," she said, swilling a mouthful of beer around her mouth before swallowing it.

"Should you be drinking that?" Jane asked, her eyes wide as she realised what she'd done. "You shouldn't."

"One's okay." She placed the bottle on the table in front of them and sat back again. "It'll go…before."

"So, Toby's with Jack."

"All day." Maura took her notepad and scribbled on a fresh sheet of paper. 'After I went to Doctor Lister's office, I met with Jack. He offered to take Toby, so I let him. I went and had a massage. It was amazing. He told me he leaves in three days.'

"He's going already?" Jane practically threw her beer bottle on the table and sat upright. She turned to face Maura. "Does that man even care how hard this is for you? Does he even know?"

"He knows."

"Then why is he leaving you?"

"I do, don't know."

"When you go pick up Toby, can I punch him?"

Maura rested a hand on Jane's upper arm. "No, Jane."

"But I really wanna punch him," said Jane. "He makes me so mad."

"I know."

"You know what else makes me mad? I have to go back to work full time next week," said Jane. "I love my job, but I love you more."

After everything that had happened, Jane didn't want to have to tell her that her life was to return to normal. Whatever that meant. She couldn't play wife anymore. Even though it broke her heart to leave Maura alone, to not be there when she still desperately needed her.

"Good," said Maura. "Yo, you'll get…a break."

"You won't," Jane said.

"I'll be okay."

"Will you?"

"I don't, don't know."

A couple hours later, Maura and Jane were sat watching comedy reruns on television, a box of pizza between them. At some point they'd given up the cautious conversation and deep and meaningfuls. Jane welcomed the sense of calm that settled between them. She rested her head on Maura's shoulder. Behind the pain, she couldn't escape the thoughts that travelled through her mind faster than an Olympic sprinter. Maura sat beside her looking better than she had in weeks and Jane felt an overflowing sense of love. If things were different she would have scooped her up in her arms and placed kisses along her collarbone. But things weren't different. Maura didn't know how she felt.

"Oh no," Maura shouted, sitting forwards and folding her arms across her chest. Jane shifted on the couch and turned to face her.

"What's wrong?"

"Milk," she said, pulling her hands away and glancing down at the circular patches of milk seeping into her clothing. "I forgot."

"It's okay," said Jane, standing up.

"No, it's not," Maura said, her eyes filled with tears. She ran her fingers along her lower eyelids and wiped the tears away.

"Maura," Jane said, sitting back down and taking one of her hands. "It's okay. It doesn't matter. Toby's not here to make sure this doesn't happen. It's fine."

"But, I," she trailed off, her cheeks reddened as a couple of tears strolled along her skin.

Jane squeezed Maura's hand and smiled at her. "It's okay. You can get yourself cleaned up and everything will be fine."

A few days later, Jane sat on Maura's living room floor with the baby on his back staring up into her eyes. She rested a hand on his stomach and jiggled him about until his face lit up. His mouth hung open as his eyes grew wider. Jane laughed.

"You can't…drop this, on me." Maura's voice grew louder as she entered the room.

"Why not?" Jack asked.

"Not today, you're going," Maura said, letting out a loud sigh.

Jane rested her head on the floor beside the baby and pretended that she wasn't there. Toby turned his head a little in her direction. She shouldn't eavesdrop, but they knew she was there watching the baby. It wasn't her fault they'd obviously forgotten that fact.

"Does it matter when?" Jack perched on the back of the couch. "At least now we can discuss it."

"No," said Maura.

"No you won't consider it, or no we can't discuss it?"

"Discuss, I don't know…"

"You need time."

"I do."

"Then I'll go home and you can call me when you've reached a decision."

In the hope of pretending that she hadn't been listening to their conversation, Jane focused all of her attention on the baby. She covered her face and removed her hands quickly, hoping that she'd get some sort of reaction from him.

"He's too young to laugh," Jack said.

Jane rolled her eyes and turned around. "You still here? I thought your flight was today."

"I have to leave now," Jack said, kneeling down on the floor and picking up Toby. "I wanted to say goodbye to my boy first."

She pressed down on the rug and lifted herself up onto her knees before climbing to her feet. Jane analysed Maura's expression as she walked around the side of the couch. Given that the conversation had not included her, she didn't want to just jump in with questions until she was sure it was the right thing. When Jack handed the baby back to Maura and left, Maura handed the baby to Jane and walked out of the room.

"Okay, now I know something's wrong," she said, marching after Maura with the baby in her arms. "Maura, talk to me."

"I need," she said, rubbing her temple with a couple of fingers. "To think."

"About?"

"Not now, Jane," she said, walking up the stairs.

"I'm not going anywhere, Maura," Jane said, following her towards her bedroom.

"Not now," Maura said again, closing the door behind her.

Jane lifted the baby up in front of her and put on her baby-voice. "Your Mama needs some space, yes she does."

By the time the sun had set and darkness threatened to envelop the house, Jane had put the baby down in his crib and read him a story. He was so young that he probably didn't even understand anything she said, but she wanted to do it anyway. Besides, she'd started reading the book one night and wanted to know how it ended.

"Spaghetti?" Jane asked, when Maura eventually surfaced. She stirred a pan on the stove and watched the sauce bubble up as the ingredients cooked. Spaghetti always made her think of her mother's cooking. There was not a memory in her childhood that she couldn't connect to it in one way or another.

"Jack wants us." Maura paused, carefully selecting each word. "To move…to New Mexico."

Jane dropped the spoon in the pan. Sauce splashed her clothes and the counter. A splattering burned into the skin of her wrist, but she didn't notice. Jane stared at Maura like people stare at car wrecks. Her heart sped up and a lump settled uncomfortably in the back of her throat.

"I," she said, her voice trailing off into the ether. Out of all of the things Jane had worried about with Jack's return, him wanting to take Maura and Toby away was not one of them. "Are you?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to?"

"I want Toby, he should, Jack should be there."

"In New Mexico?"

The anguish covering Maura's face as she stop started several times, trying to get her words out, made the lump in Jane's throat all the more painful. She thought of the tiny boy sleeping in her arms barely thirty minutes earlier. He stared at her with a look of knowing. His memory was probably as reliable as a goldfishes, but he knew her, and she knew him. Then there was Maura.

Eventually Maura noted down what she wanted to say and handed it to Jane.

"'I've been struggling with everything. I know you're here and you've been wonderful, but I can't expect you to do it forever. We're not your family. I'm not Jack's either, but Toby is. I don't know if this is the right thing, but I'm seriously considering it. Jack made some calls, and there's a world class speech therapist who works in Albuquerque. The man I'm working with here is good, but I've heard of Doctor Sidhu, and she's the best, Jane. I'm sorry.'" Jane dropped the paper on the kitchen counter and shook her head. "Don't be sorry for wanting the best for you and your son."

"But it's New Mexico," she said, her eyes filling with tears.

Jane grasped at Maura's hand and held it between them. "It's New Mexico," she said, trying to take her emotions out of the equation. "But you need to do what you think is right. What you think is the best thing for you and Toby."

She didn't know where her rational words were coming from. Jane forced a smile onto her face as she held tightly to Maura's hand. Inside her whole body ached with a loss she feared was about to come. She loved Maura more with each passing moment, and she couldn't bear the thought of living each day without her right there. Then there was Toby.

They ate the spaghetti in silence. Jane could see it in Maura's eyes that her mind was working faster than usual. Deciding whether to move interstate wasn't easy. But staying wasn't either. Jane knew that what Jack was asking made sense. With her brain injury, there was nothing keeping Maura in the city. She couldn't work. Toby was too young to remember very much. So what better time to start their lives, in a new place, with a specialist who could help Maura recover faster?

Once Maura had slipped off to her bedroom, Jane retreated to the spare room. She lay in the darkness staring up at the ceiling. Whether she loved Maura or not - which she did - Jack was Toby's father and he would win. She knew he would win. If it was a choice between staying somewhere because of your friend, or allowing your son to have a proper family, her gut told her she would probably choose family, too. But she couldn't lose them. She couldn't lose Maura.

* * *

**Author Note: I hope you don't hate me for throwing another spanner in the works...but it had to be done!**


	20. Chapter 20: Maura

**Author Note: Sneaky chapter writing at work. I only have 9 days left on my contract, so there's not a lot to do anyway. I got called a review whore (I assume that was the word, anyway), which made me laugh. I'm sorry if some of you haven't been entirely happy with how much drama there has been, but I'm also an angst whore, love the stuff. I've also had 95% of this story planned from the beginning (I didn't know Jane was going to have a one night stand, she surprised me with that, and Maura wasn't supposed to have a brain injury, only postpartum after some other pregnancy incident, but stories like to take the reigns and drag me off kicking and screaming, haha) so everything's almost been leading to this point. Thank you for all of the lovely reviews, favourites and follows. If you've just joined us, thank you for jumping on the fast-moving roller coaster.**

* * *

The lunchtime rush at the Dirty Robber had slowed down when Jane walked in. She slid into the booth opposite Maura and signalled to her mother for service. Maura clung to her hands in her lap and watched Toby sleeping. A week had passed since Jack asked her to go to New Mexico and though she'd made her decision days ago, waiting to tell Jane was the hardest part.

"What's up?" Jane asked, drinking a mouthful of her soda water.

Usually Maura hated to share drinks, the transfer of saliva - and potential diseases - was enough to stop her. But she didn't want to start a disagreement about it. Not now.

"I'm going," she said, lifting her hands onto the table and interlinking her fingers.

Jane lifted a couple of fries from her plate. "Going where?"

"New Mexico."

Jane stopped chewing. Her eyes fixed on Maura's, stopping only momentarily to blink. Maura stared back. Gauging Jane's reaction was near on impossible. The signs were not positive. Eventually Jane swallowed, her eyes scrunched up as though she'd had too much in her throat.

"Say something," Maura said.

She didn't.

An uncomfortable flutter settle in the pit of Maura's stomach. She turned her attention to Toby, in the hope of remaining calm in that moment. She focused on his tiny face staring at them, a blank canvas waiting to be moulded by the people in his life. She didn't want him to go through life without Jane's influence. She could be reckless at times, but she took risks Maura could only dream of taking. She was everything Maura wasn't and many things she wanted for her son. She longed for him to be brave, thoughtful and good at sports. Sensitive, but strong. If she could take the best characteristics and instil them in Toby, then she would.

Angela placed Jane's burger on the table and handed her a glass of cola.

"Bon appetite," she said and walked back towards the bar.

Maura leant forwards. "It won't be forever."

In truth, she didn't know how long it'd be for. Whilst she wanted her son to have Jane in his life, she always wanted him to have his father. Same-sex parents proved that he wasn't a necessity for a fulfilling life. But Maura and Jane were not a couple and he was not merely their sperm donor. Whilst Jane could be there now, if she settled down and decided to have children of her own, then Maura couldn't rely on her to be more than a loveable aunt. Jack wanted to be involved and though his actions had been questionable at times, she couldn't turn him down. What if she did? What if the decision she made for Toby was one that created resentment from her son in later life? She had to try. Even if it didn't work out.

Jane pursed her lips and remained silent. It quickly became unpalatable.

"Say something," Maura whispered. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Jane. In the short-term it would be inevitable. In time she hoped that everything would work out for the best. Many friends lived across country from each other, across the world. They'd invented Skype and Facetime for a reason. Though neither provided the physical comfort they sometimes required.

"I have to go back to work," Jane said, wrapping up her burger in a napkin. She stood up and took a couple of steps towards the door. Maura could see her stop out of the corner of her eye. She opened her mouth to respond, but her voice would not work. For the first time in weeks, she couldn't blame her brain injury. Before she found something to say, Jane continued across the bar and out the door.

The baby fussed in his stroller. Maura unlocked the break and pushed it back and forth. He hushed down briefly before his cries became more forceful. When they hit screams, she unbuckled him and held him against her chest. His mouth started working overtime, sucking thin air. She lifted her shirt and unhooked her bra. When he latched on, Toby settled instantly. She took his blanket out of the stroller and covered him enough to maintain some privacy.

"Janey looked mad," Angela said, sitting down opposite Maura. "Are you moving to New Mexico?"

Tears filled her eyes as she nodded her head. She clung to the baby to keep him steady as her shoulders shook with the onset of tears. Angela clutched her hand and they sat there for a while. When Maura's tears receded, she realised the tugging of Toby feeding has subsided. She lowered her shirt and lifted the baby up onto her shoulder.

"Are you doing it for Toby?" Angela asked.

"Of course," Maura replied.

"Then you're doing the right thing."

Deep down Maura knew that her actions were entirely justified. Whilst she considered Jane as much her family as her parents, and she had supported her in ways she couldn't even describe, the last few months had taken them to break point. She owned her part in that, and so did Jane, but aside from the benefits to Toby, Maura worried that a future in Boston could potentially pull them farther apart. That broke her heart as much as leaving Jane.

"How can y, you...be sure?"

"You're a mother now," said Angela. "If you do something for your child, your reasons are honourable."

"If my...actions aren't?"

Angela patted Maura's hand. "Mothers kill to protect their children. You can take Toby interstate without feeling guilty."

It took a few days to pack everything that they needed in the short term. Maura's hope was that if they needed anything else, it was the perfect opportunity to come home for a visit. She placed a teddy bear into the top of a box and closed it, taping it shut.

"We're going to visit Daddy," said Maura, picking Toby up and sitting on the rocking chair with him in her lap. He stared at her, his little eyes curiously watching her.

She settled him on her knee and dialled Jane's cell phone number. It rang out a couple of times before cutting to her voicemail. Maura sighed. She tried everything but Jane wouldn't take her calls. She visited the police station and Jane walked out of the room before she could say a word, then didn't return, at least until after she'd gone. The three times she went to Jane's apartment, she wouldn't open the door. Their flight was booked. She had less than thirty-six hours to say her goodbyes.

Maybe going to New Mexico was worse than her and Jane's relationship becoming strained. Maybe by going she'd nailed the coffin shut. She dialled Angela's number.

"She won't answer," she said, pawing at the tears lingering on her cheeks. If anyone could get Jane to talk to her, it was Angela.

"She's ignoring my calls, too," said Angela.

"I can't go," Maura said, jiggling her knees when Toby started fussing. "I need to...see her...first."

"By hook or by crook I will get her to the party tonight, you mark my words," Angela said.

She hoped she was right, but deep down Maura knew Jane's stubborn streak would probably win over. If it meant facing something emotionally difficult, Jane was like a mouse hiding in a hole. Where her physical bravery won out, she didn't deal well with personal things.

"She cares about you, Maura, you and the baby," Angela said. "Though I worry that she's too attached to Toby."

"Why would," Maura's voice trailed off.

They'd discussed it during her pregnancy but life had been so hectic since Toby was born that it hadn't occurred to Maura that there would be anything wrong. She'd lost a child and now Maura was about to take Toby away from her, too. Was Angela right? Jane had treated Toby like her son, and Maura was grateful that she'd given his care some priority. She appreciated everything she'd done but were her reasons less about Maura and Toby and more about her and her own grief?

"I'll see you tonight," said Maura, hanging up the phone.

She rested Toby on his back on her knees, just like Jack and Jane had done, and rocked them back and forth. Had she been so caught up in her own things that she forgot to consider the impact on Jane, again? More significantly, was Jane there for her and the baby because she wanted to support her or was she there because it was the only way she could deal with her own loss?

Maura walked into the Dirty Robber a couple of hours later with Toby in a sling on her front. She wrapped her arms around his back and cradled him. Their flight the next morning would be his first. Though flying was still the safest form of travel, Maura's protective instinct made it harder than she had expected. She searched the room, accepting a glass of orange juice handed to her as she walked towards the bar. She couldn't see Jane, but Angela stood behind the bar with a smile spread across her face. Maura would miss her warmth, her friendship. She sat down on a stool nearby and waited for her to come over. She would do the rounds and thank everyone for coming later.

"You made it," said Angela, covering Maura's hand with hers and giving it a squeeze.

"Thank you," Maura said. "For doing this."

"Someone had to give you a good send off."

"Is Jane here?"

"She's out the back," Angela said. "If she's not out here in ten minutes, I'm going to open up a can of whoop-ass."

"Thank you," Maura said again. "For everything."

Angela's eyes glistened as she fanned her face with her hands. "You're gonna make me cry."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You have lit up our world, Maura." Angela wiped at her eyes. "Now go and enjoy your party. You deserve it."


	21. Chapter 21: Jane

**Author Note: Thank you to everyone for your comments, you're all just so lovely. I know some of you are struggling with the amount of angst, but we're in the final stretch here, not many chapters to go. So I hope you'll stick with it.**

**I've been thinking for most of this story that I will write a sequel, whilst I can't guarantee it won't be as angsty as this story, I'm hoping it'll be a little more fun in many ways. Would you be up for that? I feel like this is just the beginning, and although a lot has happened, there's so much more that could come next.**

**In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

The crate of beers Jane sat on provided little comfort as she ate a bag of chips. She carefully selected each one, opened her mouth wide and attempted to place it between her lips without touching either of them. The game made little sense. Though she didn't realise how large her mouth could get when she really wanted it to. Avoiding Maura became her primary goal and she knew that she was playing with borrowed time. Eventually her mother would drag her out of the back room, whether she was kicking and screaming, or followed amiably. She intended to do neither. She was a grown woman and she would do what she damn well pleased. Except that she was a grown woman hiding in a store room because she didn't know how to tell her best friend not to leave her.

"Jane Clementine Rizzoli, you get your ass in that bar before I spank you." Angela marched over to her with a wooden stick they used to open the window at the back. Jane winced and stood up.

"Touch me with that and I'll arrest you, Ma," she said, knowing full well that she wouldn't humiliate herself by escorting her mother into the police station for hitting her on the behind.

"You wouldn't dare."

"I'm not going," Jane said, placing her empty chip bag into the trash can and folding her arms.

Angela dropped the stick on the ground. It bounced a couple of times before lying flat. In the distraction, Jane didn't notice her mother stepping towards her. She attempted to lift her arms to push her away, but she slid both arms around Jane's waist and held her.

"Don't do this to yourself, baby girl." She swiped Jane's hair away from her face. "You're angry, and you're hurt. But if you don't talk to her, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life."

Emotional blackmail. Angela's choice of weapon had the potential to be deadlier than even violence. Jane stood limp, enveloped in her mother's arms, resistant to her demands but fully compliant. If she didn't at least see Maura, regardless of how briefly, she would regret it.

The crowd in the bar brought a smile to Jane's face. Every single person was there to see Maura and Toby off. She had friends, lots of them. A true testament to the lives she'd touched. Jane cleared her throat. It ached. Why would Maura leave so many people who loved her?

"Hi," she whispered. Angela stood behind her, emotionally prodding her forwards.

Maura turned around, her whole face lit up. "Jane."

"I just wanted to say goodbye." She felt like an awkward teenager being forced to say farewell to an elderly relative, going through the motions even though it was the most uncomfortable thing. She leant forwards and wrapped her arms around Maura. When she felt Maura's hands on her back, Jane pulled away. "I'll see you around."

She wiped a couple of tears from her cheek on her way out of the bar. The cool night air hit her stained cheeks. She pawed at them again, desperate to remove any sign of emotion. She cleared her throat and ran across to the police station to pick up her car.

Jane pulled up at the batting cages. After collecting her equipment from the trunk, she positioned herself opposite the machine and waited for the first ball to fly out. She missed it. When the second came she'd positioned herself better. She swung her arms. A loud crack rang through the air. Jane lowered her arms and watched the ball fly into the net. Several balls later and she felt a rush of adrenaline running through her. She prepared for another shot.

"Can I hit?"

She spun around at the sound of Maura's voice, swinging the bat along with her and a ball hit her on the arm. She dropped the bat and turned off the machine.

"Are you okay?" Maura rushed towards her with her hands outstretched, but Jane held her hands out to stop her.

"I'm fine." The bruise forming on her arm hurt less than the current situation. By following her there, Maura had taken what little control Jane had over the situation away and she resented the fact. "How did you find me?"

"Frankie. He says," Maura glanced around the batting cage. "You're here a lot."

Jane took off her helmet and placed it beside the bat. "It was this or hide in my closet."

She allowed herself to smile. The joke wasn't funny, but Maura smiled back.

"I h, hate this."

"Me too."

"I leave…tomorrow."

"What are you doing here, Maura?"

Deep down she was glad that Maura came. She didn't really want to end things the way they had at the bar. They'd been through too much together for it to end so disastrously. But Jane couldn't help how she felt.

"Cordial isn't good enough," Maura said, pursing her lips.

"Yeah, well," Jane said. "I don't want you to go."

"You don't...get to," Maura paused. "Decide."

"But Jack does?"

"No." Maura stepped forwards. "I decide."

Jane sat down on the floor and ran her fingers across the ground. Opting out was the only way she knew to protect herself. She picked up the baseball that hit her and tossed it in the air. She span it around and caught it. All she wanted was for Maura to leave her alone to wallow. Nothing would change if they talked about it. She couldn't persuade Maura to stay.

"Is it me, or…just Toby?"

"That's not fair." Jane lifted her head and stared at Maura. "Have you been talking to Ma?"

"She, she made...a val, valid...point."

"She's talking a crock a shit." Maura picked up Jane's equipment bag and placed it carefully on the floor, then lowered herself down beside Jane. "I don't want you to go, I don't want Toby to go. You come together. I don't want to lose either one of you."

"But mostly...my son."

"No, Maura." She slowed down her breathing. The physical exertion had long since passed, but Jane's heart still raced in her chest. "If your son wasn't here, I still wouldn't want you to go."

"Why…ignore me, then?" Maura folded her hands in her lap.

Jane rolled her eyes. "For a genius you can be pretty dim."

"Are you...trying, to...insult me?"

"Never, Maura."

"Tell me."

"There's nothing to say."

"You're lying."

"No."

"Yes."

"No, Maura." Jane leant backwards and rested on her hands. She stretched her legs out in front of her.

"I have all night," Maura said, emulating her.

Jane sat upright again, crossing her legs in front of her. She turned her body to face Maura. "Where's Toby?"

"Angela has him."

"If you stay all night you'll leak again," Jane said. The blow was low. She berated herself for digging herself a hole. What she said wasn't fair. Maura didn't respond. An uncomfortable silence settled between them.

"Don't go, Maura." Jane hated the begging sound in her voice. Her heart thumped inside her chest like a small herd of elephants were marching past. It overwhelmed her. Until that moment she hoped that Maura would change her mind. Seeing her defiance forced it to hit her hard, like she'd been winded.

"I'm sorry," Maura lowered her gaze.

She placed both hands on the floor and pushed herself up onto her feet. Jane stood over her, her arms folded across her chest. "I don't think you are."

"I don't…o, owe you…th, this," Maura said, standing up beside her. Jane took a step back.

"But you do owe me," she said.

"I owe you…a, a lot." She folded her arms in mirror image of Jane. She didn't know why it bothered her so much, but Jane unfolded her arms in defiance. Maura shook her head. "Not this."

The strain in her voice angered Jane. She hated feeling like a slave to her emotions. No matter how many dangerous criminals she battled, she was never strong enough. "What would make you stay?"

"Nothing."

She kicked the ground with the front of her shoe, averting her gaze away from Maura. "Would being in love with you change things?"

"Did you...just say...?" Maura asked, her voice trailing off into the silence.

Jane raised her head and stared into Maura's eyes. Whilst she couldn't say the first few words without looking away, she desperately wanted to see Maura's reaction. Her eyes were full of an emotion she couldn't place.

"I love you, Maura." She kicked the ground again. "Watching you walk back into Jack's arms is the last thing I want to do. So if you want proof that this isn't about Toby, that's it. I love you so much that I can't watch you leave me. I won't do it."

Maura closed her eyes and lowered her head. Impatience was a virtue Jane was handed too much of. She listened to the subtle sounds of the world around them. The thwack of a ball hitting a bat in a nearby batting cage, the sound of it landing on the ground a moment later. The city traffic travelling along the highway.

"Are you going to say anything?" Jane asked, a moment later.

"I don't know," Maura said. She shrugged her shoulders and motioned towards the exit. "I should go."

She stared at Maura as she turned to walk away. Jane clenched her jaw. She kicked at the ground again. "Walk away then. Show me how much I mean to you."

"That's not fair." Maura stopped and turned back. She shook her head. She opened her mouth several times before closing it again. Watching Maura struggle so much with her words never got easier. "Y, you can't drop...that. You can't...tell me that."

"I already did, Maur," she said, attempting to push all other feelings aside. Her heart thumped so hard that it felt like it was trying to beat its way out of her chest. Jane clutched both hands together under her chin.

"No," Maura said, shaking her head. "I can't, explain…I don't, I can't."

"Then go," said Jane, turning her back.

When she turned around again a moment later, Maura was gone. A heavy weight crushed her chest. Jane let out a gasp and tears built in her eyes, flowing freely down her cheeks until she could barely see anything in front of her. Her knees gave way and she landed on the ground. She leant forwards, placing her hands on the floor in front of her. With each gasping sob, she forced herself to breath.

After a several minutes, she cleared her throat and wiped her eyes. The stained trails of tears covered her red cheeks as she set herself up for another shot. She replaced her helmet and held out the bat. When the ball came flying out of the machine, she smacked it so hard that it flew through the net and out the other side.

* * *

**Author Note: Sorry, but, this was always how it was going to go...sometimes it's just got to get worse before it can get better.**


	22. Chapter 22: Maura

**Author Notes: Thank you everyone for the comments, favourites and follows, as always. I think I will be flying downhill towards the ending of this story. I don't anticipate anymore gaps (aside from normal sized ones) in my posting. We are so close to the end. And I'm going to be late for work if I don't get ready...so I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

The flight landed in Albuquerque shortly after four in the afternoon. Toby slept through much of the last few hours, but the second the plane touched down, he kicked his legs out and screamed loudly. Maura hushed against his ear, begging him to quieten down. She could hear a couple of comments from other passengers in the wait for the doors to open, but passed them off. For their first flight, it could have been a lost worse.

"Thank you," Maura said when a man helped her drag her large suitcases off the baggage reclaim and onto a trolley.

In the arrivals lounge, Maura felt a sense of relief when she spotted Jack waiting for them.

"Look who's here," Maura said, lifting Toby out of the sling and turning him round to face Jack.

"You made it!" Jack smiled as Maura approached.

He reached his hands out to Toby and she handed him across. After nearly ten hours in close proximity with her son, with no place to allow him to sleep other than on her lap, she was exhausted. Her mouth opened wide, and she covered her yawn with her hand.

"Let's get you back to my place," Jack said, cradling the baby. "You look like you need a sleep."

The original plan, after the party, was to go home and sleep for several hours until they had to go to the airport. But Maura couldn't sleep. In between Toby wanting feeding, his insistence that it wasn't time for bed, and Jane, the last thing Maura achieved was sleep. She tried to close her eyes on the flight, but all hope was lost when a couple in the seats across from her spent the whole day talking.

At some point Maura needed to deal with Jane's revelation. Yet she pushed it aside once again as she followed Jack to his car. Too much was happening. Falling pregnant was not supposed to be the start of such a difficult journey. Giving birth to her son was meant to be the best thing she ever did. Whilst the medication the doctor had given her had eased the very worst of her symptoms, the road to recovery was a long one. The only flicker of light at the end of the tunnel was the specialist she'd booked in to see the following week.

Jack started up the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. They drove through the city. "I'm so glad you came."

"Me too," said Maura, pushing aside the small sliver of doubt that crept into her mind.

"I've made up the spare room, you can stay until you've got somewhere else sorted. Then I can turn it into a nursery for Toby. I already purchased a crib."

Tears pricked at Maura's eyes. Whilst Toby's room back in Boston was his nursery, she hadn't found the time to turn it into the magazine-perfect room she'd envisaged. Jane built the crib in the days after they came home from the hospital, and the room still had a layer of white paint on the walls ready for the Timid Absinthe green. It did not scream nursery when you looked at it. She promised herself that when they got settled, she would give Toby the nursery she'd always wanted him to have.

"You get some rest," Jack said, placing Toby on a brand new play mat. "I'll keep the little man occupied."

She was too exhausted to argue. Maura followed Jack's directions up to the second floor where she lifted the bed covers and slid underneath, fully clothed. She wrapped the sheets around her body and rested her head on the pillow.

Once again Jane flashed into her mind. She didn't know how else to push her away. Eventually she would have to deal with it. She just didn't know how to. Jane was _in love _with her. To say that she was surprised was an understatement. Given everything she had to think about, was it any wonder she'd completely missed whatever signals Jane might have given off? She didn't even realise women were on the table for Jane. She'd never discounted the concept for herself, but whether she knew that Jane might be interested in women or not, it didn't change the fact that Jane was in love with her.

Somewhere in the middle of her thought process, she switched off. When she came to again, Maura was still in the small bed in Jack's spare room. Toby was making noises from the crib in the corner. In the distance she could hear Jack's raised voice.

"He is your brother, what do you expect me to do?"

Maura pushed the sheets away and climbed out of the bed. She scooped Toby out of the crib and rested him against her shoulder. They sat down on the window seat. She hated to eavesdrop but she was a stranger in Jack's house. It would have been worse to go about her morning routine and disrupt the conversation going on downstairs.

"I like Maura, but it's weird," Allie said. Maura sat up straighter. It had been nearly a year since she'd seen Allie. For a while she considered the relationship they could have now that she was living in Albuquerque. The conversation going on downstairs made her wonder if her anticipation was a mistake.

"You haven't even met him. He's a great kid."

"He's a baby, he doesn't do anything but eat, sleep, and poop."

She fed Toby as she waited for the conversation to quieten down. When she checked her cellphone, she was surprised to find out that it was the next morning. She'd slept through the afternoon and night. She sent a couple of messages to friends to inform them of her safe arrival.

"It's okay," Maura said, rocking Toby back and forth as he screamed out. She jiggled him around in her arms, but still he wouldn't settle.

There was a soft tapping on her door. Maura invited the person to enter the room and Jack opened the door.

"Good morning," he said, reaching immediately for Toby. Maura let him take him and settled back onto the window seat. "I hope you slept well."

"Very," Maura said. "Thank you."

"I need to go and drop Allie at school, will you be alright making yourself some breakfast? When I come back you can take the car out, have a look around. I'll watch Toby."

That evening whilst Jack dropped Allie off at a friend's for a sleepover and did some prep for his lectures, Maura put Toby down and cooked dinner. Exploring the city allowed Maura to find out where the nearest stores were; she signed up with a real estate agent, picked up a few non-essential items she didn't want to pack and went for a massage. Aside from missing Toby, she enjoyed the headspace to think about nothing. Though Jane crept into her mind frequently, she pushed the thoughts aside.

"Something smells good," Jack said, lifting the pan lid and smelling the steam as it rose from the sauce.

"It's pork," Maura said, taking a deep breath. "With Dijon, Mar, Marsala…sauce."

"Sounds amazing," he said, resting his hand on the base of Maura's spine. "I just got a call from my friend Vinny, he wants to go grab a few beers. I'll be late so don't wait up."

"But, the pork," said Maura.

"I'm gonna to grab a burger at the bar, I'm sure the Dijon whatsit will keep. There's Tupperware in the cupboard beside the grill."

Maura watched the door close behind Jack. Her shoulders sunk. She turned off the Dijon Marsala sauce and placed the pork tenderloins back into their packet in the refrigerator. She wasn't feeling particularly hungry. She just wanted to do something nice to thank Jack for his hospitality.

Instead she went up to her room and watched Toby sleeping, then she curled up in bed and reached for her cellphone. She longed to send Jane a message, to go back to the days during her pregnancy when she'd contact her in the middle of the night and they'd message back and forth for hours. She flicked through her inbox. The last message from Jane was so long ago that she couldn't even remember why it was sent.

She loved Jane. They were best friends. That was the truth that Maura had known for several years. Throughout that time there was no expectation that their friendship would be anything else. The mere consideration felt too huge. She needed to focus on Toby, and on Jack. They'd never been a family before. Navigating that relationship would take time, and effort, and Maura wanted to make it work. For that reason alone, she forced Jane out of her mind again and tried to focus on what she wanted now.

The next morning, Maura woke early. She logged onto her laptop and checked her email. The sabbatical approval she'd requested from work had been accepted. She didn't doubt for a second that it would be, but it was a weight off her mind. Doctor Pike had already taken over as interim Chief whilst she was off sick. An old email caught Maura's eye, she clicked on Jane's name.

'Places we should take the baby when he gets here:

The zoo so he can meet Uncle Bass

A baseball game

To Giovanni's to show him 'our' son

The police station

The labs (but he can't see a dead body until he's older)

The funfair (one of us can take him on the carousel while the other waves)

The park

On the Swan Boats

A strip club*

*I'm joking, I wouldn't suggest taking a baby to a strip club, though he'll have seen your boobs more times than most people.'

He lips curved into a smile and she felt a tugging at her heart. Maura pressed a finger to her lower eyelid to remove the tears building up. Everything before felt like a lifetime away. There was a life before the baby and a life after. Before was filled with ideas for the future, excitement and anticipation. Other than Toby himself, the after was shadowed in a dark cloud. Maura hadn't see the sun in a long time.

She made herself some breakfast and sat down at the kitchen table. By the time she'd finished, Jack surfaced looking a little worse for wear.

"Good night?"

"Vinny's a drinker," he laughed, sitting opposite her.

Maura stood up and grabbed the box of granola she'd picked up the day before. "Want some?"

"Nah," Jack said, rubbing his stomach. "Not sure I could eat anything for a couple hours."

She lowered herself back onto the chair facing Jack. "I thought...we could."

The words clung to the back of her throat like spaghetti in a tin. She coughed a couple times and cleared her throat. Her appointment with the specialist couldn't come soon enough.

"Spend some time…together, today." She pushed through the frustration. "The zoo…the park? When Allie's…home."

"Sorry, Maura," Jack said, shaking his head. "I have plans. I've had today booked up for weeks."

"Oh." She forced a smile onto her face, though inside disappointment threatened to consume her.

"Allie really wanted to go to a game, I have a colleague who got us VIP tickets. I only have two." Jack reached out to Maura's hand. "I could take Toby, he wouldn't need a seat, you could have some time to yourself."

"No," she said, unlatching her hand from Jack's and placing it in her lap with her other one. She couldn't betray Jane by allowing Jack to take Toby for his first baseball game. That was one thing on the list she couldn't hand over to someone else. Besides, he was too young. "It's okay."

"Well, the offer's there." He rolled his eyes. "Though I think Allie might never forgive me if I bring her little brother along. She's, shall we say, a little tense about the whole thing."

"Of course," Maura said, remembering their conversation the day before. "It's change."

"She was surprised, when I told her," he said, clasping his hands on the table in front of them. "Kinda pissed actually. But she's a teenager, babies aren't really her thing."

Maura nodded. "Maybe we…could go tomorrow."

"I can't tomorrow."

"Oh."

"Look, Maura," Jack said, glancing down at the table then back up at her. "You've only just arrived. It'll take a while to settle in, I'm sure we'll have more time later."

"Okay."

"I should get ready, but you should go to the park," Jack said, standing up and kissing the side of her head. "I'll see you later."


	23. Chapter 23: Jane

**Author Note: For the first time in 11 years I've had to remove a guest comment for abuse. The worst thing is that the abuse wasn't entirely directed to me. Can I please ask that if you are angry at me - or any other writer - for something we have written, you take a step back and consider the following:**

**1) We don't have to write fanfiction. We do it because we enjoy writing. We are providing you with FREE entertainment and ask for nothing in return. If people are abusive, we stop sharing.**

**2) It is fiction. Feel free not to like it, but the author will always be the one who makes the decisions.**

**3) Posting abuse as a guest is low. If you're going to do it, at least own the comments and don't just hide behind a computer screen.**

**I will not accept bullying of any kind. I never have and I never will. I leave guest comments open because I don't like to restrict people commenting. Not all of the comments have been nice, but I have let them wash over me. This one I cannot.**

**To everyone else, thank you for favouriting, following and for your comments. They make me feel so honoured to have you reading my story. We don't all see eye to eye on where things are going, or where things have come from, but that doesn't matter. You have my eternal gratitude.**

**Apologies that was so long, onwards with Jane…**

* * *

Jane fell back against her pillow, her heartbeat thumping in her ears and her breathing laboured. She closed her eyes and listened to the silence. Her hand ached and she felt anything but satisfied. She pulled the bed sheets up around her waist and rolled over onto her side. Maura's face never left her mind. The apartment was no emptier than usual, but it felt like it was. Her cellphone buzzed on her bedside table. Jane lifted her hands up above her head and stretched outwards. Then she answered her phone.

"What have we got?" Jane asked, on arriving at the crime scene fifteen minutes later. She was vaguely aware of the mess her hair was in, and though she'd intended to spray herself with deodorant, she'd slipped out into the night without doing so.

"Man fell out of a tree," said Korsak, holding his flashlight on the scene in front of them.

"You called me out in the middle of the night for a clumsy birdwatcher?" Jane asked.

Korsak smiled. "As funny as that would be, I called you out because the birdwatcher's eyes have been removed."

"By birds?" Jane ducked, covering the top of her head as she looked around the park. After an unfortunate incident with a pigeon on her sixth birthday, the very thought of having her eyes pecked out made her feel sick.

"No," said Korsak, coming to a standstill beside the body.

"By an ice cream scoop," said Nina, her eyes wide with excitement as she knelt on the floor beside Doctor Pike.

Jane covered her mouth and turned her head away. The man's tortured body lay in a tangled mess on the ground. She pushed through her anxiety and searched his body. The portable lights provided just enough visibility for her to make out other physical injuries.

"How did he fall out of the tree and break both ankles?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," said Nina. "I knew I should have come out sooner. I always miss the good stuff."

"Good stuff?" Jane raised an eyebrow.

"You can't tell me you don't get some thrill out of crime scenes," said Nina.

Jane took a step towards Nina, her height was an advantage she made the most of. "The only thrill I get is from catching whichever sick son of a bitch did this."

"You and me both, Rizzoli," Nina said, standing up as tall as she could.

"It's good to see you at a scene," said Jane, her smile reaching the corners of her eyes. "I didn't think you'd make it after the extra round of drinks your ordered last night."

"That's because I didn't go home."

"You're drunk?" Korsak asked, his eyes narrowed at Nina.

She held her hands up. "I never drink on a school night, I just had a late one."

Back at BPD, Jane sat in on Nina's search through the CCTV in the area around the crime scene. The work was tiring but she preferred it over sitting in the autopsy room with Doctor Boring, wondering what Maura was doing at that moment in time. She'd spent too many moments over the last month pining over Maura. When she stood in the elevator she remembered all of the conversations they'd had on the way through the building. In the cafe she thought about Maura's coffee drinking habits and what she wanted for lunch. In the autopsy room, or her office, or the labs, she felt an overwhelming sense of sadness.

"So, I have a friend who is DJing a club night downtown on Saturday. Wanna come along?" Nina asked as she switched to a new set of footage.

Jane perched on the edge of Nina's desk, narrowing her eyes at a man walking down the street not long before the victim's time of death.

"Pause it there," Jane said, pointing at the screen. Nina followed her request. "Reverse it. Play."

"Wait," said Nina, pushing the footage to one side of the screen and opening up the next camera's footage. As the man on the screen walked off one shot, he walked into the other.

"He's headed for the park," said Jane. "Send it out, we need to find that man."

Nina cropped the man in the footage and enhanced the image, placing it in a file which she sent out. She sat back in her chair, folding her arms across her chest.

"What do you say, Rizzoli? You in?"

"In what?"

"Another night out, downtown."

"Do I have to?"

"You know you do," said Nina. "It's come out with me or sit in your apartment feeling sorry for yourself. Trust me, this place is fantastic."

The music pumped through the walls and the floor, sending the whole building into a gentle shake that unsettled Jane's nerves. When they entered the main room, Jane rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"You didn't tell me it was a club," Jane shouted, resting her hand on Nina's shoulder so that she could speak directly into her ear.

"I did," said Nina. "You weren't listening."

"I don't dance," said Jane.

"You don't have to dance."

After ordering them a couple of drinks, Nina handed Jane a bottle of beer and they sat down in a corner away from the loudest point of the club. Jane's mind was pulled in two. When they were in the middle of a case she could rarely think of anything else. The incessant beat of the bass hit her in the head.

"I don't know how long I can stand this," she said.

"Let me guess," Nina said. "You like country?"

"I don't _dis_like country."

Nina rolled her eyes and stood up. She placed her hand on Jane's shoulder and shouted into her ear. "I'm gonna say hello to a couple of people, will you be alright here?" Jane nodded.

By alright, she didn't think she'd shrivel up and die a slow death from being left alone for a short time. But she didn't really want to be there. She could get up and dance, but she saved her best dance moves for the shower. She sat and drank her beer, ordered another, and sat back to watch the people in the club. A couple sat across from her were locked in a moment of passion, their hands tangled up in each other's hair and clothing.

"You look a little lonely," a woman said, sitting down beside her. The close proximity of the woman made her feel uncomfortable. "I haven't seen you here before."

"It's my first time," she said, out of duty rather than desire to entertain the woman in conversation.

"Really?" she shifted up a little closer to Jane and placed a hand on her knee. "I knew I wouldn't forget a face like yours."

Jane stood up, pushing the woman's hands away from her leg. "No, no," she said.

"What are you doing to my friend, Reeny?" Nina asked, wrapping an arm around the woman's shoulder. "Don't scare her away."

"You always bring the best people," Reeny said, squeezing one of Nina's cheeks before walking towards the dancefloor, her hands in the air.

"What is this place?" Jane asked, looking around the room. Her eyes landed on several couples in various stages of intimacy. It was then that she realised the room was full of woman. "Is this a lesbian club?"

"Yeah," said Nina.

"Why would you bring me here?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Nina shrugged. "I saw the way you were looking at that couple over there."

Jane turned around. The couple she'd seen earlier pulled apart long enough for her to realise that they, too, were both woman.

"You don't have to say it, Jane. You're in love with Maura and she left you."

"We weren't together," she said, feeling the need to defend herself. "I'm not, we're not. We weren't."

"But you love her."

"I love her."

"Then you need to get out more," Nina said. "Try something new."

The way Nina stared at Jane - a look of defiance - crushed her defences. She could pretend that she wasn't in love with Maura. Her desire to be with her best friend - the only woman she's ever had feelings for - was a fact. If she really wanted it to be a reality then she had to stop acting like outward sexual attraction to another woman was not something she had faced, or might face again.

"What do you say?" Nina asked, holding her hands out at either side.

Jane pushed her fears aside and took a step forward. She placed a hand on Nina's hip and pressed her lips onto Nina's. The line between work colleague and friend had already been broken, the next step was one that Jane didn't think she'd ever take.

"Wait," Nina said, placing her hands on Jane's shoulders and pushing her away. "I'm not, it was nice, but, I'm not into girls."

"I don't understand," Jane said. "You brought me to a gay club."

"I have a lot of gay friends. But hey, all is not lost," said Nina, smiling. "You tried something new."

"I guess I did." Jane poured the rest of her beer into her mouth and swallowed. "Can I go home now?"

"Come on, Jane," said Nina, tugging at her hand. "At least stay for a couple more drinks."

"Fine," she said.

By one in the morning Jane couldn't barely stand up. She wrapped an arm around Nina's shoulder and stumbled out into the street. Whilst Nina hailed a cab, Jane held onto a parking meter.

"Why did you…I didn't meant to drink that much," said Jane, stumbling over her feet as she reached out for Nina's arm.

"I tried to stop you before the last round of drinks," said Nina, wrapping her hands around Jane's waist as she helped her into the cab.

They barely made it up the stairs and into Jane's apartment. Her lips felt tingly. When Nina closed the apartment door, Jane ran to the sink and hung her head over it. Her stomach churned about.

"That's not a good sign," said Nina, pulling her hair back from Jane's face and tucking it under the top of her shirt. "I think it's time for bed."

"Not yet," said Jane, reaching into her pocket for her cellphone. She unlocked it and flicked through her phone book until she found Maura's number.

"I don't think you want to do that," said Nina, reaching for the phone. But Jane turned around and staggered across to her couch. After a couple of rings, the phone connected.

"Hello, Maura's phone?"

"Jack," Jane said, her heart raced. "Where's Maura?"

"She's checking on Toby," he said. "I can get her to ring you back."

"No, no, no," said Jane, shaking her head. "Where's Maura?"

"She's with Toby. You know what he's like, who would have thought our son would be so demanding?"

"No," said Jane. A heavy weight settled on her chest and she struggled for breath. Jane clutched the phone tightly. "You don't, you, let them come home."

She hung up the phone. Within seconds, it lit up in her hand and buzzed against her fingers. Jane answered it.

"Leave me the hell alone," she shouted.

"Jane?"

Maura's voice was small. So small that if she wasn't so familiar with it, she would have missed it. Jane held the phone out in front of her then pressed the end call button. What had she done? She tapped her foot on the ground, trying to maintain a sense of calm, but a rage overwhelmed her until she threw her phone across the floor. She picked up a pillow from the couch and threw it in the direction of her phone.

"You need to calm down," Nina said, clutching Jane's arm and holding her back.

"No," Jane said, swinging her arm out. Nina ducked and Jane hit a lamp, sending it toppling onto the floor where the lightbulb smashed against the coffee table. She rested her hands on her knees, a wave of sickness hit her with full force. "How can she do this?"

Nina wrapped an arm around Jane's shoulder and guided her into the bedroom. Jane allowed her to tuck her up under the bedsheets.

"What happened?" Nina asked.

"She said life is perfect," Jane replied.

"Perfect?" Nina sat down on the other side of the bed. "Really?"

"Not exactly." Jane stared up into Nina's eyes. "Jack answered, said she was with Toby, like they're some little family. She rang back and I shouted at her. I thought it was him."

She rested her head against Nina's shoulder and clung to her arm. The last few weeks had been the loneliest Jane had had in a long time. Despite Nina forcing her out of the house, it didn't change the fact that Maura wasn't there anymore.

"Will you be my Maura?" she asked.


	24. Chapter 24: Maura

**Author Note: Thank you for all of the favourites, follows and comments, as always I appreciate them all. We're reaching the end. My estimation of 16 chapters was definitely wrong, it's going to be 25 (well, 24, if you discount 'chapter 11'). I hope this chapter clarifies some of the things you have brought up in comments. Onwards with the penultimate chapter...**

* * *

Four weeks, six days and nine hours ago, Maura sat at the airport ready to start her new life. Four weeks, six days and nine hours later she was beginning to think that anticipation was overrated. She spent months planning for Toby's birth only for everything to go wrong. A week after her arrival in New Mexico, Maura expected everything to get better. Nearly four weeks later she sat on her couch staring at her cell phone. Despite all attempts to put Jane out of her mind, hearing her voice again cut Maura's metaphorical heart in half. If blood could seep from the wound, the devastating impact that her brief message had would have bled her dry.

"I'll pick Toby up on Sunday," Jack said, placing the diaper bag on the floor beside the couch. Maura nodded. "You sure you're alright?"

Maura nodded again.

She wasn't.

Jack wasn't even supposed to be there. He dropped Toby off and Maura took him straight to his crib. Maura was under no illusion that Jane had said those words for a reason other than Jack's presence. Whilst she'd never acknowledged it before, on the surface it could be assumed that Maura had left Jane to go and live with Jack.

But she didn't.

All she wanted was for them to be a family. Not two parents in love with each other and their child. That ship had sailed. Maura didn't want to go back there after everything that had happened. She had fallen out of love with Jack somewhere along the journey she'd taken with her son, with Jane. When Jack went back to New Mexico she didn't care. Emotionally, she had let him go. But she couldn't let him go for Toby.

Moving interstate was about keeping her family together. Keeping _Toby's_ family together. She'd acknowledge that earlier in the day when seeing her therapist. She'd thought about it in great detail and it made sense. Everything she felt after Toby's birth was less about her ability to be a mother and more to do with the supportive family home she wanted for her son. The support family home that she had lacked in her own childhood.

That was why she moved to New Mexico. That was why she still held hope, after weeks, that she and Jack could spend time together caring for their child.

_"And Jane?" Doctor Brownstein asked._

_"What about her?"_

_"She poured her heart out to you on the eve of your departure. You've spoken a lot about your son, about Jack. What about Jane? Where does she fit into all of this?"_

_"No," said Maura, shaking her head. "She, I can't…talk about, her."_

She wished she had.

Facing her most difficult emotions on her own overwhelmed her. Surviving each day, when all Toby did was scream, and Jack was busy at work, was the hardest thing Maura had to do. She couldn't face what happened with Jane, too.

But then she called.

Toby's screams came through the baby monitor. Maura moved into action, she dropped her cellphone on the couch and ran through her apartment to Toby's room. When she opened the door he lay on his back, his cheeks were bright red and he screamed louder. Maura reached into the crib and cradled her son.

"It's okay," she said, jiggling him about in her arms. She rocked him back and forth, placed him on her should and moved around. Everything she tried failed. "Come on Toby."

Maura say down beside the crib and placed Toby on her knees, jiggling them about until Toby started to settle. But before he quietened down, he screamed out louder again. Her heart thumped so loudly it reached her ears, barely drowning out the sound of her son's sorrow. She held onto his legs and continued to rock him gently.

"Please," she begged, tugging off her shirt and unhooking her bra. She lifted Toby up onto her naked flesh, angling his head towards her nipple. He wrapped his mouth around it and sucked for a moment, dropping his grip very quickly. "Wh, what do y, you…want?"

Tears strolled down Maura's face. The thumping of her heart beat was joined by the thumping of a headache. She wiped a couple of tears from the end of her nose and continued to sit there with Toby against her skin. She didn't know what else to do. Her whole body shook. They were doing so well. The last few weeks had been easier. She wasn't sure if it was the therapy that was helping her to cope better, or the medication, or having Jack there to lighten the load. But she was beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel, and now she realised it was just a flashlight, and the batteries had failed.

"Please," she said, holding Toby up in front of her. She stared into his tiny, broken face, her knees shaking as she placed a kiss on his cheek. "Mommy l, l, loves you, please stop."

She placed him back in his crib and closed the door. She needed a break. She needed a moment to think, to gather herself. Maura returned to her couch where she picked up her cellphone. Her nature instinct sent her to Jane's number. Her finger hovered over the button for a moment, before she clicked Jack's name.

"Pick up," she said, pacing back and forwards across the room. Tears dripped off the end of her nose and onto her chest, strolling down her skin. Several more followed. "Please pick up."

Maura returned to the nursery, slipped on her shirt, and lifted Toby out of the crib. He continued to screamed. She rested her hand against his forehead. He didn't have a temperature. She changed his diaper, though it was clean. Then she tried to get him to latch on again. Unsuccessfully.

She carried him out to the car and buckled him into his car seat. She climbed into the drivers seat and set off down the road. The journey to Jack's house was stressful. Toby never stopped crying and with tears still streaming down her face, Maura felt her attention wavering. When she pulled up outside Jack's home, she got out of the car, scooped Toby up, and carried him to the door.

"Maura, what are you doing here?" Jack asked, rubbing his eyes. He stood in his boxer shorts, squinting at the light he'd flicked on to answer the door. "It's late. I have work tomorrow."

"I can't do this," she said, thrusting the baby into his arms. "He won't stop."

Jack glanced down at Toby as he squirmed and squawked in his arms. Within seconds, Toby stopped crying. Maura stared in disbelief. She covered her mouth and hunched her shoulders as great gasping sobs controlled her. She held onto the doorframe for support.

"I don't understand," Jack said, placing a hand on Maura's shoulder. She let go of the doorframe and wrapped her arms around Jack's body. His placed a hand on her back and patting her slowly, the comforting embrace Maura was expecting fell short.

She pulled back and wiped at her eyes. "I sh, shouldn't have…come."

"Why don't you come inside?"

The residual effects of her emotions lingered beyond the initial end to her tears. Jack put Toby in his crib, in his other room, and made Maura a drink. She sat on his couch and focused every ounce of her attention on the hot liquid in her mug.

"I thought you were okay now," Jack said, sitting opposite her. "With the postpartum."

Maura laughed. The involuntary reflex took control and she couldn't stop it. Eventually her diaphragm stopped contracting. "It doesn't…it's not simple, Jack…I have good days, and bad days."

"You've not shown up at my house in the middle of the night before."

"I thought it…was getting, e, easier."

Jack sat back and folded his arms. He stared at her. Maura lowered her gaze and tried to pretend that his eyes weren't watching her carefully. She'd made a mistake knocking on Jack's door. But there was nowhere else to turn.

"Maybe you need to go to a facility," Jack said. "I could keep Toby for a while, until you've sorted yourself out."

She sat up straight and placed her mug on the coffee table between them. "No."

"You can't cope, Maura."

"I can," she said. "Most of the time."

"Most of the time isn't good enough if you're going to turn up here in the middle of the night with my son crying like he's being neglected."

She shook her head and wiped at fresh tears. "That's not, I'm not neglecting…I love _my_ son."

"I have no doubt you do, but can you care for him?" Jack placed his hands together and rested his lips against his fingertips. He lifted his gaze back to Maura. "I didn't want to tell you this because I don't know how you feel. I'm in a relationship. I'm going to ask her to marry me."

"Why…are you telling me?" Maura frowned. Who Jack did or didn't want to marry mattered little to Maura. Aside from being a suitable person to be in her son's life, his relationships were of no interest to her.

"Perhaps Toby could come and live with Pauli and I, until you're feeling better."

"No," Maura said. "I said no…I don't, I can cope."

"I'm not saying you can't, Maura." He reached his hand across the table and cupped Maura's. She stared down at their hands, interlinked, across the table. "We can give him a family unit. I thought you wanted that."

"I do," Maura said, dropping her hand by her side. "I came here…f, for your s, support…I thought…_we_ could be a family."

"Me and you?"

"Not together," she said, picking up her mug and cradling it. She needed something to focus on. "To be there…for Toby, together."

Jack averted his gaze. Maura watched him look around the room, carefully avoiding her.

"Look at me," she said, he complied. "I thought, you, we."

"I don't want my son to live across the country from me," Jack said. "I'm sorry that by wanting that I inadvertently offered you something that I wasn't willing to give."

"I've," Maura whispered, standing up. "I've been stupid."

"You're not stupid, Maura."

"No," she shook her head. "But I've _been_ stupid."

She watched Jack for a moment, then walked towards the stairs. She could feel Jack following her as she walked up each step. She marched into the nursery and scooped Toby up into her arms. He continued to sleep as she carried him out into the hallway.

"Let him sleep, Maura," Jack said. Maura shook her head and pushed past him. He followed her back down into the entrance hall. "You can't take him."

"I need to do…what's best," she said, placing her hand on the door and pulling it open. She turned briefly. "I'll ring you when…we get to Boston. We can discuss…seeing him."

Maura made it to the car before Jack followed her outside. She'd just buckled Toby into his car seat and closed the rear door.

"I won't let you take him," Jack said, placing his hands on Maura's shoulders. "I won't let you."

"We can't stay," Maura said, pushing him back. "I thought we c, could…be a family. I forgot that…we already had one."

"Jane?"

"Yes, Jane." Maura opened the driver door. "She loves us."

"_I love_ Toby."

Maura slammed the door shut. "But you w, want…to take him away…from me."

"I want what's best for him."

"Jane brought him up," she said. "Before you, when I…struggled. She was there."

"She's not his mother, she's not his father," Jack said.

"No," Maura said. "But she loves him anyway."

She pulled the car door open again and buckled herself in. She slammed the door closed and started up the engine. Jack stood outside his house in his boxers, his shoulders sunk in defeat. Maura glanced in the mirror at Toby, still sleeping despite all of the commotion.

"We're going home," she whispered.


	25. Chapter 25: Jane

**Author Note: A huge thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read, comment, favourite and follow this story. Whether you make your presence known or not, I am so appreciative of you all. Writing has been a massive challenge for me in recent years and it's been a long time since I felt this passionate about getting something completed. Knowing that people have enjoyed it (at least some of the time ;)) has made me so happy.**

**I promise you that I don't write angst all of the time. I don't always put this much into it, and some of my stories are even happy. (I'm a sucker for flangst - fluff+angst.) But sometimes I really let go and throw it all in. Maybe it doesn't always work out for everyone. Regardless, thank you for making it this far and for taking the time to share your thoughts with me.**

* * *

The headache turned Jane's temple into a bass drum. The music in the club the night before had seared itself on her brain. She poured a glass of water down her throat, ignoring the droplets that fell from the bottom of the glass onto her t-shirt. She dialled Nina's number on her cellphone.

"Never speak to me again," she said, groaning.

Nina laughed. "Did you at least enjoy yourself?"

"I wish I could say no."

"I have to go into work," Nina said. "I'll call you later. Drink lots of fluids."

The line went dead. Jane placed her cellphone on the kitchen counter and poured herself another glass of water. She sunk onto the couch cushions. The incessant beating of her brain was her punishment for drinking so much. She made a mental note never to accept Nina's invitations again, unless there was guaranteed limits to their evening together. She didn't really know Nina. What little time they'd actually spent together had been taken over by drinking, talking about Maura, or work. Jo Friday ran into the room, his mouth opening with each bark. Jane rested a hand against her face.

"Shush, Jo Friday," she said, closing her eyes and rubbing her temple. "No walkies today."

By lunchtime the headache had dissipated enough for her to continue on with her chores. The apartment needed more than a quick once over, which she usually gave it. On her search for items to dispose of, Jane found a half eaten pizza on the floor under her bed, along with an empty beer bottle.

"I shouldn't be allowed to live alone," she said to the empty room as she pushed them into the trash bag.

After showering, Jane felt considerably better. So much so that she slipped on her yoga pants and a fresh t-shirt, and laced up her jogging shoes. She could feel sorry for herself, or she could go out and get some fresh air in the hope that it would help. Somewhere in all of the things her mother said to her, she vaguely recalled her talking about the benefits of exercise when feeling low.

Jane pulled the door to her apartment open. She took a step forward, then stopped.

"Maura."

"Hi, Jane," she said, showing off her brightest smile. Jane closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She looked well. Her skin had a healthy glow and her eyes seemed happier than the last time she saw her. The baby lay against her shoulder.

"Wh, I," Jane's voice trailed off into the silence.

No matter how hard she tried to find the words, she couldn't. Instead, she stepped aside and motioned for Maura to enter the apartment. She took tentative steps over the threshold and hovered by the door. Jane pushed it to. She didn't know what to do with herself, so she clasped her hands together and stared at her feet.

"Did you mean it?" Maura asked, filling the void.

The one thing Jane had avoided for weeks had tracked her down. The night she admitted how she felt to Maura had exposed her. A new sense of vulnerability lingered in the air. Their relationship was fragile. Everything that had gone before that night at the batting cage was tarnished with the new revelation that settled uncomfortably between them. Despite wanting to turn and run in the opposite direction, Jane knew that Maura appearing on her doorstep had some significance. Whether it related to how she felt, she had yet to find out.

"Telling you to leave me alone, or telling you I love you?" she asked, barely recalling their brief conversation the night before.

"That you love me." Maura shifted Toby from one arm to the other. She narrowed her eyes. "Do you?"

Jane's eyebrows involuntarily sunk and tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She could feel her throat constrict, making her voice come out small and shaky. "Of course, I do, Maur."

"And Toby?"

"I love him, too." She wrapped her arms tightly around her shoulders and settled her chin against her wrist. "I've missed him so much."

Maura lowered her gaze, disappointment etched across her face. "Did you miss…me?"

She forged a smile that barely reached the corners of her mouth. The intense feeling of loss that shadowed her since Maura left persisted. If anything, standing opposite Maura only made her feel it greater. She was there, and yet, the distance between them felt as wide as the Sahara Desert.

"Felt like I lost a leg."

They stared into each other's eyes; dark brown on hazel. The moment overwhelmed Jane. She could hide away from her feelings, from Maura's reaction to how she felt, but not with Maura standing in front of her, staring at her like a little lost puppy. She'd abandoned her. She left her alone, embarrassed and confused. But she couldn't blame her for doing so. Before she could say anything, Maura closed the gap. She hesitated briefly, shifting the baby to one side so that she could place her lips against Jane's.

"Wait," Jane said, placing a hand against Maura's shoulder and taking a step back. A couple of tears hovered on the precipice of Maura's eyelids. "Do you want this?"

"I," Maura closed her eyes and lowered her head.

Jane reached out and grasped Maura's left hand, pulling it towards her. She cupped it between her own hands. "Don't promise me something if you can't deliver. I couldn't take it."

"I don't…k, know," Maura said, retrieving her hand and letting it fall down by her side.

"You don't know?"

Jane's heart contracted inside her chest and for a moment she thought she was going to have some sort of heart attack. The pain was insurmountable. Maura turning up on her doorstep didn't mean that she was going to tell her she loved her too. It wouldn't necessarily lead to them starting a new life together. But Jane wasn't prepared for any other resolution to her revelation.

"I love you," Maura said, her chest rising and falling in quick succession. "I k, know that much. The last…s, six months have been c, complicated. I need time."

"I can give you time, Maura." The heavy weight lifted. A small sliver of hope sent coursing through her veins like an electric shock. After everything they'd been through, they were probably in a place of best case scenario. Jane ran a finger along the edge of Maura's cheek, her eyes filled with tears. "I can give you anything you need."

As if on cue, Toby started wriggling about in Maura's arms, squawking louder and louder as Maura shifted him about in her arms. She lifted him up and sniffed the edge of his diaper, then lowered him again.

"I need to change him," she said, glancing around Jane's apartment.

"You can use my room," Jane said, holding her hand out towards her bedroom door.

She followed Maura through the apartment, picking an old towel up from the dirty laundry pile she'd created earlier, and hovered in the doorway whilst Maura changed Toby's diaper. The baby squirmed about on the floor, kicking his legs out so hard that Maura had to stop a couple of times.

"Do you need any help?" Jane asked, stepping forwards.

Maura shook her head. She tugged at the fastener on the fresh diaper but it wouldn't come loose. She tugged again, her face scrunched up as she pulled too hard and it ripped off. Maura threw the diaper on the floor and sank back against her knees. A line of urine travelled into the air, hitting her against the arm. Jane rushed into the room and pulled Maura up by her arms.

"Don't cry," she said, cupping Maura's face before the tears could fall from her eyelids. "You got this. But you just got off a seven hour plane journey with a crying infant, get yourself cleaned up and I'll sort Toby out."

Ten minutes later, a fresh diaper, and a clean set of Jane's clothes, Maura sat on Jane's bed. Jane cradled Toby in her arms and paced around the room until he settled back into a slumber.

"I don't know w, what we're…going to do with him," Maura said. "I should p, probably take him home."

"Wait," Jane said, handing the baby over to Maura. "I watched this show a few weeks ago about babies in Finland."

"They sleep in boxes," Maura said.

Jane rolled her eyes, though her lips curved involuntarily. The last time Maura shared a random factoid felt like a lifetime ago. "Of course you would know," she said, kneeling on the floor and pulling her bottom drawer out. She scooped up the clothes and threw them into a pile on the floor. She pulled a blanket out of another drawer and folded it into the bottom of the empty drawer.

"You want him t…to sleep in a drawer?"

"What's a couple of hours going to hurt?"

Maura handed Toby back to Jane and she settled him down on the blanket. His little arms rested above his head, the sound of his exhales whistled out of his mouth. Jane rested a hand on his stomach. She'd forgotten how much she missed him.

Jane stood up and threw herself onto the bed beside Maura. "What happened in New Mexico?"

"Nothing," Maura said, turning her head away.

"Don't tell me nothing," Jane said, tugging Maura's hand across to her lap. "Why did you come home?"

"Jack didn't want m…me there."

"He sounded so enthusiastic about it when he asked you to go."

Maura nodded. "He just w, wanted to be…closer to Toby."

"You wanted more," Jane said, slipping her arm around Maura's shoulder. "You wanted a family."

"I already have a family," she said.

"I just wish you'd come home sooner."

"I didn't know…what to say." Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's waist and pushed her face against her side. "I didn't want t…to accept that t, things have ch, changed."

"No Maur," Jane said, pressing her lips against the top of her head. "Things are just getting started."

**THE END**

* * *

**Author Note: It probably won't happen until I get back from my trip (so July) but I do still want to write a sequel to this story. I just need to finalise the idea. I can't promise it won't be angsty, but if it happens, it will probably have some happier moments in there, too. As Jane said, things are just getting started. I feel like there is more that can be done here. A very different more...because let's face it...the sequel WILL be full of Rizzles.**


End file.
